Tuesday Blues

Today I had a panick attack. It was all about my life, my immediate future and my concern for the wellbeing of my whole family. I am weak in this field because I want everything to go great. This night, everything was collapsing on me. I couldn't believe that I was that weak not to deter such emotive feelings.

THere are so many troubles in my life right now. I had to go to uni, which I felt hard to do. The morning classes in particular are hard to wake up for. This very morning I couldn't get up, but when I did, I couldn't make it in time to Bio. I had to sit on the steps, where the slides on the projection made my life even more difficult. THe lecturer was going way too fast.

Then there was the time spending on looking for stationery, and for other school related stuff, which further made the financial situation more complicated. I had to spend around $200 in total for the text books. It's reall hard to contemplate about such spending. But I had to do it.

The worst of all the problems are my stay in this house. I just felt that my sister deserves something better than this. I don't like the way they are telling us not to cook in the kitchen because they fear we stink up the place, thus ruining their clothes. I understand their point of view, but I don't like it. I do want to cook, so does my sister. We are experimental cooks which require the kitchen.

The good thing is that my sister received a phone call from my d, telling us about my bro Ken came to the place and did't like the sight. He went to tell my family about it, and now he is helping us out of this place, which to my sister, it is a good thing. I know that we won't be living here long, but I didn't expect it to be this quick. But in the end, it is about our wellbeing, so I don't mind much.

Opera House

Australia is beautiful. To be more specific, Sydney is awesomely stunning. Today, we headed to the Opera House and it was as beautiful as they mention in the pamphlets. Heaps of photos were taken, and yet we weren't able to make ourselves leave. It was that cool.

We also went to the Sydney Aquarium, then to Paddy's Market, Chinatown, all the while enjoying ourselves in the beautiful blue sky weather.

Oh and the trains are double decker so it was good, compared to the ones we got in Akld.

My First Week Of Independence

Monday- I was in Ham. My sister in law and I were looking after her butchery, while my brother was going to Auck to get stuff. They were really good to me, especially when they were genuinely concerned about my wellbeing when I moved out. Ken kept asking me about the new place and told me to get enough meat for the whole week. I did in the end, got a few sirloin steaks, two scotch steaks, a tray of chicken patties, and a tray of kumara croquettes. I took the bus that night.

Tuesday- a frustrating day. The people down stairs weren't at work, so I had the whole place to myself. I had plans to clean the room (which was still a mess), go to the australian consulate, and probably go to uni. None of it was done that day, while nothing was achieved to great success. I was angry at myself for feeling that way. But in the end, I did go help out at my uncle's shop as he was about to close the shop. It was a complete waste of time. The day I mean, not the time I was at my uncle's shop.

That night my sister's friend R came to our room because he wanted to plan for the trip with her. They did everything and it ended up that everyone has to chip in around $300 each, double the amount we initially thought.

Wednesday- we went to see the university because K wanted to pay off out student fees. But the line was too long, so we didn't do it. Then we went to the consulate, but they were closed on Wednesday afternoons. For the rest of the day, we traveled to Meadowlands to get my cousin Kem's id photos taken, and then got our bank addresses changed, and the statements. After dropping my cousin off at his place, my sister and I got to this hardware store and ordered this five shelf storage. It was on special and looked reasonably good. Home we got to after that.

Thursday- It was tiring. In the morning I got to the city late for my cousin. Once arrived, we walked to the consulate. I went inside and there was this machine that you press to a number, to tell you the order in which they will see you. I remember it was 16 for us. That morning it was really quick, the queue I mean. I presented to the lady before the class window of the applications for my sister and I. In the end, the applications weren't completed to the standard that they require so we departed. I did learn that they only need two items, financial evidence of how you can support yourself and also the the drawback, which to show either school or work evidence.

So school was my next destination, being that I had official papers from them. I went to the student help centre asking for some paper, which the front desk lady told me I have to apply for it. OH, and they charge $30 for the application. The worst thing of it is that they require two to four working days to process it. I was really dazed because I really needed it for the afternoon appointment with the consulate.

I phoned my sister for advice, but rather I asked her to come to the uni. I did pay for my official paper and when my sister arrived she did hers too. We walked around and eventually got to the general library where my sister had to book a computer, then she could print some unofficial documents, in hope that the consulate would accept for the time being.

By the time we were done with the printing, it was twelve meaning that the consulate is closed. Shit, so my sister and I headed back to my uncle's shop to help him. Upon arrival, the shop was in a mess, and there weren't many pies in the warmer. It was quite chaotic. We helped out in making some sausage rolls and K did the selling, thus reducing workload on the pair.

We got back to the consulate at almost two. The wait was rediculous as it took us almost two hours until they called us. Anyway, the questioning wasn't that back. She just looked at our papers from bank, uni and then just told us to return tomorrow to collect the passies. AS for my cousin, his wasn't so smooth. He presented the same things to her but because of his status and his only recent stay in this country, there may or may not be a grant. It was a bummer to hear because the costs for the application wasn't cheap and no refund either.

