Post Hibernation

Excuse for the lack of posts for the last month. I have been very busy and everything was mess because I started uni. It was just that alot happened in a short life span which you know I couldn't handle in the first place. I am grateful that it is almost over.

There is something at uni that makes you feel like you're not doing well. Maybe it's the way the lecturers go on and on and they were rushing things. It was diffcult for me to comprehend how quick they teach. It was like if you miss a week's worth of lectures, you will have to catch on a year's worth of high school. For me, even though I had been there the whole time, I was still not going well. I think my body was there, but the spirit was in hibernation still.

I will try to blog more, I am not going to promise it but I will try.

Tuesday Blues

Today I had a panick attack. It was all about my life, my immediate future and my concern for the wellbeing of my whole family. I am weak in this field because I want everything to go great. This night, everything was collapsing on me. I couldn't believe that I was that weak not to deter such emotive feelings.

THere are so many troubles in my life right now. I had to go to uni, which I felt hard to do. The morning classes in particular are hard to wake up for. This very morning I couldn't get up, but when I did, I couldn't make it in time to Bio. I had to sit on the steps, where the slides on the projection made my life even more difficult. THe lecturer was going way too fast.

Then there was the time spending on looking for stationery, and for other school related stuff, which further made the financial situation more complicated. I had to spend around $200 in total for the text books. It's reall hard to contemplate about such spending. But I had to do it.

The worst of all the problems are my stay in this house. I just felt that my sister deserves something better than this. I don't like the way they are telling us not to cook in the kitchen because they fear we stink up the place, thus ruining their clothes. I understand their point of view, but I don't like it. I do want to cook, so does my sister. We are experimental cooks which require the kitchen.

The good thing is that my sister received a phone call from my d, telling us about my bro Ken came to the place and did't like the sight. He went to tell my family about it, and now he is helping us out of this place, which to my sister, it is a good thing. I know that we won't be living here long, but I didn't expect it to be this quick. But in the end, it is about our wellbeing, so I don't mind much.

Back to Reality and First Day at Uni

Im back! It's still a mystery as to what happened last week. I remember going to Sydney for a week, then all of a sudden, I've returned to reality, here in Auckland. It was a good fun time, but I am back to school.

The trip was really excellent. For the first time in a very long time, I had felt I belonged. I don't know, but for the time spending with the people over there, I made the connections to the people who are in the family.

Places we had been to were;

• Cabramatta
• Parramatta
• Liverpool Shopping Mall
  
• Wollongong
• Opera House
• Chinatown

And the likes. M cried as we went to board our plane. She was going too, but when I saw her expression like she had shown, I really wanted to comfort her. I knew how she felt.

Now I am back to uni. ACtually, it's a false statement being I hadn't been to uni before. Today is first ever uni experience, and it felt good. I felt normal, got lost a few times, looking for classes, and the experience was great in that I joined this Chinese Association. Good.

Opera House

Australia is beautiful. To be more specific, Sydney is awesomely stunning. Today, we headed to the Opera House and it was as beautiful as they mention in the pamphlets. Heaps of photos were taken, and yet we weren't able to make ourselves leave. It was that cool.

We also went to the Sydney Aquarium, then to Paddy's Market, Chinatown, all the while enjoying ourselves in the beautiful blue sky weather.

Oh and the trains are double decker so it was good, compared to the ones we got in Akld.

Sydney

Guess where I am now?

I'm right now in SYDNEY. It's really awesome. For as far as I can see, the city is great. Much much food to choose from. It makes the city that I am from looks like an ugly brother. It is.

Student Loan

SHit. I called the student loan people and they made go see them. What do they want? All i am asking is a loan. NOt that I want an allowance, which I could see why they needed to complicate the procedure since the money they give out is not required to be returned. I don't want to do it, but I needed the loan.

WE'll see what they say. Hopefully, it wouldn't be a sad news aye....

Mt Ruapehu Ski Trip

The condition looked exactly like how pic is showing...

Just got back from the ski trip!! It was a blast! Loved it!

Being back means that tomorrow is another overseas trip for a very long time. I am excited, but nervous at the same time. I haven't seen my bro for a long long time. For almost 12 years, to be exact. Oh god. It's gonna an emotional scene when we finally meet him.

So back to the ski trip. It was a very good trip. We rented two rooms near Mt Ruapehu and damn it was very clean. Since when have you found a more clean place? For me this is exceptional.

The skiing itself was fun. Though the weather was dull, and at times hurtful. Hails were hitting on us as we ski. For me, it was that that made the trip even more enjoyable. But by some standard, the blizzard was a trip spoiler, but not for me, aye. Everyone there seemed to be enjoying it as well. So it was all good.

Today was all about driving. We were supposed to hang in Rotorua for the time being, but for the most part, we were in the car, looking for places to go. We had lunch at the Korean/Japanese restaurant where I got a chicken teriyakoi box set. The whole day was there eating and taking some pics at the museum. Nonetheless, and to the most time, the day was ok. Not up to par with the ski day, but it was good for the reasons that we were laughing and more.

We already planned on doing another trip, maybe going to a worm cave. K said it would probably be two months from now. So am already looking forward to it.

My First Week Of Independence

Monday- I was in Ham. My sister in law and I were looking after her butchery, while my brother was going to Auck to get stuff. They were really good to me, especially when they were genuinely concerned about my wellbeing when I moved out. Ken kept asking me about the new place and told me to get enough meat for the whole week. I did in the end, got a few sirloin steaks, two scotch steaks, a tray of chicken patties, and a tray of kumara croquettes. I took the bus that night.

Tuesday- a frustrating day. The people down stairs weren't at work, so I had the whole place to myself. I had plans to clean the room (which was still a mess), go to the australian consulate, and probably go to uni. None of it was done that day, while nothing was achieved to great success. I was angry at myself for feeling that way. But in the end, I did go help out at my uncle's shop as he was about to close the shop. It was a complete waste of time. The day I mean, not the time I was at my uncle's shop.

That night my sister's friend R came to our room because he wanted to plan for the trip with her. They did everything and it ended up that everyone has to chip in around $300 each, double the amount we initially thought.

Wednesday- we went to see the university because K wanted to pay off out student fees. But the line was too long, so we didn't do it. Then we went to the consulate, but they were closed on Wednesday afternoons. For the rest of the day, we traveled to Meadowlands to get my cousin Kem's id photos taken, and then got our bank addresses changed, and the statements. After dropping my cousin off at his place, my sister and I got to this hardware store and ordered this five shelf storage. It was on special and looked reasonably good. Home we got to after that.

Thursday- It was tiring. In the morning I got to the city late for my cousin. Once arrived, we walked to the consulate. I went inside and there was this machine that you press to a number, to tell you the order in which they will see you. I remember it was 16 for us. That morning it was really quick, the queue I mean. I presented to the lady before the class window of the applications for my sister and I. In the end, the applications weren't completed to the standard that they require so we departed. I did learn that they only need two items, financial evidence of how you can support yourself and also the the drawback, which to show either school or work evidence.

So school was my next destination, being that I had official papers from them. I went to the student help centre asking for some paper, which the front desk lady told me I have to apply for it. OH, and they charge $30 for the application. The worst thing of it is that they require two to four working days to process it. I was really dazed because I really needed it for the afternoon appointment with the consulate.

I phoned my sister for advice, but rather I asked her to come to the uni. I did pay for my official paper and when my sister arrived she did hers too. We walked around and eventually got to the general library where my sister had to book a computer, then she could print some unofficial documents, in hope that the consulate would accept for the time being.

By the time we were done with the printing, it was twelve meaning that the consulate is closed. Shit, so my sister and I headed back to my uncle's shop to help him. Upon arrival, the shop was in a mess, and there weren't many pies in the warmer. It was quite chaotic. We helped out in making some sausage rolls and K did the selling, thus reducing workload on the pair.

We got back to the consulate at almost two. The wait was rediculous as it took us almost two hours until they called us. Anyway, the questioning wasn't that back. She just looked at our papers from bank, uni and then just told us to return tomorrow to collect the passies. AS for my cousin, his wasn't so smooth. He presented the same things to her but because of his status and his only recent stay in this country, there may or may not be a grant. It was a bummer to hear because the costs for the application wasn't cheap and no refund either.

We came back to the shop to finish off our help for the day. Uncle K needed to go shopping so he closed the place early. Uncle invited us, including Kem, to come to his house tonight to have hot pot. We of course said yes. Nowadays, we go anyplace that has free food really. We came up to the room first and then showered. Kem came to check out our room, and he said it looked cramped. True.

The next destination for us was the hardware store to collect the shelf. Then to uncle's place to have dinner. By then the time was 7;30, we eventually decided to go get some winter gear, preparing for the upcoming trip.

After that we dropped my cousin off, and then we got to the room to set up the shelf and tidy up the room.

