Consequences

I saw Bridge last week. The week before we didn't meet because I thought I wasn't going to be able to make due to Ken asking me to stay for the builders. Then the builder called to say that he wasn't coming till Saturday I could get out of the shop for two days. In this event, I decided not to go see her anyway.

Last week's session was about my hatred toward repetitive days. I talked about working at the butchery, something that I hate. She said that I was sensitive, and she suggested that I should develop a schedule to include fun in the plan. She said that sometimes people make their days less fun, which is something that they amend when they schedule probably. She went on to tell me that I am sensitive because I make emotional attachment to whatever I do, which is making things more complicated.

I said that I wanted to be somebody who is not that way, because then I could get to more places. The consequences that I think that could be the problem later on if I had my decisions, I think too much of them. I care about them, put them forth, than myself.

Updating For the Last Two Weeks

This week has been bad so far. The worst thing for me was yesterday's tragic accident involving my oversized feet and my glasses. Yes all the newspapers in the world have reported of its end, my glasses. i stepped on my glasses, and it is all snapped in half...55555

Ok stop being so dramatic. All I have to do is go through the week without those goggles. I hate to admit it but it's gonna be hard since I don't see well, and working here requires good vision for when I need to pack stuff. I will get through it...

My session with was mixed. I don't know, like, at the end of the session, Brige said that she had figured out my problem. My root problem. What she meant was that she had been trying to see the core problem because when I talk about my family's issues, she just doesn't what is causing these problems. Now she discovers that my root issue is regarding the lack of belonging to a group, that is the sad story of my life. She continued that she wanted to know where I feel most belonged to, which I said that I don't. Neither the groups she presented was my sense of belonging felt most connected to. The sad part was that I actually felt that both groups have rejected one way or another. So she now knows why I have been feeling the way I am feeling...or so her belief.

I don't know. I feel like that was part of my problem. Not now. I was feeling quite rejected when I was younger, by both cultures that I grew up with. At one stage all i could think about was changing my face to fit in with them, which now I don't feel anymore. So I think the problem in pertaining to my lacking sense of belonging is one that was the past. Now I have problems dealing with the future. That is what I think is the core issue.

I will tell her that when I see her again in two weeks' time.

I want to get my sister a job in the lab. She has been searching for a job for sometime now. Actually since the time I moved here. There was an occasion that she was invited back to see the people. The job was some sort of marketing related work. She went there on a Tuesday two weeks ago, and she was called back the next day for a trial. So she did return the following day to only discover that she was going doors to doors to convert people to Contact, the energy company. It was exhausting she said, and it was commissioned pay. In the end she didn't get it because it was her inclusiveness that let her down.

Enlightenment

I have canceled my appointment with Brige for this coming Monday session. I will be starting at the job with my brother during this time, so that is the reason I am canceling the appointment. In the beginning my sister insisted that I should be returning to Auckland so I could see Brige, but that is not the wise decision.

About my previous session with her, we were talking about change. I was telling her that I hate change. That is the reason why I don't want things to move forward, just have them in stationary as long as possible. We then talked about if I had returned to Cambo, because there is a chance that I haven't had closure to the dramatic change that was the move to this country.

The conversation further conclude on the point of change, how it is necessary for life to continue in the manor that it builds on who you are. I told her that I wanted to become a gerontologist in hope to develop anti-aging medicinal pill. Brige on the other hand had believed that by having such thing, lives would be stopped, meaning that you won't gain new life experiences as a result. I rebutted with her saying that the pill would allow people to remain where they are and still have experiences. The undirected result from the pill would be stopping death itself. She doesn't agree, so that we left it at that.

Anyway, the whole time we talked about the change that every person on the face of the planet faces, was actually quite enlightening. I felt shadowed by my own dark thoughts, and in a way, it made me feel that I don't like the way life is dictating you. In the way that God had made people born in this world of uncertainty, the way that we are born to develop these relationships with our loved ones and have that be stripped away from us, is cruel. I don't understand or comprehend the thinking of such a life design. So by speaking to Brige on these topics, she had opened my mind that I am not alone in asking these questions. There have been many many philosophers who have dealt with the same mentality, in reasoning why are we here. They all came to the conclusion in varying degree of their own enlightenment, so I will find my own niche eventually.