We came back to the shop to finish off our help for the day. Uncle K needed to go shopping so he closed the place early. Uncle invited us, including Kem, to come to his house tonight to have hot pot. We of course said yes. Nowadays, we go anyplace that has free food really. We came up to the room first and then showered. Kem came to check out our room, and he said it looked cramped. True.

The next destination for us was the hardware store to collect the shelf. Then to uncle's place to have dinner. By then the time was 7;30, we eventually decided to go get some winter gear, preparing for the upcoming trip.

After that we dropped my cousin off, and then we got to the room to set up the shelf and tidy up the room.

Friday- nothing much sofar. I am only washing my clothes. Then I would have to leave for appointment with Alas, and then onto the consulate to pick our passies. Tonight would be the beginning of the ski trip.

Waiting in The Rain

I know it's not news worthy, nor it is blogworthy. But I just thought it was a nice change to my day. Yesterday I decided to remain in the house because I couldn't bear the thought of getting up. SO I remained in the house doing some copying for my sister, and had done some folding for myself. Then when two o'clock came, I wanted to bus to my sister's place. I thought I would come back with her, accompanying her so she wouldn't feel lonely. The problem was that the o had already put clothes in the washing machine, so I just figured I could delay my bus travel, and wait until the wash was done. I waited and waited, then it was done. I hung them on the lines and then headed out.

It was three then, and there were heaps of children on the bus.

It was around 4.15pm when the bus stopped at the place near K Road. I got off there because it was already 4 o'clock. If I went to the uni or the library for that matter, I would be very late for my sister. There was a dilemma to decide. SHould I have gone to my uncle K's shop via bussing, or walking? I thought I had plenty of time, so I decided to walk in the end.

I walked with sandles on. I didn't wear shoes thinking that the day was warm. But by four thirty, my feet were rediculously frozen. Nonetheless, I kept on walking on.

It was five-ish that I arrived at my uncle k's. I didn't see my sister's car. I thought to myself oh shit. I didn;t want to walk back to the bus and catch it back home. There wasn't any point for me to come here in the first place, then. I just thougth of negative things that popped in my head. I just didn;t want to walk any more.

The weather was getting darker. It was showing signs that it was going to rain. Then there was lightning. I decided instead of walking back to the bus in downtown, I would wait for the bus and catch it there. I went to wait under the bus shelter.

All of a sudden the rain started pouring down so dramatically. A lady came to the shelter. Then another lady stopped at the shelter. One more lady came running. She was soaking and her iphone was wet. The first and third ladies left when the rain slowed its pace. The second lady was with a bike. Apparently she was waiting for the bus as well, as she was heading to downtown. She would ask me for the time when the bus came. I didn't know, which I said to her.

Out of nowhere, my sister's car was uturning from what I saw. I thought for a moment that it wouldn't be her because she would have been home by then. The more I thought the more I didn't believe my eyes. The car was then stopping at the bus shelter, and now I realised my eyes weren't fooling me.

I got in and my sister asked me to ask the lady who was still waiting for the bus whether she wanted a ride. I told her that she got a bike with her, meaning we wouldn't be able to transport her with the bike, as the car couldn't fit it. The lady, instead, came to us and asked for a ride. Of course we gave her the ride, all the way to Queen St. The bike was left there, she said it was an old vehicle, so it didn;t matter about it getting stolen.

During the ride, we did discover some things about each other. Apparently the lady was studying at uni, majoring in Architecture. She was going overseas once she gets her degree. I told her about my studies, which weren't going according to what I had envisioned. She said I was going to do well, you know the nice thing that people would say to others. I wasn't convinced that she meant it.

We dropped her off at nearby Queen St. She thanked us and ran for shade. We then drove off.

I asked my sister about why was she coming back. Did she get home and then came back after not seeing me there? She said no. She said she waited for me at her car until five to five and then she decided to leave. She drove all the way to almost reach the motorway, and then just figured that she would come back for the final check. She would look at the walkpaths, in hope that I was walking, as she would expect me to do. She was looking at the bus stops with shelters. She was expecting that I would wait under them cause of the pouring rain. I couldn't believe this. My sister knew me so so well. It was like she could read my mind.

That is the story of how my sister had the same mind as me for the time that I couldn't bear to think about my own travelling in the night. I love her for her ways of being able to see what I see. It is the a good feeling to know that there is someone out there knowing me this well. Knowing this well to actually rescue me.

Two Day with Bro and His Wife

I got sick. I was going to my brother's butchery last Thursday. Upon my return to Auckland, I was feeling cold and drowsy. But I am surviving.

My brother called on my sis' phone telling her that he requested my attendance immediately. The girl who works there didn't turn up. To be honest, I didn't feel like going. I was already in this awkward state with them both, and their asking me to be there makes me feel really unease. But of course, I had to go.

