Night

Just brushed Jo's teeth and read to him before he went to bed. K stays with him until he falls to sleep. Now, am watching Survivor Season Finale. Having read to Jo just before made me feel like a human again after this whole craziness that was the last few weeks. It felt good because there was subtlety in the atmosphere finally in the midst of everything. It was just a good feeling to get back finally.

Unusual Behaviour

Ever since they returned from their vacation, the douche bag has been going to sleep very early. He and his wife now go to bed around 8.30 which is very unusual. Before this phenomenon, they often than not slept around 10. I noticed this new trend on the second day and asked K what is the deal with it. She thought that they wanted to get better quality of life because sleep is good for the health. The douche bag, in particular, was concerned about his hear issue prior to the vacation, and now he is deep in that thought process. So there you go- the douche bag sees that he has health issue and he forces others, his wife and daughter, to follow his lead. Quite a dictatorship he's got going on here, I'd say. Nevertheless, it is not a problem for me. I like it since I can come out to get some air, watching TV outside.

Oh, one more thing about the unusual circumstance upon their return. Today, the douche bag had K return the Sky TV machine because he doesn't want to consume much tv nowadays. Who would've thought? It's like somebody's taken the old douche bag when he was on his vacation and the one we're stuck with now is somebody new. He goes to bed early and doesn't want to watch much. It's getting real creepy.

Birthday II

So it turned out the cake was indeed for me. Kim had planned this 'party' for my twenty first birthday. She even bought this corny candle for the cake and had gone beyond anything to have twenty one cherries to symbolise the 'cherish years of my life thus far', according the planner herself. She went further by giving me three presents, one is a can of three tennis ball, another is an amethyst necklace to help me with my trouble, and the last is this beautiful compass which represents my interest of travel. My bro was of course, as I had mentioned in an earlier post, present at the 'party'. He was in on it too. There was nothing really special after we had the cake. We just continued the day as any other.

Later I asked K, did she invite Ken to come or was it his idea? She replied that she asked him. I felt embarrassed hearing this, because I knew he'd think I am some sort of a birthday hag. It is funny in some way, but total humiliation if you were the victim.

Moving away from the birthday for a minute. Right now I feel depressed. I feel like wanting to kill myself. This is the day after my birthday. Shouldn't I be happy about my special day? Why do I feel this way on the day most people would be glad to have? The day is irrelevant to my emotion. This morning I looked in the mirror, and what is reflected is very haunting in the least. I never liked what I see in my reflection. Yet, I can't resist the urge to stare. It always gets to me.

Birthday

Monday is upon us again. This day is special, or not, because I turn 21 today. K acted unusually secretive this morning when she took off for awhile to get this cake. She never told me whose the cake is for, but you know it is for moi. She said when my big bro arrives she would then tell me. It is pretty obvious, so I don't understand the ambiguity.

Now the time is 11.39am and she still hasn't told me about she has install for the day. Big bro fixed this computer so now I am using it to blog this post. It is kinda slower than the desktop I normally use. It is good though. Never thought I'd use it again after the internet on his com was killed by me. The resurrection is awesome. I guess I can't keep this comp as K probably need it more than me. Her laptop is sick at the moment, and she wants a new one anyway. Since I already have one comp, I can't keep this to myself when my sister needs it.

Sunday

For the last few days were consisting of some ranting to my sister. I wasn't in the mood at all. This of course was the result of the tragedy that occurred earlier in the week that I experienced. Now apparently, everybody in my immediate family knows about the explosive moment. Even my dad, who lives in an antipodent country tries to educate me about the consequences. My brother in oz knows about it because on the night of the incident, I informed him for some releases of the pain. My dad eventually learned about it when my brother told him, in pursuing for some advice as well. So what will happen from now on? The answer is still the same, which is unknown. My bro here, who lives near us, told me this morning when he came to visit (more on this later) that I should stay in this hole, despite the struggle for a few months. He is looking for a business and when he finds one, he will situate us there with him and his wife. I find some trouble in what he said. For one, who knows how long it will take for him to find it, and to further reinforce it he has been searching for a business for over a year now. It might not happen. Second, he has his wife to take care. Therefore, I would feel really guilty if he neglects his wife for us. She wouldn't be happy about it either. So I don't want to be the obstruction to their happiness. I don't know what to do. That is, what actions I should take to escape this hellhole. SHould I listen to him because it is the sensible thing to do? Or should I just leave now? To end the misery this instant. I don't know.