Hope she is right, because right now I am as confused as ever.

This Week's Big Events

A lot of things happened this week. And, it's only Thursday. I have been really busy lately, so I won't go into details of the events that took place. I will write more on those events when I get the chance to.

1. I went to see Brige on Monday night at 6. The topic was change and life and death. My hate for change.
2. Earlier in the week, we went to the car dealer to check out the car. For two days straight we checked the car but it wasn't done. Tuesday was a waste of time being that the car dealer promised it would done by 11am but upon our arrival, the car was still in the cleaning process. We went to have lunch at the Try it Out restaurant, and when we got back, we waited some more for the car. My brother entered their garage to check and tell them what to do, and still they weren't finished. Around one hour later he returned to the car, where we waited endlessly in there. L was also present, so you could feel the tension as she was fuming to get out of there as soon as possible.
   Anyway, the paint work wasn't done in the proper manner, so Ken suggested to them that he would come back on Friday. So we left there disappointed.
3. Ken and his wife left for their new apartment on Tuesday afternoon straight after the long wait inside the car at the dealership. K wanted to go to the library to pick up some books, so she asked my brother to drop us off at Manu City Centre. Once there, we came out of the car and walked to the library.
   I was going to go to the National Bank to get my bank account set up properly. The bank was closed. We bused home.
4. On Wednesday was an adventure. We properly spent majority of the day sitting in public transport buses and train. The charges for these rides were so much that it could serve me and my sister one big meal at a restaurant.
   We planned to go to Manuwa, to see a JP. So we took the bus to Manukau, then transfer to Manuwa.
   The plan came to fruition. The problem was the money issue. I couldn't understand why the high charge for using public transport. The govt wants people to use as much as public transport, so why the hell they charge us so much for using something deemed good for the environment over the use of private cars.
   Anyway, when we reached Manuwa, the JP there was absent. Apparently they close on Wednesdays. We couldn't get the copies certified, so I kinda pushed my sister to go to the city via the train. I wanted to enrolled to AU as fast as possible before I went to Hamy. My sister agreed and we got on the train, which was just arriving. The fare for this ride was six dollars per person, which was again so dear.
   Arrived at Brito station, we walked to find the clock tower. For ten minutes or so, we searched until we got to the destination. We had the people copied our documents and officially we enrolled for the school.
   We wondered around the uni ground for some time to find JP there, so I could certify the copied papers. I still wanted some certified copies so I could enroll at the Otag U. For this reason we walked in search of the JP in the IT place. The JP was absent.
   Bused home directly from the uni ground, the charge was $6.80 each person. We sat on the bus for the next hour and fifteen minutes.
5. Today we waited for my brother and his wife who were coming from Hamy. They came for our sake, because the dealer had called him to check on the car. It was finally completed the cleanup and some touch up. He arrived at around 2.30pm. For some time at the dealership, we even had an around town test drive, the car was finally settled. It was finally completed to the satisfaction of my brother. K was ok with it, and as for me, not really. They promised NEW tires, NEW rims, the complete package. The promise wasn't up to the standard. I am happy for this reason. But despite my concern the breach of the promises, my brother was satisfied which spoke for the rest of us. We gave them the money, they changed the ownership's name of the car in exchange, thus the car is officially K's.
   My sister is very happy with it. Her first car.

I will write more on these topics. I am packing for tomorrow's move to Hamy. I will blog from there the next time I write.

Family Matters

I saw Bridge yesterday. The way to see her was more interesting to report than the session itself. It was mainly due to the way we had to endure to get there.