The children were also sick . That day I thought I was going to look after them. Being asked to go to Hamilton ruined that plan. I packed my stuff, two bags and all. Then Kim and I left as she would normally, to pick Kem up, to drop him off at his school, and finally going to bus station. We however went to the wrong place to begin with and had to rush to the intercity terminal to make the 0930 bus. To make it to the bus, I got out of the bus when we stopped for the traffic light, and I took my backpack with me. I was planning to ask the bus driver to stop for me so I could get my other bag,

Upon reaching there, I asked the bus driver could I get on the bus? He gave me permission but I had to get my ticket inside the terminal. I did what was told, and then came to the bus to tell him that I needed only a few minutes. He said he would leave on time, so no. Shit, I was panicking. I saw my sister's car stopped at the other side of the road. I wanted to go there so bad, but I couldn't because then I would miss the bus. I couldn't wait for the next few hours, it would look bad with my brother asking to help him out and all. I had no choice but to go on the bus.

My sis would call me in 10 minutes, asking where I was. I informed her of the event that took place on the terminal, so she resumed her day as normal. As for me, I sat on the bus for the next two hours, half sleeping and half awake.

Once arrived, I immiediately walked to the nearby warehouse to purchase myself a vodafone topup as my phone was penniless. I called my brother that I arrived and he told me where to go to wait for him. I then called my sister, whom I had bestmated with, that I got there safely. The rest of the day was me at work, freezing my ass off. Somehow my brother's butchery is really really cold.

That night my bro and his wife took me to this Japanese restaurant. My head and body by then was all frozed up that I couldn't enjoy any of it. I tried to contain myself, not making the sickness to overwhelm the night. We ate, my brother and his wife were so nice and friendly. I felt awkward with them because of the past I shared with them. I wanted to apologise so so bad, but somehow my mouth couldn't produce words to resemble my thought. It was terrible. But the food was devine.

We came back home and I decided to head to bed immediately. I thought to myself that maybe I sleep early I could shake the sickness out.

For the night, I kept waking up. One at 0020, 0400, 0600. The times I woke and could return to sleep. It was terrible. In the morning I wished I could be at the apartment because by then my body was pounding with pain. Yet I knew I was required to go, and I did go.

My bro informed me about what to do at the shop if the girl returned to work. I would just stay outside and do the selling, while helping him do his accounting. I agreed.

It turned out, she did come. I did what was told, and stayed close to the front. The day was quiet. So was yesterday. There was a fieldday across town, so we figured that was the culprit. I couldn't do the accounting for my bro as the computer could recognise the software. I, instead, did it in the evening.

The shop was freeeeeeeeeeeezing. I couldn't stop shaking. My whole body was all paralysed by this intnesity of the coldness.

That is how I got sick. When I returned on Saturday, my body just couldn't handle the freezing experience I gained working for my bro.

Tuesdays and Sadness

I am reading this book called Tuesdays with Morrie. It is something that I saw on tv and thought it was interesting. I didn't go read it straight away. There was this panic attack that happened late November last year, and then until now I decided to give it a read. The panic was the same sentiment to the theme of the book. That is the reason I want to read it.

As I was reading the book, my heart went back to horror it was in November. I went to shower hopeing that it would erase abit, only it had worsened.

Earlier in the day, there was an argument between the pair whom I stayed with. The dudette came back to the apartment, and my mind ran wild for the whole day. THoughts like why am I here, there attitudes are childish being that they are running a legitimate business, only to throw away these for no significant reason. I fear the worst for them.

There was a selfish thought amongst the others. I wanted to quit then and there. Actually on Monday night that thought had entered my head. I walked to the bus station as they were in the argumentative state. I wanted to get on the bus, as it stopping at the station for temporarily rest stop. I wanted to get on it, just to be away from them, and ultimately from the life that I never wanted in the first place. What happened next was my stupidity running more wilder. I phoned my sister for advice.

In the end, we decided that the wisest thing is to tell them that I want out from two weeks from now. It is the mature thing to do, plus it would mean that my relationship with them is going to remain somewhat neutral. At least that's waht I thought.

When I mentioned about my quitting to the dude yesterday night on our way back from the shop, I said that I wanted to do travelling. It is not a lie, nor truthful either. It's just that i havent fully commited to my plan, or to any plan for that matter. The dude was somewhat casual about it. He said that he would find somebody to replace me, then I would leave., be it one week, one month from now.

THen I told him about his hard work. I was half way through it until he told me to remain silent. I thought he was thnking that I was reasoning with him about my quitting. I didn't correct him though.

So when I got to the apartment tonight, the dudette wasn't there. The room was dark, the dude went to shower as he would normally do. I was in my room, awaiting for my turn, plus reading the book. By then I had read to the part that mentioned inevitability of one thing that dreads me badly, to the point that I coulldn't function for many many days. It saddened me.

The night improved when I came out to have dinner. I cooked three eggs for myself only, didn't speak with the dude. I watched tv as I was eating. He then went inside to sleep.

For one hour later, the dudette came back. I wasn't looking at her, she wasn't at me, I just continued with watching tv. A moment of awkwardness, a lack of knowledge of each others' existence left weakened. I thought I was better than that. But evidently, not so much.

So what is the event that I am telling got to do with the book?

The book is ultimately about life, love and other touchy feely stuffs. The couple on the other hand is doing their best portraying a life that is dying slowly like the professor in the book, with ASL. Only thing they don't know it, because they are obliviously to living to expectations of others.