Anyway, today was a pretty good, in comparison to most days in this house. I woke up to hear the triumvirate of my grams and the twins were coming to have dinner over here. My sister would have to get her here so she could prepare the meal. Ken had called also immediately after the call we received from grams to tell us that he would like to take us out to yumcha for lunch. Of course, I was glad in hearing these news, because my grams' visit would ease the awkward environment at least for tonight, and my bro taking us to lunch would mean we would have something to do to occupy some of our time. Free lunch is obviously a good thing too.

Ken stayed after the luncheon and he helped me fixing my computer. My laptop needed this wireless device to work with the modem. Almost three, he and his wife left.

Evening came with the douche bag and his wife and daughter. I resorted to staying in here until dinner. THe rest of the night was somewhat the same as per usual. Considering most days nowadays have me angry, but today was an exception was considered to be a pretty decent day for me.

Boom!

Yesterday was another enormous explosion among the many to come. I made the wrong decision when I felt like I should do some preparation for the children as they are facing the return to school just under two weeks. I wanted to get Ju prepared for her piano lessons by prepping her some pieces before going back to her teacher early Feb. That was when the crucial and eroneous decision was made. She was acting way stubborn. Her father wasn't a help either. He was the catalyst to the whole blast as he was underminding me without realising the consequences of his action, which was to disturb me while I was giving her lesson. I made a bad judgement and in that moment of anger that had engulfed my entire body, I tore the most excruciating tear to her piano textbook. I know of my wrong doing, since she is, afterall, a child. Her face, though, at the time I was trying my hardest to convey my teaching to her, was as ever unsympathetic. She was really struck on my nerves. I shouldn't've gone on to do such a thing, which I know realise was a mistake. Should I go to apologise to her, but she will be smug if she hears my apology? She will continue to repeat herself if she get it? One thing I know for sure, right now, is that I don't want to speak to her. I want to get her image out of my head for the time being, to cool myself down.

So after the explosion had been designated by me, I was really done. I didn't want to do anything anymore. I wanted out. Just wanted to become a sane person again. I was fed with everything- the children, the fucking oppression that I am continuing to experience, the empty life. K and I had talked about it. I should leave this place. I will have to find some other place for shelter, despite the restraints we will be dealing with. Money is the big priority. The biggest compromise is the situation that we are currently under reviewing. I can't say it because it is sensitive. It is our biggest drawback and I lay all of our recent issues on my mum, who was responsible for most of these bad occurences in our lives. At times in the night I just feel like wanting to harm somebody to reciprocate the trauma in which I first-hand dragged through. That thought is only a thought though- it was never put into action because I know I am a better person than that. K had said that she wanted me to move away in the wake that I can't control my anger. I don't know how it will pan out in the next couple of weeks, but I will say that I will dramatically make a difference in my life. There will be change.

For the time being, I think I will become more snobby to everybody in this house. Ignore the kids' rambuctuous behaviour, forget about the stupidity of these people. Don't think about anything of them, focus more on myself. That way, these explosions can be avoided.

BBQ At Ken's

Last time I mentioned that today we, K plus the kids and me, would go to Ken's house for a BBQ. He bought this new bbq set, worth $28, and he wanted to test it out. I, for once was happy in the event that we were going somewhere other than Gram's place. It was a good opportunity for me to pack some pounds. The kids were also excited about going there, as they prepared pretty early to go. The invitation was 11am and so we did leave on that time.