We got home after having spent the day out getting a library card, a bank card, and the serial number for work for the both of us. Ken and his wife met us at the shopping mall so that he could help me out with getting the bank account. I only asked him which bank is good, and he responded that he'd come and help. I only acquiesed to his demand. Anyway, we arrived at the house at around 5.30am. I was urgent so I showered quickly. During which time, there was an argument happening outside the door. I could make who the crying voice belonged to and whose voice that did the shouting. In some time, the scene died down, and K and I left the place in a hurry.

Our plan was to walk to uncle K's house, and have him dropped us off at Chinatown. That is the place, newly opened, locating near the counselling centre. We walked for forty minutes or so, and once we reached his house, my heart sank. It was due to uncle K's car wasn't parked outside which only meant he hadn't come home yet. K immediately sprang into action when she dialed the phone to see where he was. It turned out he almost reached home. That was great to hear.

He took us to Chinatown once he got home. It was around 6.35pm. We had only ten minutes to get there. The time then hit 6.41pm when we arrived at Chinatown. My uncle left after the drop off. K and I argued over where she would stay in duration of my session. She was adamant that she would stay outside the centre and read her book in waiting. I didn't like that option since it would mean she had to stay outside in the cold for an hour. I told her to remain at Chinatown. She insisted and followed me to the counselling centre.

I was five minutes late. I apologised for it and Brige said it was okay. I was tired from running, feeling sticky from the shirt clinging to my skin. We walked into this room and had our session from there.

What did we talk about? The theme for last night's session was family. It was predominantly involving marriages within the extended family. We talked initially of the douchey couple. I said they are in this revolving marriage where neither of them is happy. The o isn't happy after she's fully in control of the children. She now is feeling the bite when she understands the complication with the children's day to day lives. The thing is now she is basically becoming me, only will be stuck here for a long time, which upsetting me. I felt that she is oppressed but is oblivious to it, being that she didn't want to move. I disagree of this oppression, and I would have liked she stood up to her own beliefs.

The conversation then changed to me talking about every marriages in my entire family. She asked if there are divorces, which I said yes. Two in fact. The most admired couple is gotta be my second uncle, only because they SEEM happy. The emphasis here is on the word seem as I don't really know them that well.

Next we began this drawing exercise. She told me that I had given her strong images of the oppression that the o is facing, including she is being eaten alive bit by bit, or seeing someone being murdered and you see it happening not doing anything means you're an accomplice in the crime. So which image would like to portray in the picture. I chose the one about my aunt being eaten alive from the high stress that she is dealing with.

I began by drawing aunt. She and then the children look depressed. The kids are with faces and crying tears. They are feeling confused and sad due to not knowing who their parents are, nor how they come to view the whole situation. My aunt, which I didn't include her face, was chained to this cell that surround them all. My position within the image is outside looking in, but somehow I should have been in there. I could substitute my aunt when she's not present.

I also included my sister later on. She is confined in another cell, and she is depressed for the reasons she should be doing her own stuff. I wanted her to be great, but right now she is not doing what she meant to be doing, to gain her place in the world. She is stuck, feeling inadequate, and inferior.

We ended the session with Brige telling me that the whole purpose of the drawing was to let your feelings out. Sometimes when you can't truly express them, drawing is a way to let it out and that could also spill deeper emotions. Also, they could provide you a reflection.

It was a good session. I didn't know that it was time until she said so. We came out and saw my sister waiting on the opposing building. She stayed for last twenty minutes there. Unbelievable.

We then called uncle K to come pick us up. By then the time was around 8.20pm. It was late. I felt guilty for calling him this late. It's late for people who have to get at 4 in the morning, k. So I just really appreciative of that from uncle. Thanks uncle K!

He brought us to the house.

Do You Trust Me?

I went to see my counsellor at around 6.30pm. I was supposed to see her on Saturday but the car situation permitted the meeting to desolve. I called the centre on Monday to reschedule which I got the appointment for tonight.

Here are what we discussed in today's session;

• We talked about the kids' mum has now changed. She is starting to take the kids to school and back, which made me feel left out as I don't know what to do. She understood that if you want something so bad, suddenly you got, it leaves you feeling empty. I got that sentiment when I was made redundant without the kids to look after.