I feel sad to witness it live and alive in front of my eyes and not doing anything to stop it.

Bowling Night

Last night was fun. We went to bowling for the very first time. My sister had this intention to go for a very long time, and last night was our first time ever being there. She invited my three cousins UL, UY and Kem. She also invited her friend SL and her fake boyfriend Ralf. The night was full of fun.

We had dinner first at the nearby Vietnamese restaurant where the service was terrible. Nonetheless we did have a good dinner. Kem went to pay for all of us without us realising it. We of course in return paid for the bowling which we later went to.

The charge for the bowling games were $19.50 per person. There were two games. We had a bet that who ever would win gets two dollars per game. It was a fun experience, and we definitely would want to return for this reason. In the end, UY won both games. She was consistent in her games.

The night then went on and we got to the arcade to play shoot hoops. Good fun. Again the girl won many games that we played with her. I think she had been there many times before. Then it was probably she got skills. LOl.

Night came to the end at around 11.30pm. It was good fun. K is now planning for another activity that we could all do again in two weeks.

Casino

Last night was really fun. Most fun I have had in a while. It was the night that we went out to the casino. My first, my sister's first, for my two cousins, it was their second, as well as my sister's friend SL. It was my sister's idea to invite them to go out and it was a success in my opinion.

At seven in the evening, we got out of the house, leaving Jord and Jude having dinner with their family. On my way out, I learned that the O had cooked little rice for the whole so Jude was trying to scoop alot for her dad, leaving little for the rest. I thought she was being funny, and it was adorable of her doing this scooping thing. We headed for my cousins' house. From this day forth, my cousins' names will be abbreviated to UL and Kem.

We got to their houses, and we eventually left the house within the next few minutes. Once out, we drove to the city to pick another person, SL. K was the driver. She talked the most, asking so many questions, including one that was about going to skiing in the coming winter months. We all agreed to go when we got free time. We reached there in about twenty minutes, called SL to come out and then finally drove to the restaurant where all of us were hungry.

The restaurant was Italian, and K and I had been on many occasions. We ordered tow pizzas, of which both were halved by different toppings. For the main, we got either pastas or lasagnas. It was good, for me, but I thought the others weren't so keen.

The restaurant was chosen because my sister and I had been there and loved their food. For more, it was close to the Sky Tower, where we would eventually settle after the meal.

We got inside the casino. My first impression was that it looked chaotic with many people just comcentrating on the tables they were at. It was not my ideal place to be. But we got the initial nerve calmed down when my sister tried to exchange the cash she got into chips. We went to the cashier, and were given small change instead of the chips. K talked to this dealer and got the information that you can just change the money at any table.

In the midst of the chaos, we managed to get our heads to playing the games. I played the bacarrat, and lost twenty, whereas my sis lost thirty. SL lost $27, seven dollars were spent on the slot machine. UL lost a hundred, the most lost out of all of us. Kem on the other hand, had won $100, so he canceled out UL's losings.

WE saw UL's parents there playing blackjack with this uncle. It was funny seeing them there. They looked like little kids being there. TO me anyway.

We walked about after the casino. We headed to this night club, but no we didn't go in. Kem didn't have his ID.

WE went to have ice cream. Then headed home. By then, the time was 12.20!!!

Excuse the abrupt ending of the post. I have to go have dinner!! hehe

Thievery

Happy Easter Holiday! For me it's particularly nice to have the long break. The butchery has been talking a big toll on me both physically and mentally. For the physical part, it is mainly about the lack of sleep that is taking away my enjoyment working at the shop. Mentally though, it's actually worse off. For the most parts, it's due to that my mind is not used to being this busy. I do the thinking and fantasing alot, especially about my sad mundane life. It's not doing well.

I have another disturbing thing that occurred at the shop. It is two days ago, on the Thursday, the time was almost when we were going to close. This chick came into the shop, wearing hoodies and was barefoot. She was walking around the shop, one hand carrying the basket while looking to shop. Dani, the girl who i work with, talked to her casually. They were chatting casually, which made me thought that the girl was a regular. I don't know, that was the impression that I got from the way they spoke.

The chick then told Dani that there was a tear in a bag. Dani put it aside on the bench. She then proceed to sell to other people. I was there, didn't think twice about what the bag was telling me. She was in fact trying to distract Dani, because she was going to steal. She thought by having Dani take the bag to the back, and have me not knowing what to do, she could get out of the shop unnoticed, or at least could get away with it.

Dani then told me that she would leave to fix the torn stuff. I said ok. She left and I then walked to the chicken area, then the next thing I heard the bell went ding. I didn't turn to see what was happening, only thought that the bell was just signalling someone was entering the shop. Dani came out screaming to me where was the chick. I replied don't know, that was when I figured the chick had gotten out with the basket containing at least goods over a hundred dollars. Shit, I was really angry and shaking at the same time. It was under my watch and yet I should have known the girl was going to do this. The signs were there; the hood, the barefoot, and her distractions, plus she was hanging around door area. I should've known!!