Friday- nothing much sofar. I am only washing my clothes. Then I would have to leave for appointment with Alas, and then onto the consulate to pick our passies. Tonight would be the beginning of the ski trip.

Moving

We have moved house!!! I never imagined myself doing this until the moment I told the o about our intention. Now we are the occupiers of this room above the laundrymat. How cool is that?

It is not since the people down stairs have set rules because they require the clothes that they wash for their customers to remain as clean and smell-free. It's actually better than the rules that were impulsed by the douchey couple. At least the rules here make sense.

I am not allowed to cook things that could smell the room and other things that could harm her business. I understood her perfectly, because afterall it is a business. I also think that being here with the room to ourselves, and them, the owners, being absent at night makes life more convenient. Besides, my uncle and his wife have a business near our place, so we could get there to have free food.

The moving itself took us three trips. It was meant to be a single day activity but as we are the most unorganised people in the world, it took us two days to do so. Nonetheless, things were done, and we had also cleaned the rooms for them. It was decently cleaned so I don't think they could complain. Much.

Depositing $100 for the Rent

I had a terrible day beginning to the day. I was going through the usual stunts when the car parked near the kerb on the road. My sister had then left for work, whereas my lazy ass was staying put reading the magazines I had borrowed from the library last night. Then I was too tired and went to sleep.

THen it was the morning had gone that I reaslised I just wasted my morning for this mundane and generic routine. I should've done something to be more productive but there is the thing with me going to aus that prevented me to look serious into work. I should've done something nonetheless.

My sister would then come back to get me to have lunch. I felt pathetic that she had to do this. I was more pathetic when I got to the shop and realised that my presence there was just a mere waste of space. I didn't want to feel this way, but that was the only way to feel anything at all. I was that waste of space, because there was no other place for me to occupy for the time that my sister was at work. Now that is pathetic.

I did consume lunch with sis and my uncle and his wife. They were mad at each other for she was doing something not to the standard of his liking. That was the reason I wanted out as soon as I had lunch. Which I did do.

That was the worst part of the day- feeling most useless.

So after work my sister and I went to see the landlord for the room lease that we wanted to move into tomorrow. We paid them $100 deposit and then two weeks of rent bond because that is what they wanted. We would have the money returned to us when we move out from them.

I am feeling weak in the stomach. Upon coming back to this house, we were supposed to tell the douchey couple about our leaving. Apparently I was not in the mood to do so. So we planned on telling them tomorrow once we had moved our stuff. IT's going to look bad, I know. But we have been this way to them anyway, so it doesn't matter if we pulled this once more time.

Awkward Tonight

Tonight was awkward. Although every night nowadays is just one memory from self-destruction. I am of course talking about the douchey couple's non responsive behaviour and their acting up.

It's been a few days now. I just thought that it's their monthly cyclical behaviour, but I am not staying to watch their next move would be. I just hated that they are doing this just cause they think they are superior than us. Nonetheless, I have decided that I would move out this Saturday. My sister is in on this.

I hope that it's a wise decision because we don't have much money. Yet, I feel it's gonna be hella lot better than remaining in this hell hole with a couple of kids who behave like they are in high school. Thinking about it, they don't have many people staying with them for too long, cause they are the worst people you could live with. It is evident by my various posts on them.

Reading French Books

I am starting to read french books. Don't know why but when I saw the French language section iin the library, I just thought to myself why not. So here I am sitting trying to decipher what the first sentence in this booked is saying-

La societe secrete du Prieure de Sion a ete fondee en 1099, apres la premiere croisade.

The book is really challenging but that is the point of reading it in the first place. My sister always says try something very difficutl before venturing out on something not so much difficult. The reason being that it helps you think more about the content, thus improving your skills at a greater rate.

Waiting in The Rain

I know it's not news worthy, nor it is blogworthy. But I just thought it was a nice change to my day. Yesterday I decided to remain in the house because I couldn't bear the thought of getting up. SO I remained in the house doing some copying for my sister, and had done some folding for myself. Then when two o'clock came, I wanted to bus to my sister's place. I thought I would come back with her, accompanying her so she wouldn't feel lonely. The problem was that the o had already put clothes in the washing machine, so I just figured I could delay my bus travel, and wait until the wash was done. I waited and waited, then it was done. I hung them on the lines and then headed out.

It was three then, and there were heaps of children on the bus.

It was around 4.15pm when the bus stopped at the place near K Road. I got off there because it was already 4 o'clock. If I went to the uni or the library for that matter, I would be very late for my sister. There was a dilemma to decide. SHould I have gone to my uncle K's shop via bussing, or walking? I thought I had plenty of time, so I decided to walk in the end.

I walked with sandles on. I didn't wear shoes thinking that the day was warm. But by four thirty, my feet were rediculously frozen. Nonetheless, I kept on walking on.

It was five-ish that I arrived at my uncle k's. I didn't see my sister's car. I thought to myself oh shit. I didn;t want to walk back to the bus and catch it back home. There wasn't any point for me to come here in the first place, then. I just thougth of negative things that popped in my head. I just didn;t want to walk any more.

The weather was getting darker. It was showing signs that it was going to rain. Then there was lightning. I decided instead of walking back to the bus in downtown, I would wait for the bus and catch it there. I went to wait under the bus shelter.

All of a sudden the rain started pouring down so dramatically. A lady came to the shelter. Then another lady stopped at the shelter. One more lady came running. She was soaking and her iphone was wet. The first and third ladies left when the rain slowed its pace. The second lady was with a bike. Apparently she was waiting for the bus as well, as she was heading to downtown. She would ask me for the time when the bus came. I didn't know, which I said to her.

Out of nowhere, my sister's car was uturning from what I saw. I thought for a moment that it wouldn't be her because she would have been home by then. The more I thought the more I didn't believe my eyes. The car was then stopping at the bus shelter, and now I realised my eyes weren't fooling me.

I got in and my sister asked me to ask the lady who was still waiting for the bus whether she wanted a ride. I told her that she got a bike with her, meaning we wouldn't be able to transport her with the bike, as the car couldn't fit it. The lady, instead, came to us and asked for a ride. Of course we gave her the ride, all the way to Queen St. The bike was left there, she said it was an old vehicle, so it didn;t matter about it getting stolen.

During the ride, we did discover some things about each other. Apparently the lady was studying at uni, majoring in Architecture. She was going overseas once she gets her degree. I told her about my studies, which weren't going according to what I had envisioned. She said I was going to do well, you know the nice thing that people would say to others. I wasn't convinced that she meant it.

We dropped her off at nearby Queen St. She thanked us and ran for shade. We then drove off.

I asked my sister about why was she coming back. Did she get home and then came back after not seeing me there? She said no. She said she waited for me at her car until five to five and then she decided to leave. She drove all the way to almost reach the motorway, and then just figured that she would come back for the final check. She would look at the walkpaths, in hope that I was walking, as she would expect me to do. She was looking at the bus stops with shelters. She was expecting that I would wait under them cause of the pouring rain. I couldn't believe this. My sister knew me so so well. It was like she could read my mind.

That is the story of how my sister had the same mind as me for the time that I couldn't bear to think about my own travelling in the night. I love her for her ways of being able to see what I see. It is the a good feeling to know that there is someone out there knowing me this well. Knowing this well to actually rescue me.

Watched Two Good Films

I watched two movies one after the other last night. Both were great. I loved them, enjoyed every minute of either of films. They are great in their own ways, one was inspirational in that I wanted to follow suit in the direction that I want to be a billionaire. The other was just plain fun, and in some way sparked my own nostalgic feeling.

So it is pretty obvious what the film is then when I said that I wanted to become a billionaire like the protagonist in that film. Yes, it is the Social Network. I rememeber wanting to watch the film since its initial theatrical release, but I didn't someone to accompany me. I kept on delaying until last night, I said I had it. I wanted to watch it and there wouldn't be any thing stopping me.

Then there was another film i borrowed. It was EASy A. I don't know why I wanted to watch it. The cover was intriguing so that was that. And it didn't disappoint.

As for today, my sister and I went to check out this room near my uncle K's shop. The place was interesting to say the least because as I was viewing the room, there was an excitment within that said I wanted to move in immediately. I got this sensation that the place brought back memories of the time that my mum, sister and I were homestaying with this Cambodian family. It was an exciting time for me. So I am going to enjoy staying this place. The best thing about it is that i will be as far away from this place as my money could afford. It's gonna be good.

Two Day with Bro and His Wife

I got sick. I was going to my brother's butchery last Thursday. Upon my return to Auckland, I was feeling cold and drowsy. But I am surviving.

My brother called on my sis' phone telling her that he requested my attendance immediately. The girl who works there didn't turn up. To be honest, I didn't feel like going. I was already in this awkward state with them both, and their asking me to be there makes me feel really unease. But of course, I had to go.