• With the kids now being taken care off by their mum, do I still want to leave the house. I said I don't know, but still wanting to move as I want more freedom. She proceeded to ask what sort of place do I want to move to, like an apartment with roommates, or a school hostel. I couldn't pick initially as I felt both are the same, with respect to being people I don't know, which is scaring at the same as the financial problem this may cause. In the end, I said the school hostel. I think it's more cheaper.


• The conversation moved to the swimming lesson. I said that I had my uncle taking me, instead of the lesson that I meant to take. The problem was that he also brought his family along, which lessen our time for swimming lesson. She asked if I could tell him to take the lesson more seriously, meaning he shouldn't bring his family. Also, she asked about my relationship with my uncle, is the sort of person I could talk to easily? I responded that he's ok, and I do feel comfortable talking about stuff. At the same time, other things I don't feel I want to trouble him, as he has his family to worry about.


• I told Brige about the short story of Walter Mitty. She brought up about my sleeping habits, which is something I hate doing, I told her. I likened the hate for sleeping with a prelude of fantasing to the charater Walter. I mentioned the story being that I could relate to the title character. Like myself, he fantasises about scenarios that make heroic. The difference is that he sees himself in the fantasies, whereas I view myself being in someone else's shoes achieving those magnificent. So in a way, I am not the hero in my own fantasies.


• She said she'd read the story. Would she see me in the story? I said that I am different in him in regard to our age difference and he thinks of himself the hero within his fantasies. He gets beaten by the people around him, which I always felt in my own everyday memory. But I don't think he is me, but a relatable person.


• We also talked about my anxiety. How the first time I came to see her, I was anxious and didn't want to come in. I was sitting in the car outside, and was shaking and thinking that I shouldn't be here. Brige pushed the conversation to why I felt that I shouldn't come in. I said because of money and time I don't want to waste. WHose money was I spending on counselling? My mum's, which she gave me as pocket money. I said I don't like spending it as I wish to return all the amount she has been giving me. I feel it's dirty and it's a charitable thing that she's doing. Brige of course went on saying that she's my mum, therefore it's her duty to give me the money. Also, she said that lots and lots of mums out there do the same thing, so I shouldn't think this way. I still don't like it.


• The talk about my mum turned to if she knew about me coming here? I said no because she wouldn't like it. She would go bananas, as that would make her look bad in front of others. I think she would think only crazy people go see counsellors. I don't feel ashamed but I don't want people know that I am seeing a counsellor.


• Do I trust Brige? On a scale from one to ten, with one being the relationship horrible and ten is where the trust is mutual, where is our relationship standing? I said that it would be high number. Do I feel anxious with her, after four sessions? I do feel better with entering the door, but not so great in pertaining to talking to her. We then practised sitting right. Her homework for me is to sit properly, with my hands on the side relaxed. There are some habits that we've been teaching ourselves for so long that when an anxiety hits, we would naturally revert to a bad habit, which for me the nail biting and not knowing how to position my hands. I should therefore "unlearn" the bad habits, and substitute it with a good habit, which is sitting relaxingly, and comfortably. If we could do that, we can at least calm down the anxiety, or show less symptions externally.


• Lastly we chatted about the periodic interval in which to see each other. I questioned what is the norm for her to see patients. She said sometimes people prefer to see on a weekly basis, whereas sometimes fortnightly. They could change from seeing her weekly to fortnightly depending on the patient's comfortability. As for me, I honestly said that money is a factor in me seeing her fortnightly, something I'd like to change to a weekly thing. She said yea, we should and she wanted to book me for five weekly sessions for the next five weeks. Also the counselling centre would help me with paying for $25 off the cost for each session. I agreed because I wanted to have someone to talk to, as every two weeks is too long for me. So I am seeing her at the same time next week.

The session was good. I would prefer that we talked about my fear of aging and the number that I hate being. I hope she liked the short story I told her about, and I hope to talk to her about my greatest fear in next week's meeting.

