Tuesdays and Sadness

I am reading this book called Tuesdays with Morrie. It is something that I saw on tv and thought it was interesting. I didn't go read it straight away. There was this panic attack that happened late November last year, and then until now I decided to give it a read. The panic was the same sentiment to the theme of the book. That is the reason I want to read it.

As I was reading the book, my heart went back to horror it was in November. I went to shower hopeing that it would erase abit, only it had worsened.

Earlier in the day, there was an argument between the pair whom I stayed with. The dudette came back to the apartment, and my mind ran wild for the whole day. THoughts like why am I here, there attitudes are childish being that they are running a legitimate business, only to throw away these for no significant reason. I fear the worst for them.

There was a selfish thought amongst the others. I wanted to quit then and there. Actually on Monday night that thought had entered my head. I walked to the bus station as they were in the argumentative state. I wanted to get on the bus, as it stopping at the station for temporarily rest stop. I wanted to get on it, just to be away from them, and ultimately from the life that I never wanted in the first place. What happened next was my stupidity running more wilder. I phoned my sister for advice.

In the end, we decided that the wisest thing is to tell them that I want out from two weeks from now. It is the mature thing to do, plus it would mean that my relationship with them is going to remain somewhat neutral. At least that's waht I thought.

When I mentioned about my quitting to the dude yesterday night on our way back from the shop, I said that I wanted to do travelling. It is not a lie, nor truthful either. It's just that i havent fully commited to my plan, or to any plan for that matter. The dude was somewhat casual about it. He said that he would find somebody to replace me, then I would leave., be it one week, one month from now.

THen I told him about his hard work. I was half way through it until he told me to remain silent. I thought he was thnking that I was reasoning with him about my quitting. I didn't correct him though.

So when I got to the apartment tonight, the dudette wasn't there. The room was dark, the dude went to shower as he would normally do. I was in my room, awaiting for my turn, plus reading the book. By then I had read to the part that mentioned inevitability of one thing that dreads me badly, to the point that I coulldn't function for many many days. It saddened me.

The night improved when I came out to have dinner. I cooked three eggs for myself only, didn't speak with the dude. I watched tv as I was eating. He then went inside to sleep.

For one hour later, the dudette came back. I wasn't looking at her, she wasn't at me, I just continued with watching tv. A moment of awkwardness, a lack of knowledge of each others' existence left weakened. I thought I was better than that. But evidently, not so much.

So what is the event that I am telling got to do with the book?

The book is ultimately about life, love and other touchy feely stuffs. The couple on the other hand is doing their best portraying a life that is dying slowly like the professor in the book, with ASL. Only thing they don't know it, because they are obliviously to living to expectations of others.

I feel sad to witness it live and alive in front of my eyes and not doing anything to stop it.