The children were also sick . That day I thought I was going to look after them. Being asked to go to Hamilton ruined that plan. I packed my stuff, two bags and all. Then Kim and I left as she would normally, to pick Kem up, to drop him off at his school, and finally going to bus station. We however went to the wrong place to begin with and had to rush to the intercity terminal to make the 0930 bus. To make it to the bus, I got out of the bus when we stopped for the traffic light, and I took my backpack with me. I was planning to ask the bus driver to stop for me so I could get my other bag,

Upon reaching there, I asked the bus driver could I get on the bus? He gave me permission but I had to get my ticket inside the terminal. I did what was told, and then came to the bus to tell him that I needed only a few minutes. He said he would leave on time, so no. Shit, I was panicking. I saw my sister's car stopped at the other side of the road. I wanted to go there so bad, but I couldn't because then I would miss the bus. I couldn't wait for the next few hours, it would look bad with my brother asking to help him out and all. I had no choice but to go on the bus.

My sis would call me in 10 minutes, asking where I was. I informed her of the event that took place on the terminal, so she resumed her day as normal. As for me, I sat on the bus for the next two hours, half sleeping and half awake.

Once arrived, I immiediately walked to the nearby warehouse to purchase myself a vodafone topup as my phone was penniless. I called my brother that I arrived and he told me where to go to wait for him. I then called my sister, whom I had bestmated with, that I got there safely. The rest of the day was me at work, freezing my ass off. Somehow my brother's butchery is really really cold.

That night my bro and his wife took me to this Japanese restaurant. My head and body by then was all frozed up that I couldn't enjoy any of it. I tried to contain myself, not making the sickness to overwhelm the night. We ate, my brother and his wife were so nice and friendly. I felt awkward with them because of the past I shared with them. I wanted to apologise so so bad, but somehow my mouth couldn't produce words to resemble my thought. It was terrible. But the food was devine.

We came back home and I decided to head to bed immediately. I thought to myself that maybe I sleep early I could shake the sickness out.

For the night, I kept waking up. One at 0020, 0400, 0600. The times I woke and could return to sleep. It was terrible. In the morning I wished I could be at the apartment because by then my body was pounding with pain. Yet I knew I was required to go, and I did go.

My bro informed me about what to do at the shop if the girl returned to work. I would just stay outside and do the selling, while helping him do his accounting. I agreed.

It turned out, she did come. I did what was told, and stayed close to the front. The day was quiet. So was yesterday. There was a fieldday across town, so we figured that was the culprit. I couldn't do the accounting for my bro as the computer could recognise the software. I, instead, did it in the evening.

The shop was freeeeeeeeeeeezing. I couldn't stop shaking. My whole body was all paralysed by this intnesity of the coldness.

That is how I got sick. When I returned on Saturday, my body just couldn't handle the freezing experience I gained working for my bro.

Looking For Apartment

I apologise for the lack of quality posts for a long time. My life has been going through a whirlwind. It has been tough for me in the last few weeks. To think that after getting the paper I should be able to live a life that I want. By things have gone all wrong, making me feel less and less like I should be alive, which ironically was the same sentiment that I felt in the depression state.

Anyway, I am now looking for an apartment, or any place really. The people that I live with are kicking me and my sister out. REally.

So my sister is looking for any apartment, regardless of size, as long as it fits both of us in. So the apartment has to be close to uni and to any potential work that I am going to take up. Anyway, speaking of work, I am desperately looking for any paid work. I signed up for McDonalds, for cinemas and Burger King works. I hate this feeling, it's like growing up. I am not ready yet. Not for a very long time.

today is all about the guilt. it is the only thing that i could think. even sleep, my head was dreaming about the shop...

...

I am not too sure of what would happen next. I am not too sure whether my current actions would have dire consequences. But for one moment this morning, it felt right and that is all it matters now.

Rrrr

I have been having bad days after the other.

Can't memorise stuff that had gone passed.

Don't Want to Return

This week has been terrible. I am sitting in front of my computer in my room, in this house, feeling defeated.

Not going into details about how bad the week had been, but the worst that could come out of this all is the fact that I will have to return to the place that I dread of going to. It is the place that started the whole bad week to begin with. I just don't want to return, don't want to return....

Tuesdays and Sadness

I am reading this book called Tuesdays with Morrie. It is something that I saw on tv and thought it was interesting. I didn't go read it straight away. There was this panic attack that happened late November last year, and then until now I decided to give it a read. The panic was the same sentiment to the theme of the book. That is the reason I want to read it.

As I was reading the book, my heart went back to horror it was in November. I went to shower hopeing that it would erase abit, only it had worsened.

Earlier in the day, there was an argument between the pair whom I stayed with. The dudette came back to the apartment, and my mind ran wild for the whole day. THoughts like why am I here, there attitudes are childish being that they are running a legitimate business, only to throw away these for no significant reason. I fear the worst for them.

There was a selfish thought amongst the others. I wanted to quit then and there. Actually on Monday night that thought had entered my head. I walked to the bus station as they were in the argumentative state. I wanted to get on the bus, as it stopping at the station for temporarily rest stop. I wanted to get on it, just to be away from them, and ultimately from the life that I never wanted in the first place. What happened next was my stupidity running more wilder. I phoned my sister for advice.

In the end, we decided that the wisest thing is to tell them that I want out from two weeks from now. It is the mature thing to do, plus it would mean that my relationship with them is going to remain somewhat neutral. At least that's waht I thought.

When I mentioned about my quitting to the dude yesterday night on our way back from the shop, I said that I wanted to do travelling. It is not a lie, nor truthful either. It's just that i havent fully commited to my plan, or to any plan for that matter. The dude was somewhat casual about it. He said that he would find somebody to replace me, then I would leave., be it one week, one month from now.

THen I told him about his hard work. I was half way through it until he told me to remain silent. I thought he was thnking that I was reasoning with him about my quitting. I didn't correct him though.

So when I got to the apartment tonight, the dudette wasn't there. The room was dark, the dude went to shower as he would normally do. I was in my room, awaiting for my turn, plus reading the book. By then I had read to the part that mentioned inevitability of one thing that dreads me badly, to the point that I coulldn't function for many many days. It saddened me.

The night improved when I came out to have dinner. I cooked three eggs for myself only, didn't speak with the dude. I watched tv as I was eating. He then went inside to sleep.

For one hour later, the dudette came back. I wasn't looking at her, she wasn't at me, I just continued with watching tv. A moment of awkwardness, a lack of knowledge of each others' existence left weakened. I thought I was better than that. But evidently, not so much.

So what is the event that I am telling got to do with the book?

The book is ultimately about life, love and other touchy feely stuffs. The couple on the other hand is doing their best portraying a life that is dying slowly like the professor in the book, with ASL. Only thing they don't know it, because they are obliviously to living to expectations of others.

I feel sad to witness it live and alive in front of my eyes and not doing anything to stop it.

Consequences

I saw Bridge last week. The week before we didn't meet because I thought I wasn't going to be able to make due to Ken asking me to stay for the builders. Then the builder called to say that he wasn't coming till Saturday I could get out of the shop for two days. In this event, I decided not to go see her anyway.

Last week's session was about my hatred toward repetitive days. I talked about working at the butchery, something that I hate. She said that I was sensitive, and she suggested that I should develop a schedule to include fun in the plan. She said that sometimes people make their days less fun, which is something that they amend when they schedule probably. She went on to tell me that I am sensitive because I make emotional attachment to whatever I do, which is making things more complicated.

I said that I wanted to be somebody who is not that way, because then I could get to more places. The consequences that I think that could be the problem later on if I had my decisions, I think too much of them. I care about them, put them forth, than myself.

Bowling Night

Last night was fun. We went to bowling for the very first time. My sister had this intention to go for a very long time, and last night was our first time ever being there. She invited my three cousins UL, UY and Kem. She also invited her friend SL and her fake boyfriend Ralf. The night was full of fun.

We had dinner first at the nearby Vietnamese restaurant where the service was terrible. Nonetheless we did have a good dinner. Kem went to pay for all of us without us realising it. We of course in return paid for the bowling which we later went to.

The charge for the bowling games were $19.50 per person. There were two games. We had a bet that who ever would win gets two dollars per game. It was a fun experience, and we definitely would want to return for this reason. In the end, UY won both games. She was consistent in her games.

The night then went on and we got to the arcade to play shoot hoops. Good fun. Again the girl won many games that we played with her. I think she had been there many times before. Then it was probably she got skills. LOl.

Night came to the end at around 11.30pm. It was good fun. K is now planning for another activity that we could all do again in two weeks.

Bad Week

The week has been bad.