Going to See Bridge

I am about to go to see Bridge. She gave an assignment to do, which was to draw the imaginary hole. I hated doing this since I don't know what the hole looks like. So instead I drew a well, and the bottom couldn't be seen. I didn't want to make too much imagery of how I deep I feel at times, but drawing a bottomless well is on its way to represent my current state of mind. It's getting late for the appointment, so I better go.

The Imaginary Well and Night Out

I was meaning to blog yesterday but upon returning from the city, it was really late that I couldn't get online to do so. Anyway, here I am now writing about the events that happened. And I have to admit, it was quite eventful.

In the morning I woke up at around 8.45. I looked at the clock and I was still in the droozing phase. I told myself that I still had spare time to waste before going to counselling, so I went back to have more sleeping time. AT nine, that was when I truly had my body dragged up and went to brush my teeth. I told K to prep as I knew she'd take longer than myself. She did take her time, and by the time she came back from the bathroom, the time already reached half past ten. I had only thirty, but I still wanted to shower. All this added up to me being to see Bridge, my cousellor. She even called as we were making our way there. I was embarrassed, ok.

Anyway, the counselling for this session was focused on an imaginary hole. She told me about a five chapter story which focuses on the telling of your situation. Here is how the story went:

• Chapter one- you are walking down a street. You fall into a hole. It's not your fault. You can't get out of it.


• Chapter two- you are walking down a street. You fall into a hole. It's not your fault. You can see how you fall, but you don't know how to get out of it.


• Chapter three- you walk down a street. You see the hole, but still you manage to fall into it. It's your fault, and you can't get out of it.


• Chapter four- you walk down a street, you see the hole and you evade from falling into it by walking around it.


• Chapter five- you walk on a complete different street.

Bridge asked me which chapter does my situation belong in. I thought about it for a few minutes, my mind was circling on either chapter one or two, and I resorted to telling her that I believe I am in chapter two.

We talked further into more details about the image of the hole. She asked me questions like what does the hole look like, what colour is it, is the sky dark or light time, the weather, etc. Is there a tunnel? I said that the hole is dark in colour, there are stars in the night sky, no tunnel as I see it being a well.

"Does the well have water?" she asked.

"No, it's dry and deep"

We explored the imaginary well some more. She questioned about the location of the well. She added is there anything or anybody that could help out of it?

"Umm...I don't know where the well is, but I do know that it is sitting in an isolated place. I believe the only person who can help me get out of it is my sister. But at the same time, I don't want her to be that person because I am afraid she could end up in there with me."

"Where do I stand in all of this picture," asked Bridge.

For a moment I thought Bridge was trying to ask whether seeing her helps. But when I told her that I imagine her at the top of the well, she further investigated on why I said that. I told her it was because I see her as somebody who is wholesome, having a great family, well educated and ultimately happy. She let out a little tear and thanked me. She said she does have a wholesome family and she is grateful for it. She was happy to hear from me.

Bridge said she could help me. She's got the experience and the tools to aid me out of the well.

For the rest of the session we talked about the family dynamic. We talked about the douche being like a dictator in my eyes, and aunt is his servant. We talked about how he is putting on a facade, so people on the outside looking in will see how perfect he is, which does not truly reflect the reality. We also talked about how my leaving the house would reflect on the parents, the kids, and myself. I told her that I feel like a leech in their house, something she said it is not true, being that the species itself clings onto a host until the host becomes useless then it releases from it. I couldn't help but feel that way, I said.

By the end of the session, she gave some homework to do. First, she wanted me to draw an image of the well. Write down words that make me feel inside that well, and have her and my sister's images on the top of the well. Next, she wanted me to do some thinking. Think about the possibilities of things that could happen when I do decide to leave the house. If leaving is bad, how does being stationary help?

After the session, I paid the fifty five dollars, and K, who was waiting pour moi outside, and I returned back to the house where we had the clothes hung on the line. We went to have lunch at the junction near our house.

Stupid me that I forgot to bring money, so my sis couldn't get her pie. We once again came back to the house to retrieve it. After that we headed to the stationery warehouse to purchase school material for the twins($100 ripped off).