Then what's worse was my brother's constant shouting. Or lecturing in a high tonal sound. It was really aggravating when you already knew there wasn't anything you could do or say to change the outcome. I was especially angry at myself. I hated that I could have prevented the thievery if I looked up when the bell sounded and could have chased after her. But nope, my head was that stupid.

So yep, that was my first time that something like this occurred to me. I mean I have seen people stole from my before, but those were under a different circumstance. Those were in a bakery where you don't really see the true impact. In this instance, I saw it on the videotape, and it was evident she took the goods under my watch, under my supposedly supervision of the shop. The good part coming out of this, according to my sis, is that now I learned to carefully watch people, anybody.

Moving to a different topic. Last night we visited Auckland. The three of us traveled there around 10 in the morning, had yum char, and partied at my uncle v's place. It was hell fun over there, so i was saddened to return to this place. Anyway, we'd be going back up tomorrow for my aunt Soph's housewarming party.

Updating For the Last Two Weeks

This week has been bad so far. The worst thing for me was yesterday's tragic accident involving my oversized feet and my glasses. Yes all the newspapers in the world have reported of its end, my glasses. i stepped on my glasses, and it is all snapped in half...55555

Ok stop being so dramatic. All I have to do is go through the week without those goggles. I hate to admit it but it's gonna be hard since I don't see well, and working here requires good vision for when I need to pack stuff. I will get through it...

My session with was mixed. I don't know, like, at the end of the session, Brige said that she had figured out my problem. My root problem. What she meant was that she had been trying to see the core problem because when I talk about my family's issues, she just doesn't what is causing these problems. Now she discovers that my root issue is regarding the lack of belonging to a group, that is the sad story of my life. She continued that she wanted to know where I feel most belonged to, which I said that I don't. Neither the groups she presented was my sense of belonging felt most connected to. The sad part was that I actually felt that both groups have rejected one way or another. So she now knows why I have been feeling the way I am feeling...or so her belief.

I don't know. I feel like that was part of my problem. Not now. I was feeling quite rejected when I was younger, by both cultures that I grew up with. At one stage all i could think about was changing my face to fit in with them, which now I don't feel anymore. So I think the problem in pertaining to my lacking sense of belonging is one that was the past. Now I have problems dealing with the future. That is what I think is the core issue.

I will tell her that when I see her again in two weeks' time.

I want to get my sister a job in the lab. She has been searching for a job for sometime now. Actually since the time I moved here. There was an occasion that she was invited back to see the people. The job was some sort of marketing related work. She went there on a Tuesday two weeks ago, and she was called back the next day for a trial. So she did return the following day to only discover that she was going doors to doors to convert people to Contact, the energy company. It was exhausting she said, and it was commissioned pay. In the end she didn't get it because it was her inclusiveness that let her down.

Time to Work On Work

the time is 10.04pm. Still waiting. I have done some research for the remote control device. It is interesting to note that the earlier remote controls had only a few buttons, and they were without the numbers.

Anyway, I want to develop a remote control that beeps when you want to look for it. Better yet, I want to create a mechanism for the remote to sound when it hears the word find remote. I think it would be cool. Well, it is only cool if like myself am clumsy. To make money off something you also need is pretty awesome.

Another thing that I wanted to do is have my own t-shirt company. Like I had mentioned in earlier regarding my own business, I want it to be a part time job, meaning that i would only tend to it after hours of my real job/schooling time. Also, I only want it to be an online business because for the time being I don't have the money to rent out a physical space. I don't think i could do that when there are so many things i haven't acquired in order to have the business running. So it would be interesting to see where I am going to go with this venture.

For some time I have been delaying the opening up my own online site for the t-shirt business. This is due to my indecisiveness over the name of it. I know, this sounds really bad being that it is the first and probably the most crucial task, and I am doing the best imitation of a failing business. So all I know is that I want the name to have personal meaning and must include my sister's personality in it. She must be included in the thought process, and must agree. I want her to be part of some my mini empire and she be the queen.

One more thing that i want to do is to get into the study of gerontology. Part of the reason going into this is my own fair. I know it is natural for all of us, as it naturally occurs in the quiet sense, but I don't accept that it should be the ultimate course everyone must take. It's crazy but crazy is what makes the world spin.

Going Home is Not Meant To Be

I am now stuck in the butchery for at least another three hours. Why? I didn't even know about it when at ten minutes to six this evening a couple of dudes came to the shop. Apparently they were hired to do some fixings within the shop. Things like lighting, and some shelves. So I am stuck here until these people are done, which may seem like forever now.

My sister called around five o'clock informing of the late bus that i was going to catch to Auckland tonight. Because I can't stay there on Saturday, I had planned that I would migrate tonight, so then I wouldn't have to do it the next morning taking time off the amount I could spend with the kids and my sister. She said that the bus was leaving at 6.15pm, meaning I wouldn't be able to make it if I remained here until the shop closed. So K suggested that she would come here via her car. I was quite hesitant, and I wanted to catch the bus myself, disallowing her to drive a long distance. In the end I hesitantly agreed that she was the one who would drive here.

So our plan was set, then only came to a destruction with the sight of the two builders. Now my sister is angry, so am I. I wanted to leave HAMY so bad. I just want to be with the kids tonight. Instead I have to resort to staying here until those people finish, which is never a good thing.