• The shop is making less money. NOt sure why people aren't coming this week. Many speculations include the after the school holiday effect, the coming mother's day, so people either save or have no money to spend on luxuries like meats.
  
• The freezers in the back and out at the front of the shop broke down. It sucked cause I got to help get the frozen meats and other stuffs and transfer them to the freezers that weren't broken.
  
• The heat sealer broke.
  
• The vacuum machine stopped working.
  
• I went to sleep after ten every night this week due to me going to the apartment later. Last Saturday was particularly late as the builder was making frames for the wall. I got home at around 12.30am. Was angry cause there wasn't any reason for me to be there.

On the bright side though, I will be going back to auckland tomorrow. Thank goodness!!!

No Domain Name Yet

Coming up with a domain name that hadn't been taken by someone else is hard. Seriously, I have tried numerous times to do this, and nothing. My first try for the tshirt company was the name that my sis suggested. You guessed it, it was no go.

It's reidiculous.

Casino

Last night was really fun. Most fun I have had in a while. It was the night that we went out to the casino. My first, my sister's first, for my two cousins, it was their second, as well as my sister's friend SL. It was my sister's idea to invite them to go out and it was a success in my opinion.

At seven in the evening, we got out of the house, leaving Jord and Jude having dinner with their family. On my way out, I learned that the O had cooked little rice for the whole so Jude was trying to scoop alot for her dad, leaving little for the rest. I thought she was being funny, and it was adorable of her doing this scooping thing. We headed for my cousins' house. From this day forth, my cousins' names will be abbreviated to UL and Kem.

We got to their houses, and we eventually left the house within the next few minutes. Once out, we drove to the city to pick another person, SL. K was the driver. She talked the most, asking so many questions, including one that was about going to skiing in the coming winter months. We all agreed to go when we got free time. We reached there in about twenty minutes, called SL to come out and then finally drove to the restaurant where all of us were hungry.

The restaurant was Italian, and K and I had been on many occasions. We ordered tow pizzas, of which both were halved by different toppings. For the main, we got either pastas or lasagnas. It was good, for me, but I thought the others weren't so keen.

The restaurant was chosen because my sister and I had been there and loved their food. For more, it was close to the Sky Tower, where we would eventually settle after the meal.

We got inside the casino. My first impression was that it looked chaotic with many people just comcentrating on the tables they were at. It was not my ideal place to be. But we got the initial nerve calmed down when my sister tried to exchange the cash she got into chips. We went to the cashier, and were given small change instead of the chips. K talked to this dealer and got the information that you can just change the money at any table.

In the midst of the chaos, we managed to get our heads to playing the games. I played the bacarrat, and lost twenty, whereas my sis lost thirty. SL lost $27, seven dollars were spent on the slot machine. UL lost a hundred, the most lost out of all of us. Kem on the other hand, had won $100, so he canceled out UL's losings.

WE saw UL's parents there playing blackjack with this uncle. It was funny seeing them there. They looked like little kids being there. TO me anyway.

We walked about after the casino. We headed to this night club, but no we didn't go in. Kem didn't have his ID.

WE went to have ice cream. Then headed home. By then, the time was 12.20!!!

Excuse the abrupt ending of the post. I have to go have dinner!! hehe

Thievery

Happy Easter Holiday! For me it's particularly nice to have the long break. The butchery has been talking a big toll on me both physically and mentally. For the physical part, it is mainly about the lack of sleep that is taking away my enjoyment working at the shop. Mentally though, it's actually worse off. For the most parts, it's due to that my mind is not used to being this busy. I do the thinking and fantasing alot, especially about my sad mundane life. It's not doing well.

I have another disturbing thing that occurred at the shop. It is two days ago, on the Thursday, the time was almost when we were going to close. This chick came into the shop, wearing hoodies and was barefoot. She was walking around the shop, one hand carrying the basket while looking to shop. Dani, the girl who i work with, talked to her casually. They were chatting casually, which made me thought that the girl was a regular. I don't know, that was the impression that I got from the way they spoke.

The chick then told Dani that there was a tear in a bag. Dani put it aside on the bench. She then proceed to sell to other people. I was there, didn't think twice about what the bag was telling me. She was in fact trying to distract Dani, because she was going to steal. She thought by having Dani take the bag to the back, and have me not knowing what to do, she could get out of the shop unnoticed, or at least could get away with it.

Dani then told me that she would leave to fix the torn stuff. I said ok. She left and I then walked to the chicken area, then the next thing I heard the bell went ding. I didn't turn to see what was happening, only thought that the bell was just signalling someone was entering the shop. Dani came out screaming to me where was the chick. I replied don't know, that was when I figured the chick had gotten out with the basket containing at least goods over a hundred dollars. Shit, I was really angry and shaking at the same time. It was under my watch and yet I should have known the girl was going to do this. The signs were there; the hood, the barefoot, and her distractions, plus she was hanging around door area. I should've known!!

Then what's worse was my brother's constant shouting. Or lecturing in a high tonal sound. It was really aggravating when you already knew there wasn't anything you could do or say to change the outcome. I was especially angry at myself. I hated that I could have prevented the thievery if I looked up when the bell sounded and could have chased after her. But nope, my head was that stupid.

So yep, that was my first time that something like this occurred to me. I mean I have seen people stole from my before, but those were under a different circumstance. Those were in a bakery where you don't really see the true impact. In this instance, I saw it on the videotape, and it was evident she took the goods under my watch, under my supposedly supervision of the shop. The good part coming out of this, according to my sis, is that now I learned to carefully watch people, anybody.

Moving to a different topic. Last night we visited Auckland. The three of us traveled there around 10 in the morning, had yum char, and partied at my uncle v's place. It was hell fun over there, so i was saddened to return to this place. Anyway, we'd be going back up tomorrow for my aunt Soph's housewarming party.

Updating For the Last Two Weeks

This week has been bad so far. The worst thing for me was yesterday's tragic accident involving my oversized feet and my glasses. Yes all the newspapers in the world have reported of its end, my glasses. i stepped on my glasses, and it is all snapped in half...55555

Ok stop being so dramatic. All I have to do is go through the week without those goggles. I hate to admit it but it's gonna be hard since I don't see well, and working here requires good vision for when I need to pack stuff. I will get through it...

My session with was mixed. I don't know, like, at the end of the session, Brige said that she had figured out my problem. My root problem. What she meant was that she had been trying to see the core problem because when I talk about my family's issues, she just doesn't what is causing these problems. Now she discovers that my root issue is regarding the lack of belonging to a group, that is the sad story of my life. She continued that she wanted to know where I feel most belonged to, which I said that I don't. Neither the groups she presented was my sense of belonging felt most connected to. The sad part was that I actually felt that both groups have rejected one way or another. So she now knows why I have been feeling the way I am feeling...or so her belief.

I don't know. I feel like that was part of my problem. Not now. I was feeling quite rejected when I was younger, by both cultures that I grew up with. At one stage all i could think about was changing my face to fit in with them, which now I don't feel anymore. So I think the problem in pertaining to my lacking sense of belonging is one that was the past. Now I have problems dealing with the future. That is what I think is the core issue.

I will tell her that when I see her again in two weeks' time.

I want to get my sister a job in the lab. She has been searching for a job for sometime now. Actually since the time I moved here. There was an occasion that she was invited back to see the people. The job was some sort of marketing related work. She went there on a Tuesday two weeks ago, and she was called back the next day for a trial. So she did return the following day to only discover that she was going doors to doors to convert people to Contact, the energy company. It was exhausting she said, and it was commissioned pay. In the end she didn't get it because it was her inclusiveness that let her down.

Time to Work On Work

the time is 10.04pm. Still waiting. I have done some research for the remote control device. It is interesting to note that the earlier remote controls had only a few buttons, and they were without the numbers.

Anyway, I want to develop a remote control that beeps when you want to look for it. Better yet, I want to create a mechanism for the remote to sound when it hears the word find remote. I think it would be cool. Well, it is only cool if like myself am clumsy. To make money off something you also need is pretty awesome.

Another thing that I wanted to do is have my own t-shirt company. Like I had mentioned in earlier regarding my own business, I want it to be a part time job, meaning that i would only tend to it after hours of my real job/schooling time. Also, I only want it to be an online business because for the time being I don't have the money to rent out a physical space. I don't think i could do that when there are so many things i haven't acquired in order to have the business running. So it would be interesting to see where I am going to go with this venture.

For some time I have been delaying the opening up my own online site for the t-shirt business. This is due to my indecisiveness over the name of it. I know, this sounds really bad being that it is the first and probably the most crucial task, and I am doing the best imitation of a failing business. So all I know is that I want the name to have personal meaning and must include my sister's personality in it. She must be included in the thought process, and must agree. I want her to be part of some my mini empire and she be the queen.