When we reached there, we were greeted by Ken himself since everybody else in the house were still asleep. I was really at first nervous about our intrusion because apparently Ken's wife didn't want to be disturbed since she had the door locked. We knew this because her sister came down asking Ken where was his wife. She asked did his wife lock herself in the grand bedroom because the door there was locked and apparently everywhere else there was no sight of her. In hearing this, we assumed she was inside there. I took this as a sign that she didn't want us to be there. That was the reason for her trying to evade our presence. But Ken was kind enough to kick start the bbq without his wife which had made the scene, at least for me, a little less awkward.

The new bbq set was indeed reflected by its price. It looked small in size. Ken, on the other hand, was really enthused by his new 'toy' because he kept boasting about the tiny equipment can feed at grown people. I, for some reason, didn't see it his way. If it was to feed that many people, we would have to allow 10 years for it to cook completely for everyone. Of course, I didn't rebutt to his boast.

It took Ken 1 1/2 hour to get the fire going. He placed cahrcoal onto the bbq and set fire to it outside in the backyard. But because of the wind and some other factors, the fire wasn't burning. The fire did, however, eventuate the proceeding to the cooking of the meats. There was so much meats, ranging from chicken, lamb to meat on stick. Ken's wife had made her specialty dish which was tossed pastor and potatoes as well. After awhile everything was done cooking and we consumed the feast. Ken and his wife's siblings were present also, in which the foods were being eaten up in a rapid speed. But two, we rested for some time, eventually resorted to the inside. Cleaning and some chattering occurred consequently, and we then returned home at the click of three o'clock.

I did enjoy today. The foods were great, and for most parts of it, it was out of the ordinary. It was a good spice-up after this week's haunt.

Migraines

It's been troublesome these few days for me. I have been getting these huge migraines due to the weather being too hot. It hasn't rained for many days now and the heat is getting to me. The weather is not the only factor, though, for the cause of these attacks. I think about things too much, apparently. Anyway, here are other activities that had gone on in the last few days;

- I think it is due to my headaches I've been grumpy towards the children, even more severe than ever. I've tried my best to distant myself from them as much as possible but due to their constant annoyance which has led me to explode many times. Seriously, if there is any justice in this world, the world would see me children-free for the rest of my life. I am definitely not fit for caretaking. Ever!

- Have been to Grams' house. K wanted to visit her the other day and also wanted to get the kids out for awhile, so we headed there. For three days straight, we've been going there, occupying our remaining afternoon to staying there. Since they have Sky there, I can't complain much.

- During our rides to places, the kids are increasingly becoming annoying. They get on my nerves so so much that to the point of boiling hot. I CAN"T STAND IT ANY LONGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nightmare

Lately my mind is too much occupied by random thoughts that are too far fetched. I was really not in the same mood when I was free of the children. Tonight, having spent many nights fantasising about fake realities in my head previously, I came down with sleep deprivation. Early in the night, I was already sound asleep. In that I was dreaming about the strangest nightmare. Of course, all nightmares are usual in any way of form. I was dreaming about being chased by big sharks with my family. One of my beloved cousin who had passed away was present in there. I didn't know to make of it, but in the nightmare, I was telling not to be stupid when he was playing a game with my uncle trying to use kids as bates to lure the sharks. I haven't thought about him for some time now, and seeing him like that helps me realise the last few days of my ranting about the return of the family seems really childish. I ought to man up and take responsibilities seriously. Stop thinking about the outcome that could've been and focus more about today and the next day. Be good to the kids, and don't unleash your anger on them. It's unfair to them. Remember that!

Speaking of the kids, I want to say that the girl is becoming more obnoxious than previously. She had been the master creator of some of my heat towards being stuck here. Now though, I should realise it is not her fault. She is as a victim as I am about this situation.

On another note, Ken and his wife came here this afternoon, wanting to chat with K about the shop. After the chitchat, they invited all of us to bbq this coming Saturday. Ken had just bought a new grill and wanted to try it. I am happy about that because we would have something to occupy our Saturday.