K is now at home, showered and ate dinner. She texted me about it.

Waiting for The Cleaner, Passed For Learners

I have not blogged for awhile now. This is due to me working in a faraway land. I don't absolute hate it, but I do find hatred in the work that I am doing. Ok I am not making any sense. I'm just too tire to care.

For the last few weeks, I witnessed so many anger in just a short amount of time. Since I came here three weeks ago, there had been at least one or near one confrontation between the couple that I am working for. They just don't get that their actions are just a shameful thing for anybody to see, yet they do this on the wide open space. Well, actually it's mainly the car and the apartment, where I would probably be nearby.

Last Friday I went back to Auckland an overnight stay. The main reason was to see my little kids, my sister, and then there is Bridge. I canceled her three times before, so when I made the Friday appointment, I must keep this one. Coincidentally, I also had another appointment with Andy, who by the way, was more forthcoming with me this time. He said he had been to a seminar, and he wanted to have a new approach to our meetings. We would now have goals to achieve on each appointment.

As for Bridge, we talked about stuff particular on the my concerns. Aging. That's all I am going to cover on that topic.

I was elated to see the kids again after a long absence. They are as cute and as annoying as ever. I still love them. So MUCH. Jord gave me a rocket ship made from containers. It was just great.

Oh I almost forgot. I got my learners last Friday. As soon as I got off the bus, I immediately went to the bank to ask for my bank statement. I needed it for the application. I headed to AA, and then sat the test. It was quite simple. There were a few heck ups with the questions but ultimately I passed with only two questions being incorrect. So now my sister said she would let me drive her car, only she is present as well. DOH.

So right now I am sitting here waiting for ,my brother to return. He went to drop his wife off at the apartment so she could cook while I am waiting for this cleaner to do his job. I don't know why we have to be here when the cleaning is being done, I mean the guy seems trustworthy. My brother is cynical, yeah.

Enlightenment

I have canceled my appointment with Brige for this coming Monday session. I will be starting at the job with my brother during this time, so that is the reason I am canceling the appointment. In the beginning my sister insisted that I should be returning to Auckland so I could see Brige, but that is not the wise decision.

About my previous session with her, we were talking about change. I was telling her that I hate change. That is the reason why I don't want things to move forward, just have them in stationary as long as possible. We then talked about if I had returned to Cambo, because there is a chance that I haven't had closure to the dramatic change that was the move to this country.

The conversation further conclude on the point of change, how it is necessary for life to continue in the manor that it builds on who you are. I told her that I wanted to become a gerontologist in hope to develop anti-aging medicinal pill. Brige on the other hand had believed that by having such thing, lives would be stopped, meaning that you won't gain new life experiences as a result. I rebutted with her saying that the pill would allow people to remain where they are and still have experiences. The undirected result from the pill would be stopping death itself. She doesn't agree, so that we left it at that.

Anyway, the whole time we talked about the change that every person on the face of the planet faces, was actually quite enlightening. I felt shadowed by my own dark thoughts, and in a way, it made me feel that I don't like the way life is dictating you. In the way that God had made people born in this world of uncertainty, the way that we are born to develop these relationships with our loved ones and have that be stripped away from us, is cruel. I don't understand or comprehend the thinking of such a life design. So by speaking to Brige on these topics, she had opened my mind that I am not alone in asking these questions. There have been many many philosophers who have dealt with the same mentality, in reasoning why are we here. They all came to the conclusion in varying degree of their own enlightenment, so I will find my own niche eventually.

Hope she is right, because right now I am as confused as ever.

Blogging From The New Apartment

This morning was a momentous occasion. It was finally the day that I moved out of the house. Well, technically, I haven't moved out because I will back and forth as I go there to see my sister, who still resides there. My brother was going to bring me here yesterday, but yesterday we were busy and were kinda late to drive an hour to this apartment. So we delayed the trip to this morning.

I just unpacked my stuff, and it looks alright. Not much to unpack by the way, the things I did pack were because of my sister. She insisted that I should have my own washings so I bought the body and hair wash, perfume, etc. The funny thing is that I am not staying here permanently, only remaining here to help out my brother and his wife. I would be returning to AKLD when the school begin, which is in July.

My sister is currently looking for work. She called me this morning to inform me that she had found one vacancy at the winery. The work involves shelving, packing, etc. I don't want her to work in such place as I see it being boring, and not suitable to her liking. The pay my sister said, is reasonable. So I don't know aye.

Then she called again saying that she had applied for this work in Ponson. It is copying job for Fuji. So yea.

Right now I am feeling a bit sad. Actually a lot sad. I miss my sister already. When she called for the second time, I hadn't seen her in about 3-4 hours. I was happy to hear from her again. Am i that sensitive?

She said she would be coming when she gets accepted for a job. She would be visiting, maybe with the children for one weekend. So I think it would be interesting to see her again.

This Week's Big Events

A lot of things happened this week. And, it's only Thursday. I have been really busy lately, so I won't go into details of the events that took place. I will write more on those events when I get the chance to.