We got to the libray but didn't borrow anything. K found out that she needed to an id to get a replacement card. I lost my sis' purse last Saturday after the twins' birthday dinner. I hate that.

We went back home and we stayed there until 4.30. This time, we headed to uncle Kong's house because we had to give him the stationery that we bought from earlier. K and I kinda hoped that he'd pay us but it wasn't the case.

For dinner, we ate at the Taiwanese restaurant. We ordered the same thing as last time when we were there with my sister's friend, SL.

My sis, lately, is abit cautious about health. She now insisted that we take a long walk after dinner. That was what happened when we directed the car to the park near our house. There, we walked for a very long time. At one point, we managed to take route that led to nowhere.

While we walked, we also talked about random topics. On that randomness, we ventured on the topic about my sister's friend who resides in oz. Then, and there, I made a phone call to her. I don't what got into me, but I felt the call was free anyway, so what was the harm. Beside, K had to contact her eventually.

The call reached an answer from a familiar voice. My sis spoke into the phone, but the answerer was in a crowded and noisy place, so she could hear. But it was obvious that the friend was now back in NZ.

My sis texted instead, telling her that she wanted to speak to her. The friend we will call TD replied and said they should meet up that night. I think K wanted to go anyway, so I pushed her to meet with her friend. It turned out the friend was having dinner with a bunch of other friends from school whom my sister knew, she said for my sis to go there. We did that as my sister was anxious and excited at the same time.

We drove for forty minutes to reach and parked near the restaurant. My sister went in while I waited in the car. For a little bit, I did walk around to kill the boredom. When my sis came back, she invited me to join them as the crew was heading to the casino. I agreed, and i met my sis' old friends; MD, TD, this guy from her accounting class, TD's couple of male friends, FA and AC. These people were very kind because when K and I, who didn't have IDs, couldn't get in there, they also didn't go too. We went to the DECK club and saw some performances. My sister was loaded with elation and jubilations. She couldn't stop talking and laughing. She even went to dance at the dance floor!!

At one stage into the night, my sister pulled TD aside to tell her the truth about the last few years. MD walked in on them and she now knows about it too. At least, K can now relax about telling her friends.

I learned that TD only came back to NZ for two weeks to have her visa renewed. It was funny how I called on the night that she came back and partied with the people who knew K. What a coincidence!

About my sis' friends, they are accoutant geeks. All but one took accounting in uni. The other one does nursing.

We got kicked out of the DECK because of the lack of IDs from K and I. We were party poopers really. We decided to meet up again next Saturday and this time we were told to bring the IDs. After the events tonight, one cannot forget to bring them.

We departed by this point. It was a lovely night. My sis loved it, and that is all it mattered.

Pool

I am seeing a counsellor. The depression was too much for me last year. I was sick by the feeling. It was the worst thing one can possess. So I decided that I'd like to see somebody to help me out. My doctor referred to my counsellor whose name is Bridge. Ok, that is not her really name, but that is what I will call her on this blog.

We talked about my fear of going out in public. She recommended me to go to the swimming pool and get a lesson. She and her husband, too, are getting lessons. So she told us to go and get a lesson to swim as I don't know how. I am now made in this contract that by the time I see her next, which is one and a half week from now, I will already have had a lesson.

She said she's pushy but I think I need that. I wanted my mum to push into developing some hobby or something that I could say my own interest. Bridge was quite gentle in that she wanted me to email the people to make the appointment and constantly backing her claim that it is not hard to do that. I still haven't done it.

We also talked about the family. It's the yoosh.

There was another topic that made me feel really depressed. I won't mention it here, but what she said was logical. She made me realised that we have to deal with the facts as they are, not as how I would like them to be. Sometimes things happen for a reason, even they are bad things, they still have a purpose. It is only our choices and how we react and think about them that made them not as scary. It was quite enlightening but I still feel a little unsatisfied. Not with her, but with reality itself.

So the task to do this week is to enroll myself into a swimming lesson. We'll see that we will go.