One more thing that i want to do is to get into the study of gerontology. Part of the reason going into this is my own fair. I know it is natural for all of us, as it naturally occurs in the quiet sense, but I don't accept that it should be the ultimate course everyone must take. It's crazy but crazy is what makes the world spin.

Charitable Case

Bridge;

• Talked to her last Friday. We discussed perceptions, mainly about my aunt and uncle. They offered me money. I said no because I didn't want to be a charitable case to them. Bridge pointed out that they could use the money as something to show affection and love. I felt foolish for thinking otherwise, that is until I returned home and realised it was not the case. Don't know the truth about it.
  

Going Home is Not Meant To Be

I am now stuck in the butchery for at least another three hours. Why? I didn't even know about it when at ten minutes to six this evening a couple of dudes came to the shop. Apparently they were hired to do some fixings within the shop. Things like lighting, and some shelves. So I am stuck here until these people are done, which may seem like forever now.

My sister called around five o'clock informing of the late bus that i was going to catch to Auckland tonight. Because I can't stay there on Saturday, I had planned that I would migrate tonight, so then I wouldn't have to do it the next morning taking time off the amount I could spend with the kids and my sister. She said that the bus was leaving at 6.15pm, meaning I wouldn't be able to make it if I remained here until the shop closed. So K suggested that she would come here via her car. I was quite hesitant, and I wanted to catch the bus myself, disallowing her to drive a long distance. In the end I hesitantly agreed that she was the one who would drive here.

So our plan was set, then only came to a destruction with the sight of the two builders. Now my sister is angry, so am I. I wanted to leave HAMY so bad. I just want to be with the kids tonight. Instead I have to resort to staying here until those people finish, which is never a good thing.

K is now at home, showered and ate dinner. She texted me about it.

Waiting for The Cleaner, Passed For Learners

I have not blogged for awhile now. This is due to me working in a faraway land. I don't absolute hate it, but I do find hatred in the work that I am doing. Ok I am not making any sense. I'm just too tire to care.

For the last few weeks, I witnessed so many anger in just a short amount of time. Since I came here three weeks ago, there had been at least one or near one confrontation between the couple that I am working for. They just don't get that their actions are just a shameful thing for anybody to see, yet they do this on the wide open space. Well, actually it's mainly the car and the apartment, where I would probably be nearby.

Last Friday I went back to Auckland an overnight stay. The main reason was to see my little kids, my sister, and then there is Bridge. I canceled her three times before, so when I made the Friday appointment, I must keep this one. Coincidentally, I also had another appointment with Andy, who by the way, was more forthcoming with me this time. He said he had been to a seminar, and he wanted to have a new approach to our meetings. We would now have goals to achieve on each appointment.

As for Bridge, we talked about stuff particular on the my concerns. Aging. That's all I am going to cover on that topic.

I was elated to see the kids again after a long absence. They are as cute and as annoying as ever. I still love them. So MUCH. Jord gave me a rocket ship made from containers. It was just great.

Oh I almost forgot. I got my learners last Friday. As soon as I got off the bus, I immediately went to the bank to ask for my bank statement. I needed it for the application. I headed to AA, and then sat the test. It was quite simple. There were a few heck ups with the questions but ultimately I passed with only two questions being incorrect. So now my sister said she would let me drive her car, only she is present as well. DOH.

So right now I am sitting here waiting for ,my brother to return. He went to drop his wife off at the apartment so she could cook while I am waiting for this cleaner to do his job. I don't know why we have to be here when the cleaning is being done, I mean the guy seems trustworthy. My brother is cynical, yeah.

Japan

To the people involved in the Japanese earthquake and tsunami, I hope all of you the best. My condolences are with you all. It's devastating but I am sure you will overcome the obstacle in the end.

I remember the first time I encountered japanese culture, it was actually through tv shows when i was a kid. I watched a lot of cartoons when my parents were away to work. They would leave me and my sister at home with the babysitters, and we would watch tv. We watched much cartoons, in particular the ones from Japan. My sister loved doraemon, and so was I. I also loved to watch this anime, it used to come on on Saturday afternoons. We sat there enjoying it.

As I grew older, the Japanese cuisine became part of life. My mum loved making sushi. She took me and my sister to this Korean supermarket near our house and we would ask the lady at the counter about what ingredients to put in the sushi. She would tell us all the details. My mum would emulate what she said. It created good memories from that on.

Now I am studying Japanese. I wanted to visit Japan someday, so my heart will go out to those affected by this. I hope everyone there the best. Only a matter time they will overcome the tragedy.

Enlightenment

I have canceled my appointment with Brige for this coming Monday session. I will be starting at the job with my brother during this time, so that is the reason I am canceling the appointment. In the beginning my sister insisted that I should be returning to Auckland so I could see Brige, but that is not the wise decision.

About my previous session with her, we were talking about change. I was telling her that I hate change. That is the reason why I don't want things to move forward, just have them in stationary as long as possible. We then talked about if I had returned to Cambo, because there is a chance that I haven't had closure to the dramatic change that was the move to this country.

The conversation further conclude on the point of change, how it is necessary for life to continue in the manor that it builds on who you are. I told her that I wanted to become a gerontologist in hope to develop anti-aging medicinal pill. Brige on the other hand had believed that by having such thing, lives would be stopped, meaning that you won't gain new life experiences as a result. I rebutted with her saying that the pill would allow people to remain where they are and still have experiences. The undirected result from the pill would be stopping death itself. She doesn't agree, so that we left it at that.

Anyway, the whole time we talked about the change that every person on the face of the planet faces, was actually quite enlightening. I felt shadowed by my own dark thoughts, and in a way, it made me feel that I don't like the way life is dictating you. In the way that God had made people born in this world of uncertainty, the way that we are born to develop these relationships with our loved ones and have that be stripped away from us, is cruel. I don't understand or comprehend the thinking of such a life design. So by speaking to Brige on these topics, she had opened my mind that I am not alone in asking these questions. There have been many many philosophers who have dealt with the same mentality, in reasoning why are we here. They all came to the conclusion in varying degree of their own enlightenment, so I will find my own niche eventually.

Hope she is right, because right now I am as confused as ever.

Blogging From The New Apartment

This morning was a momentous occasion. It was finally the day that I moved out of the house. Well, technically, I haven't moved out because I will back and forth as I go there to see my sister, who still resides there. My brother was going to bring me here yesterday, but yesterday we were busy and were kinda late to drive an hour to this apartment. So we delayed the trip to this morning.

I just unpacked my stuff, and it looks alright. Not much to unpack by the way, the things I did pack were because of my sister. She insisted that I should have my own washings so I bought the body and hair wash, perfume, etc. The funny thing is that I am not staying here permanently, only remaining here to help out my brother and his wife. I would be returning to AKLD when the school begin, which is in July.

My sister is currently looking for work. She called me this morning to inform me that she had found one vacancy at the winery. The work involves shelving, packing, etc. I don't want her to work in such place as I see it being boring, and not suitable to her liking. The pay my sister said, is reasonable. So I don't know aye.

Then she called again saying that she had applied for this work in Ponson. It is copying job for Fuji. So yea.

Right now I am feeling a bit sad. Actually a lot sad. I miss my sister already. When she called for the second time, I hadn't seen her in about 3-4 hours. I was happy to hear from her again. Am i that sensitive?

She said she would be coming when she gets accepted for a job. She would be visiting, maybe with the children for one weekend. So I think it would be interesting to see her again.

This Week's Big Events

A lot of things happened this week. And, it's only Thursday. I have been really busy lately, so I won't go into details of the events that took place. I will write more on those events when I get the chance to.