1. I went to see Brige on Monday night at 6. The topic was change and life and death. My hate for change.
2. Earlier in the week, we went to the car dealer to check out the car. For two days straight we checked the car but it wasn't done. Tuesday was a waste of time being that the car dealer promised it would done by 11am but upon our arrival, the car was still in the cleaning process. We went to have lunch at the Try it Out restaurant, and when we got back, we waited some more for the car. My brother entered their garage to check and tell them what to do, and still they weren't finished. Around one hour later he returned to the car, where we waited endlessly in there. L was also present, so you could feel the tension as she was fuming to get out of there as soon as possible.
   Anyway, the paint work wasn't done in the proper manner, so Ken suggested to them that he would come back on Friday. So we left there disappointed.
3. Ken and his wife left for their new apartment on Tuesday afternoon straight after the long wait inside the car at the dealership. K wanted to go to the library to pick up some books, so she asked my brother to drop us off at Manu City Centre. Once there, we came out of the car and walked to the library.
   I was going to go to the National Bank to get my bank account set up properly. The bank was closed. We bused home.
4. On Wednesday was an adventure. We properly spent majority of the day sitting in public transport buses and train. The charges for these rides were so much that it could serve me and my sister one big meal at a restaurant.
   We planned to go to Manuwa, to see a JP. So we took the bus to Manukau, then transfer to Manuwa.
   The plan came to fruition. The problem was the money issue. I couldn't understand why the high charge for using public transport. The govt wants people to use as much as public transport, so why the hell they charge us so much for using something deemed good for the environment over the use of private cars.
   Anyway, when we reached Manuwa, the JP there was absent. Apparently they close on Wednesdays. We couldn't get the copies certified, so I kinda pushed my sister to go to the city via the train. I wanted to enrolled to AU as fast as possible before I went to Hamy. My sister agreed and we got on the train, which was just arriving. The fare for this ride was six dollars per person, which was again so dear.
   Arrived at Brito station, we walked to find the clock tower. For ten minutes or so, we searched until we got to the destination. We had the people copied our documents and officially we enrolled for the school.
   We wondered around the uni ground for some time to find JP there, so I could certify the copied papers. I still wanted some certified copies so I could enroll at the Otag U. For this reason we walked in search of the JP in the IT place. The JP was absent.
   Bused home directly from the uni ground, the charge was $6.80 each person. We sat on the bus for the next hour and fifteen minutes.
5. Today we waited for my brother and his wife who were coming from Hamy. They came for our sake, because the dealer had called him to check on the car. It was finally completed the cleanup and some touch up. He arrived at around 2.30pm. For some time at the dealership, we even had an around town test drive, the car was finally settled. It was finally completed to the satisfaction of my brother. K was ok with it, and as for me, not really. They promised NEW tires, NEW rims, the complete package. The promise wasn't up to the standard. I am happy for this reason. But despite my concern the breach of the promises, my brother was satisfied which spoke for the rest of us. We gave them the money, they changed the ownership's name of the car in exchange, thus the car is officially K's.
   My sister is very happy with it. Her first car.

I will write more on these topics. I am packing for tomorrow's move to Hamy. I will blog from there the next time I write.

First Time On the Bus

Yesterday was the first time that Jude went on the public bus. I thought the kids never went on the bus, but apparently Jord had been on it before with my sister. The reason for going on the bus was that we were heading to the library and we didn't have a car. It was good time.

My brother called early in the morning because he wanted me to go with him to Hamilton. He was going to ask his other brother in law to help him move the stuff, in the fish van, but he was busy with going to seek for a car for his sister, so I am the opportunity cost. When he called, I was still snoozing, so I couldn't pick the phone up. My sister did and she came to inform while I was in a daze that he needed to go with him. I said yeah, yeah, but I would get up at 1030am. When I woke up, sis changed her mind and said she'd be the one to leave with my bro, while I remained at the house to look after the kids.

I didn't agree with it, but despite my protest, my sister still went out anyway. I had breakfast and played beyblade stuff with the kids, in particular who was in the mood to beat me. I was winning because I used a strong beyblade. Eventually I decided that I would take the kids to the library via bus and I thought it would be cool for them to ride on the bus for the very first time. I cooked lunch in anticipation to have them prepared to go out.

We had rice with the duck meat leftover from last night. We ate it taking us thirty minutes. Eventually I took them out for the 1255pm bus. The children were excited. i asked if they had been on the bus before, and the girl said that she has but only on the school bus. The boy, however, said that he had been on it with my sister. I thought he was kidding but my sister confirmed this later. The bus was prompt.

ON the bus the kids both wanted to be seated next to the window, so I had them sat at the place with four seats are facing each other. There they moved around. I even brought out my Ipod to take pictures of their excitement being on the bus. It was good experience to share with them.

The kids in unison pressed the stop button, and we got off at the shopping centre. We walked to the library. The boy thought he was going to the Manukau library, then he decided he didn't like the place. I said every library is somewhat similar. They are not that different. We stayed there and borrow a book each. I used my new library card for which I am happy to do.

Walked around the mall, we went to this cheap store, the warehouse, Farmers, in search for Mighty Beans. The kids are now collecting them, so I wanted to get something they would like. All stores we went to all sold out the product, something I found to be strange. I couldn't help but thought that probably they just didn't stock them anymore.

We had McDonald's snacks, and came back home on the bus. We got home, and my sister returned also from the moving only forty minutes or so.

So the day was cool. The children were so excited about getting on the bus, especially Jude's first time riding on it. The joy on their faces couldn't be more real and so delightful. It was just a good day.

Moving To the New Apartment

Today is the moving day. My brother and his wife are officially moving to hamilton today. We helped them shift when we also tagged along. It was a productive in that we did some cleaning in the new apartment.

The apartment is located at CBD, right over the main shops. There are two bedrooms, with a sizable kitchen and quite large living area. It was good.

We arrived at the place where there was a gate blocking the entrance to the garage of the apartment. L and ken were figuring out how to get in. Then, they called the real estate people, to which they learned that they have to dial to the security number and the gate would automatically open. They did just that. Next we were trying to suss out about the keys and stuff to get to the third floor, thus the apartment itself. Eventually the sussing out was done and we carried on with moving in the things.

We cleaned for one or two hours. The cleaning was done predominantly in the kitchen because that was the area that wasn't properly cleaned by the people. We did it to ensure the cleanliness in the place where we cook. It did quite awhile but in the end you could feel secure.

We had to go shopping for some things for the new apartment that include dish drainer. We did the shopping for quite some time. Actually it had taken us longer than expected. The shopping mall that we went to looked similar to any one of the malls we have in Auckland. I don't mean to snarl it, but it looked similar and there wasn't much to do over there. It was quite boring and generic shopping mall.

The only thing I thought was good was the ceiling. It was a high skyline ceiling which made the place very spacious. It made you feel engulfed by the size of it, but at the same time it looked different. So that is a plus.

We returned to the apartment to drop off the goods. We then returned home to have KFC with L's brother and sister. Her parents were at a wedding. The dinner was awkward. There was this dead silence which could actually murder you. Ok, it wasn't that bad, but it was close to.

Eventually we returned to the house. During the ride home, my brother asked for our final choice on whether to remain in the house or to go live with him. My choice is undecided, being that the children is my primary reason to stay. But I do realise that I want to have my freedom. So it was not a good thing either way, whether to stay or go. In the end, I think I would have to go, despite my concern for the children. My brother shared his view on this, and he said that he would like me to help him out at the butchery. I have to concern about myself, not the kids. They have their parents for that. I know that, but I don't believe the parents have the best of interest for their very own little kiddies. So that is also a concern for me.

We have made it to the house. We called it a night and tomorrow we don't have to go with him as he will be driving his father in law's fish van. I am glad to not go because I wanted to spend the day with kids.

I Got My Number

I got my IRD number today. I didn't expect it today as the person who submitted my case said it would take at least four days due to the larger than expected number of applications these days. So when they called my sister, we were at the Warehouse looking for furniture. I wasn't in the know when it happened. My sister spoke with the IRD people who asked her for the personal details to confirm who she was. Then the person revealed to my sister that she called because she has completed our application which now she could tell of the number. So my sister excitedly took down the number. She then asked about my case, which the person said she hadn't done it yet. Once she has, she would call back on her phone number.

In about one hour later, I received a phone call from the person. I was on my way to Ken's place. The call was similar to what my sister encountered. The person asked for my personal information, something I gave, then she told me about my number. I took it down, writing it on a newspaper nearby. It was quick. We were done in less than two minutes.

So now what? The question begs so much action. I want to begin schooling first of all. Above everything I want to start my education. I haven't been at it for some time, so it is definitely on the top of the list of things to do once I got my number. After that, I will slowly figure things out from there. Whether to remain in the house with my aunt and uncle, or move to Hamilton with my brother. If they let me stay there to work for them, then I got to go there. But school could be the problem then. We'll see how my school application went to truly know my fate for the next few months.

For now, I am going to bed.

Tantrum Over Carseat

Why does this family love to fight each other so bad? They are at it with one another and so pretentious when they are dealing with other people.

Well this morning was another one of those examples of those fights. The girl and the boy were eyeing for the front passenger seat. They were about to go to school when the boy decidedly took the front seat. The girl then went bananas, threatening not to go to school. The mum tried to compromise with her, which didn't help. She then threw this big ass tantrum. The whole ordeal was 10-20 minutes in length.

My sister couldn't stand it and she tried to intervene. She said then the girl would stay home, and the girl rudely yelled at her saying that she is F$%^king lazy. What? Now the girl is using the f word.

The whole scene came to a stop when the mum started the car engine, threatening to leave with her or without. She started crying historically, which then she succumbed to the pressure and got on the backseat.

So the whole scene was about basically nothing. The girl was very stubborn and should get a punishment for that tantrum. Since their return from the vacation, the two have become tiny devils. The boy had lost a tooth the other day. I didn't know it until I saw it. Shit. I wasn't happy when I learned of the news, nor am I am happy about it. I think the mum should've done something to help out with the tooth. He's losing another one, it seems. The worst parents in the face of the planet.