1. I went to see Brige on Monday night at 6. The topic was change and life and death. My hate for change.
2. Earlier in the week, we went to the car dealer to check out the car. For two days straight we checked the car but it wasn't done. Tuesday was a waste of time being that the car dealer promised it would done by 11am but upon our arrival, the car was still in the cleaning process. We went to have lunch at the Try it Out restaurant, and when we got back, we waited some more for the car. My brother entered their garage to check and tell them what to do, and still they weren't finished. Around one hour later he returned to the car, where we waited endlessly in there. L was also present, so you could feel the tension as she was fuming to get out of there as soon as possible.
   Anyway, the paint work wasn't done in the proper manner, so Ken suggested to them that he would come back on Friday. So we left there disappointed.
3. Ken and his wife left for their new apartment on Tuesday afternoon straight after the long wait inside the car at the dealership. K wanted to go to the library to pick up some books, so she asked my brother to drop us off at Manu City Centre. Once there, we came out of the car and walked to the library.
   I was going to go to the National Bank to get my bank account set up properly. The bank was closed. We bused home.
4. On Wednesday was an adventure. We properly spent majority of the day sitting in public transport buses and train. The charges for these rides were so much that it could serve me and my sister one big meal at a restaurant.
   We planned to go to Manuwa, to see a JP. So we took the bus to Manukau, then transfer to Manuwa.
   The plan came to fruition. The problem was the money issue. I couldn't understand why the high charge for using public transport. The govt wants people to use as much as public transport, so why the hell they charge us so much for using something deemed good for the environment over the use of private cars.
   Anyway, when we reached Manuwa, the JP there was absent. Apparently they close on Wednesdays. We couldn't get the copies certified, so I kinda pushed my sister to go to the city via the train. I wanted to enrolled to AU as fast as possible before I went to Hamy. My sister agreed and we got on the train, which was just arriving. The fare for this ride was six dollars per person, which was again so dear.
   Arrived at Brito station, we walked to find the clock tower. For ten minutes or so, we searched until we got to the destination. We had the people copied our documents and officially we enrolled for the school.
   We wondered around the uni ground for some time to find JP there, so I could certify the copied papers. I still wanted some certified copies so I could enroll at the Otag U. For this reason we walked in search of the JP in the IT place. The JP was absent.
   Bused home directly from the uni ground, the charge was $6.80 each person. We sat on the bus for the next hour and fifteen minutes.
5. Today we waited for my brother and his wife who were coming from Hamy. They came for our sake, because the dealer had called him to check on the car. It was finally completed the cleanup and some touch up. He arrived at around 2.30pm. For some time at the dealership, we even had an around town test drive, the car was finally settled. It was finally completed to the satisfaction of my brother. K was ok with it, and as for me, not really. They promised NEW tires, NEW rims, the complete package. The promise wasn't up to the standard. I am happy for this reason. But despite my concern the breach of the promises, my brother was satisfied which spoke for the rest of us. We gave them the money, they changed the ownership's name of the car in exchange, thus the car is officially K's.
   My sister is very happy with it. Her first car.

I will write more on these topics. I am packing for tomorrow's move to Hamy. I will blog from there the next time I write.

Going to Counselling

Going to counselling tonight. WE haven't got a car last week nor today, so we are relying on asking aunt for the car to drive to the place. I will be asking, something I don't want to do.

First Time On the Bus

Yesterday was the first time that Jude went on the public bus. I thought the kids never went on the bus, but apparently Jord had been on it before with my sister. The reason for going on the bus was that we were heading to the library and we didn't have a car. It was good time.

My brother called early in the morning because he wanted me to go with him to Hamilton. He was going to ask his other brother in law to help him move the stuff, in the fish van, but he was busy with going to seek for a car for his sister, so I am the opportunity cost. When he called, I was still snoozing, so I couldn't pick the phone up. My sister did and she came to inform while I was in a daze that he needed to go with him. I said yeah, yeah, but I would get up at 1030am. When I woke up, sis changed her mind and said she'd be the one to leave with my bro, while I remained at the house to look after the kids.

I didn't agree with it, but despite my protest, my sister still went out anyway. I had breakfast and played beyblade stuff with the kids, in particular who was in the mood to beat me. I was winning because I used a strong beyblade. Eventually I decided that I would take the kids to the library via bus and I thought it would be cool for them to ride on the bus for the very first time. I cooked lunch in anticipation to have them prepared to go out.

We had rice with the duck meat leftover from last night. We ate it taking us thirty minutes. Eventually I took them out for the 1255pm bus. The children were excited. i asked if they had been on the bus before, and the girl said that she has but only on the school bus. The boy, however, said that he had been on it with my sister. I thought he was kidding but my sister confirmed this later. The bus was prompt.

ON the bus the kids both wanted to be seated next to the window, so I had them sat at the place with four seats are facing each other. There they moved around. I even brought out my Ipod to take pictures of their excitement being on the bus. It was good experience to share with them.

The kids in unison pressed the stop button, and we got off at the shopping centre. We walked to the library. The boy thought he was going to the Manukau library, then he decided he didn't like the place. I said every library is somewhat similar. They are not that different. We stayed there and borrow a book each. I used my new library card for which I am happy to do.

Walked around the mall, we went to this cheap store, the warehouse, Farmers, in search for Mighty Beans. The kids are now collecting them, so I wanted to get something they would like. All stores we went to all sold out the product, something I found to be strange. I couldn't help but thought that probably they just didn't stock them anymore.

We had McDonald's snacks, and came back home on the bus. We got home, and my sister returned also from the moving only forty minutes or so.

So the day was cool. The children were so excited about getting on the bus, especially Jude's first time riding on it. The joy on their faces couldn't be more real and so delightful. It was just a good day.

Moving To the New Apartment

Today is the moving day. My brother and his wife are officially moving to hamilton today. We helped them shift when we also tagged along. It was a productive in that we did some cleaning in the new apartment.

The apartment is located at CBD, right over the main shops. There are two bedrooms, with a sizable kitchen and quite large living area. It was good.

We arrived at the place where there was a gate blocking the entrance to the garage of the apartment. L and ken were figuring out how to get in. Then, they called the real estate people, to which they learned that they have to dial to the security number and the gate would automatically open. They did just that. Next we were trying to suss out about the keys and stuff to get to the third floor, thus the apartment itself. Eventually the sussing out was done and we carried on with moving in the things.

We cleaned for one or two hours. The cleaning was done predominantly in the kitchen because that was the area that wasn't properly cleaned by the people. We did it to ensure the cleanliness in the place where we cook. It did quite awhile but in the end you could feel secure.

We had to go shopping for some things for the new apartment that include dish drainer. We did the shopping for quite some time. Actually it had taken us longer than expected. The shopping mall that we went to looked similar to any one of the malls we have in Auckland. I don't mean to snarl it, but it looked similar and there wasn't much to do over there. It was quite boring and generic shopping mall.

The only thing I thought was good was the ceiling. It was a high skyline ceiling which made the place very spacious. It made you feel engulfed by the size of it, but at the same time it looked different. So that is a plus.

We returned to the apartment to drop off the goods. We then returned home to have KFC with L's brother and sister. Her parents were at a wedding. The dinner was awkward. There was this dead silence which could actually murder you. Ok, it wasn't that bad, but it was close to.

Eventually we returned to the house. During the ride home, my brother asked for our final choice on whether to remain in the house or to go live with him. My choice is undecided, being that the children is my primary reason to stay. But I do realise that I want to have my freedom. So it was not a good thing either way, whether to stay or go. In the end, I think I would have to go, despite my concern for the children. My brother shared his view on this, and he said that he would like me to help him out at the butchery. I have to concern about myself, not the kids. They have their parents for that. I know that, but I don't believe the parents have the best of interest for their very own little kiddies. So that is also a concern for me.

We have made it to the house. We called it a night and tomorrow we don't have to go with him as he will be driving his father in law's fish van. I am glad to not go because I wanted to spend the day with kids.

I Got My Number

I got my IRD number today. I didn't expect it today as the person who submitted my case said it would take at least four days due to the larger than expected number of applications these days. So when they called my sister, we were at the Warehouse looking for furniture. I wasn't in the know when it happened. My sister spoke with the IRD people who asked her for the personal details to confirm who she was. Then the person revealed to my sister that she called because she has completed our application which now she could tell of the number. So my sister excitedly took down the number. She then asked about my case, which the person said she hadn't done it yet. Once she has, she would call back on her phone number.

In about one hour later, I received a phone call from the person. I was on my way to Ken's place. The call was similar to what my sister encountered. The person asked for my personal information, something I gave, then she told me about my number. I took it down, writing it on a newspaper nearby. It was quick. We were done in less than two minutes.

So now what? The question begs so much action. I want to begin schooling first of all. Above everything I want to start my education. I haven't been at it for some time, so it is definitely on the top of the list of things to do once I got my number. After that, I will slowly figure things out from there. Whether to remain in the house with my aunt and uncle, or move to Hamilton with my brother. If they let me stay there to work for them, then I got to go there. But school could be the problem then. We'll see how my school application went to truly know my fate for the next few months.

For now, I am going to bed.

Tantrum Over Carseat

Why does this family love to fight each other so bad? They are at it with one another and so pretentious when they are dealing with other people.

Well this morning was another one of those examples of those fights. The girl and the boy were eyeing for the front passenger seat. They were about to go to school when the boy decidedly took the front seat. The girl then went bananas, threatening not to go to school. The mum tried to compromise with her, which didn't help. She then threw this big ass tantrum. The whole ordeal was 10-20 minutes in length.

My sister couldn't stand it and she tried to intervene. She said then the girl would stay home, and the girl rudely yelled at her saying that she is F$%^king lazy. What? Now the girl is using the f word.

The whole scene came to a stop when the mum started the car engine, threatening to leave with her or without. She started crying historically, which then she succumbed to the pressure and got on the backseat.

So the whole scene was about basically nothing. The girl was very stubborn and should get a punishment for that tantrum. Since their return from the vacation, the two have become tiny devils. The boy had lost a tooth the other day. I didn't know it until I saw it. Shit. I wasn't happy when I learned of the news, nor am I am happy about it. I think the mum should've done something to help out with the tooth. He's losing another one, it seems. The worst parents in the face of the planet.

Family Matters

I saw Bridge yesterday. The way to see her was more interesting to report than the session itself. It was mainly due to the way we had to endure to get there.

We got home after having spent the day out getting a library card, a bank card, and the serial number for work for the both of us. Ken and his wife met us at the shopping mall so that he could help me out with getting the bank account. I only asked him which bank is good, and he responded that he'd come and help. I only acquiesed to his demand. Anyway, we arrived at the house at around 5.30am. I was urgent so I showered quickly. During which time, there was an argument happening outside the door. I could make who the crying voice belonged to and whose voice that did the shouting. In some time, the scene died down, and K and I left the place in a hurry.

Our plan was to walk to uncle K's house, and have him dropped us off at Chinatown. That is the place, newly opened, locating near the counselling centre. We walked for forty minutes or so, and once we reached his house, my heart sank. It was due to uncle K's car wasn't parked outside which only meant he hadn't come home yet. K immediately sprang into action when she dialed the phone to see where he was. It turned out he almost reached home. That was great to hear.

He took us to Chinatown once he got home. It was around 6.35pm. We had only ten minutes to get there. The time then hit 6.41pm when we arrived at Chinatown. My uncle left after the drop off. K and I argued over where she would stay in duration of my session. She was adamant that she would stay outside the centre and read her book in waiting. I didn't like that option since it would mean she had to stay outside in the cold for an hour. I told her to remain at Chinatown. She insisted and followed me to the counselling centre.

I was five minutes late. I apologised for it and Brige said it was okay. I was tired from running, feeling sticky from the shirt clinging to my skin. We walked into this room and had our session from there.

What did we talk about? The theme for last night's session was family. It was predominantly involving marriages within the extended family. We talked initially of the douchey couple. I said they are in this revolving marriage where neither of them is happy. The o isn't happy after she's fully in control of the children. She now is feeling the bite when she understands the complication with the children's day to day lives. The thing is now she is basically becoming me, only will be stuck here for a long time, which upsetting me. I felt that she is oppressed but is oblivious to it, being that she didn't want to move. I disagree of this oppression, and I would have liked she stood up to her own beliefs.

The conversation then changed to me talking about every marriages in my entire family. She asked if there are divorces, which I said yes. Two in fact. The most admired couple is gotta be my second uncle, only because they SEEM happy. The emphasis here is on the word seem as I don't really know them that well.

Next we began this drawing exercise. She told me that I had given her strong images of the oppression that the o is facing, including she is being eaten alive bit by bit, or seeing someone being murdered and you see it happening not doing anything means you're an accomplice in the crime. So which image would like to portray in the picture. I chose the one about my aunt being eaten alive from the high stress that she is dealing with.

I began by drawing aunt. She and then the children look depressed. The kids are with faces and crying tears. They are feeling confused and sad due to not knowing who their parents are, nor how they come to view the whole situation. My aunt, which I didn't include her face, was chained to this cell that surround them all. My position within the image is outside looking in, but somehow I should have been in there. I could substitute my aunt when she's not present.

I also included my sister later on. She is confined in another cell, and she is depressed for the reasons she should be doing her own stuff. I wanted her to be great, but right now she is not doing what she meant to be doing, to gain her place in the world. She is stuck, feeling inadequate, and inferior.

We ended the session with Brige telling me that the whole purpose of the drawing was to let your feelings out. Sometimes when you can't truly express them, drawing is a way to let it out and that could also spill deeper emotions. Also, they could provide you a reflection.

It was a good session. I didn't know that it was time until she said so. We came out and saw my sister waiting on the opposing building. She stayed for last twenty minutes there. Unbelievable.

We then called uncle K to come pick us up. By then the time was around 8.20pm. It was late. I felt guilty for calling him this late. It's late for people who have to get at 4 in the morning, k. So I just really appreciative of that from uncle. Thanks uncle K!

He brought us to the house.

Crappy News

Disappointed. I just learned that the application for the degree I want to study this semester is closed. So I have to wait for second semester, which is 3-4 months from now. It is so unfair, I just want to restart my study as soon as possible. Waiting for three to four more months to study seems so long. It's shit, man.

Les Passeports

We got them back today. FI.NA.LLY. I couldn't help but felt emotionless the moment I received them back. It was surreal. Couldn't believe it could happen to us. It's just too good to be true.
My sister is going to buy a car. Most likely, she is getting a Toyota Corolla Runx or Allex model. We have been searching for a car for a week now, so I think we are close to buy this car from the dealer where we got the douche's car. The problem is that it costs so so much. Around $14,000. I don't think we have that kind of money hanging around. We'll see aye.
Tomorrow I'll be seeing Andy. We made the appointment for today, but I completely forgot! So tomorrow it is.

Things I am getting tomorrow when we out;

• bank card
• license
• library
• number for school
• school application

Good Gesture Turned To Mush

I just posted saying that I was cooking something out of the ordinary tonight for everyone. My sister in law had made us the very dish last night, so I thought I might want to emulate her success tonight. I did it with the help of my sister, who did the cooking of the meat and the shrimps in the shed, as well as some cleaning. It was done and I asked the kids to eat it when they returned from Uncle K's house.

We finished the meal in no time. I, in particular, enjoyed it very much because it was healthy and tasty as well. My sis too was enjoying the meal. The kids however showed no interest. Jord didn't even want the rice noodles that I provided into his bowl. He asked for rice instead. The girl also wanted little amount and even that, she couldn't finish. I was abit upset over that.

Despite the children's disapproval, the most letdown was their mum's reaction to it. I know that I should've asked her to eat it, rather than have her wandered around peeping in to see what the foods were. She told me that she didn't like it. Then she realised what she had said was rude, so she retracted her saying by adding she's going to school tomorrow, which makes her not like that. She'd like rice with veges rather. Once I heard it, I was disappointed to hear it. It is because it was in a way something I hoped they'd enjoy as much as I do. I went to pack up the dishes and washed immediately.

I haven't told my sister about it. She'd be angry too if she heard it. I just ignored the question when she asked if the douchey couple had tasted it. It's not something I'd like to share if it could hurt the relationship.

This is not coming from the anger when they didn't even want to touch the foods (it happened right before she came into the kitchen and saw the food) but when I was in the bathroom, I overheard the d scolding at his wife. I don't know the whole conversation as I only got into the bathroom when they almost finished conversing. She told him about what the kids did, impersonating the sounds of the kids. He was painting the fence when this was happening, and it got him bothered. He scolded at her, telling her to shoosh, and to go shopping already.

I was really astonished to hear the sound of the car engine starting. I couldn't believe that she was taking this crap from him. Sometimes, I feel that people are just blind to what they don't want to see. When they have certain things, the badness tend to be folding under them. She is blind to all these bullshits. She is trapped without realising it. Or does she already know, but pretending to be ignorant of it, just so she could get by daily? However she thinks, it is not healthy in anyway.

What's the lesson learned from this evening? Don't be nice and make stuff that you think people would like. It would only lead to disappointment. In this family, that is the only thing they surely know how to do.

Japanese

Learning Japanese is harder than I anticipated. I knew going into it that it's quite hard seeing how difficult their writing system is. But I thought I knew Chinese Mandarin, so it wouldn't be so. I was wrong. Their grammar is also complicated. I hope digging deeper into the language it would become easier. Right now I am studying how to ask for the price of certain items.

Going Off In The Car

Oh boy..oh boy. The afternoon was filled with a crazy scene. It was almost deja vu for me. Really. It was. I hated every moment of it. For what it's worth, I don't want to be in the same situation again. I don't want to ask for any favours from my brother any longer. At least, one favour that involves his wife.

So what happened? Well we were going to this place in the Glen Ennis to view the cars there. IT was like a flea market for cars. There were many car available there, but none interested us. We wasted about twenty or so minutes there, just walking around the park. Then as we headed to Otahuhu to get check out the dealerships in the area, L began nagging. She nags alot actually. Today I felt an undertone of discontent. Whenever things don't go as she wanted, you could feel it in the atmosphere that she isn't happy. Today, she made her discontent obviously.

We arrived at one of the dealerships along the road where many dealerships were present. We looked into one of them, seeing nothing we liked. L considered this a waste of time, because my brother was looking for a particular car model. If he liked that car so much, why are wasting our time searching around? She wanted to find out.

This little nagging in time turned to one that could cause world war three. It was that bad, due to her raised voice. She was quite annoying actually. I could see what she meant by saying that he was only interested in a limited choice of cars, which was quite stupid. I mean the car is meant for my sister to drive, so ultimately it would be her choice in the end. My brother made it that the car he saw at the GM place was the chosen one, despite some objection from me and my sis. The problem I saw with L was the way she went about it. She was vocal, which was unhelpful. In fact, it was really tense for the rest of us.

The tense was carried on for the rest of the ride. We stopped at this truck rental place, and she was acting quite bitchy. Sorry to use the term on her, since she is normally nice, but her attitude in the car today warranted the namesake. My brother calmed down and invited her to look at the trucks. They are moving next Saturday, so he was looking for a truck to shift their things. He was acting nicely, inviting inside. She gave him the silence treatment. So the intensity increased by ten fold from there.

After that, my brother asked if we would have lunch. She insisted on going back home, to the point that she almost raised her voice again. IT was going to be painful. Ken could only do as best as he could, which to stay quiet and to obey.

In that twenty or so minute ride, I felt like killing myself just to get out of the car. It was just bad. BAD.

She left the car as soon as the car got to her place. My brother asked where we'd go for lunch. We ended up going to club. There we spoke of our situation. Ken asked where we'd like to move to once we got our passies back. He suggested that we should move in with him in Hamilton, because it would help us, providing us with shelter, and it would ease his problem by working for him. I don't know how to reply. All I know right now is I want to apply for school, despite the uni starts tomorrow. As for where to sleep, I just don't care. Wherever, but as long as it is as far away from everything as possible. That's all I know. But of course I couldn't say that to him. I just said that I don't know, maybe stay with the douchey couple for the time being if I did get admitted to school. Otherwise, it is most likely I am going to work for him. This though is a predicament that I am trying to solve. Nothing is certain.

My sister pushed me to say that I would want to live with her until I go to school and get a job. I haven't promised her anything yet, because again I don't know for sure of what to do next.

Lunch was done and we departed ways. He drove us back to the house, and he left, possibly going to a friend's house, seeing he wouldn't want to return to a house with a madwoman inside. I wouldn't want to too.

That is our afternoon. Though we did go to the library for alittle bit. Right now the o is taking the children to Uncle K's place. I am making this rice noodle treat for dinner. It was the same meal I had at Ken's last night. I enjoyed it so I am trying to emulate it. Hopefully it'd be good.

Going Auto Shopping

Am going with my brother and his wife to the auto "flea market" in a few minutes. I thought I'd like to blog for a little bit in the while waiting for him to arrive.

Ok he just called I gotta go.

Current Events

• K, I and my brother with his wife have been looking for a car for my sister. We have been at it since Tuesday, going to auction houses to get a bargain. It is all complicated since we have a small budget to begin with. My sister apparently likes a small typed car, which looks similar to a beetle. The ones we looked at, I think her fav is the VW Polo. The price though doesn't match the budget, infact more so than not.
• I am trying to get my japanese studies up to intermediate level. I have been trying to get contacts with people who can teach me the subject on Facebook.
• My brother and his wife are almost done with purchasing the butchery in Hamilton. They are in the process of change of ownership after having done the negotiating. If things are going according to plan, we will move in on the 7th next month.
• My brother had asked me to help him out for the first week. They acquired rent on this apartment in the Hamilton CBD, with two rooms, apparently one for themselves while the other is for moi if I decided to stay there over weekend, or in the while I go help them. My feeling is neutral. I don't think I want to stay there long term, being that I don't feel comfortable and the fact that I hate doing butchery.
• The earthquake that happened in Chch earlier this week in the time I was sitting in the car waiting for my brother and his wife while in the lawyer's office. We stayed there after we had just been to the auction. We heard of the news over the radio. It's sad and I hope the families involved in the quake will find good news.

Unhappy

Unhappy. I just saw Brige two days ago, I felt better, then it reverted back to my bad mood. This is what I am feeling right now. It's the feeling that I don't want to live, because there is no point.

Jealousy. I am envious for the people who have got their things straightened. I hate it.

Do You Trust Me?

I went to see my counsellor at around 6.30pm. I was supposed to see her on Saturday but the car situation permitted the meeting to desolve. I called the centre on Monday to reschedule which I got the appointment for tonight.

Here are what we discussed in today's session;

• We talked about the kids' mum has now changed. She is starting to take the kids to school and back, which made me feel left out as I don't know what to do. She understood that if you want something so bad, suddenly you got, it leaves you feeling empty. I got that sentiment when I was made redundant without the kids to look after.


• With the kids now being taken care off by their mum, do I still want to leave the house. I said I don't know, but still wanting to move as I want more freedom. She proceeded to ask what sort of place do I want to move to, like an apartment with roommates, or a school hostel. I couldn't pick initially as I felt both are the same, with respect to being people I don't know, which is scaring at the same as the financial problem this may cause. In the end, I said the school hostel. I think it's more cheaper.


• The conversation moved to the swimming lesson. I said that I had my uncle taking me, instead of the lesson that I meant to take. The problem was that he also brought his family along, which lessen our time for swimming lesson. She asked if I could tell him to take the lesson more seriously, meaning he shouldn't bring his family. Also, she asked about my relationship with my uncle, is the sort of person I could talk to easily? I responded that he's ok, and I do feel comfortable talking about stuff. At the same time, other things I don't feel I want to trouble him, as he has his family to worry about.


• I told Brige about the short story of Walter Mitty. She brought up about my sleeping habits, which is something I hate doing, I told her. I likened the hate for sleeping with a prelude of fantasing to the charater Walter. I mentioned the story being that I could relate to the title character. Like myself, he fantasises about scenarios that make heroic. The difference is that he sees himself in the fantasies, whereas I view myself being in someone else's shoes achieving those magnificent. So in a way, I am not the hero in my own fantasies.


• She said she'd read the story. Would she see me in the story? I said that I am different in him in regard to our age difference and he thinks of himself the hero within his fantasies. He gets beaten by the people around him, which I always felt in my own everyday memory. But I don't think he is me, but a relatable person.


• We also talked about my anxiety. How the first time I came to see her, I was anxious and didn't want to come in. I was sitting in the car outside, and was shaking and thinking that I shouldn't be here. Brige pushed the conversation to why I felt that I shouldn't come in. I said because of money and time I don't want to waste. WHose money was I spending on counselling? My mum's, which she gave me as pocket money. I said I don't like spending it as I wish to return all the amount she has been giving me. I feel it's dirty and it's a charitable thing that she's doing. Brige of course went on saying that she's my mum, therefore it's her duty to give me the money. Also, she said that lots and lots of mums out there do the same thing, so I shouldn't think this way. I still don't like it.


• The talk about my mum turned to if she knew about me coming here? I said no because she wouldn't like it. She would go bananas, as that would make her look bad in front of others. I think she would think only crazy people go see counsellors. I don't feel ashamed but I don't want people know that I am seeing a counsellor.


• Do I trust Brige? On a scale from one to ten, with one being the relationship horrible and ten is where the trust is mutual, where is our relationship standing? I said that it would be high number. Do I feel anxious with her, after four sessions? I do feel better with entering the door, but not so great in pertaining to talking to her. We then practised sitting right. Her homework for me is to sit properly, with my hands on the side relaxed. There are some habits that we've been teaching ourselves for so long that when an anxiety hits, we would naturally revert to a bad habit, which for me the nail biting and not knowing how to position my hands. I should therefore "unlearn" the bad habits, and substitute it with a good habit, which is sitting relaxingly, and comfortably. If we could do that, we can at least calm down the anxiety, or show less symptions externally.


• Lastly we chatted about the periodic interval in which to see each other. I questioned what is the norm for her to see patients. She said sometimes people prefer to see on a weekly basis, whereas sometimes fortnightly. They could change from seeing her weekly to fortnightly depending on the patient's comfortability. As for me, I honestly said that money is a factor in me seeing her fortnightly, something I'd like to change to a weekly thing. She said yea, we should and she wanted to book me for five weekly sessions for the next five weeks. Also the counselling centre would help me with paying for $25 off the cost for each session. I agreed because I wanted to have someone to talk to, as every two weeks is too long for me. So I am seeing her at the same time next week.

The session was good. I would prefer that we talked about my fear of aging and the number that I hate being. I hope she liked the short story I told her about, and I hope to talk to her about my greatest fear in next week's meeting.

Just arrived home from another night spent at the Lantern Festival. This time though we were going there with my brother and his wife. We had dinner at the pizza place called La Porchetta in the city. Good food and great service. We remained at the festival until the fireworks. It was really awesome. Enjoyed the night very much. Here are the pictures from yesterday night with the kids and tonight's pix;

The firework at the end. It was really good. My cam didn't it justice.
There was a lion and dragon dance in the middle of the food area. I expected more from this really, but it was cool nonetheless.

Lanterns. Many shapes and sizes were present.

Ice cream on waffle with fruits. Jude was enjoying the dessert all by herself.