Contradiction

The other day, K and I had an interesting conversation about the diagnosis of mental disorders. She ended up contradicting herself, when she said that some people use such disgnosis to excuse themself from participating fully or taking full accountability of their actions. She was contradicting herself because she herself had used such excuse to describe the condition of her inability to proper pronounce some words. She had an excuse because she has dyslexia. I confronted her about this apparent condictration to which she totally owned up to. She confessed that sometimes using an excuse such as a diagnosis to explain your abnormal functionalities is a way to avoid blame and self-doubt. SO I had to think about it, do I use my condition of BDD to excuse myself from the real world?

I remember one day at school in Classics class, my teacher was holding a conversation with a girl student. The student was telling the teacher that she felt she was ugly, but the teacher was insisting that it was a phase. An adolescence phase that most normal teenagers had to endure. Immediately, I clicked, thinking I was suffering from this phase. In the beginning I wasn't aware of my appearance. I was quite naive. After hearing this, it quickly occurred to me that I was in the phase of feeling inferiority of my appearance. As what the teacher had said, it was a phase. It will ease eventually, right? WRong. Until now I am still aware of my perceived appearance. I still think that I am ugly, and most times when everyone else goes out, I try my best to evade seeing people. I have compulsion in activities that I don't even know I was performing it. I told K about my condition. She didn't seem to care in the beginning until one day she saw this edition of BDD sufferers on TV that it became more clear. I was a victim of such disorder. I watched the programme with her that day. I was not something I had thought about. I didn't want to be labelled as a mental person. But the sufferers from the show had the same symptoms as me. They weren't into going out, they tried their best to avoid cameras, they picked on their face, avoiding reflection, etc. I was doing the same activities as them. SO that was that. I knew what was wrong with me.

K is the only soul who knows about me. I don't think I'll ever tell anybody else, especially my family. My mum, I would think, would be freaked out. She is not the type who'd understand. My dad is not good with emotional connection with his kids. Besides I haven't seen him for over ten years. My brothers are too distant from me, emotionally.

Fast forward a few years to the present, I still haven't seeked professional help. K had insisted that after we got out of this house, we will find some therapy for assistance. I agreed to it because I don't want the fucking thing to consume my life. Lately, it's been better. I still go out, but anxiety hits whenever I get out of the car. I can't stand that feeling, that heavy anchor pulling you down. I try my best to suck it up, but at times it gets too heavy. K tries to help when possible. I think her help was sometimes further adding on the grievances that I felt already by it. I can't blame her though. How can you when she's the only person you have who understands that side of yourself.

Sunday

YEsterday was truly one dark day for me. Today, it wasn't any better. It is widely because of the family returning from their trip. I did tell myself to fasten the seatbelt because it will be another bumpy ride, but I wasn't really antipating this sort of horror. Today was one ugly day due to that the family was staying in the house and I was trapped inside this squared room all day long. I was suffocating, both figuratively and literrally. So why couldn't I get out of the room, you may ask? Well the fact that these people occupy most of the spaces out there with their stuff they bought from their vacation and the fact that they are cleaning the whole house makes me withdrawn. I didn't want to participate/ be in the way of it all. So I decided to remain in this room all day, resorting myself to watching tens of many Ellen episodes on Youtube. How pathetic.

This morning I got up at around 11. Yes, it is late, but considering the whole day was consisting of vacant activities, I thought why should I get up at all. Anyway, the phone rang which broke my sleep. It turned out it was Ken, who wanted to communicate with K for he was going to two interviews today about two shops he had an eye on. K and he spoke for some time. I asked her eventually, after they had finished why he called, in which she replied that he wanted some advices from her about negotiating. She told him to offer the price undervalued for if these people are desperate enough, they will accept the offer. If they don't, increase the amount to the asking price. See how it will go from there. Kim has had some experience in this business, so I guess she should know what she's saying.

Moving on to later in the day, Grams came here to visit again. Of course the twins joined the visit. I like them because they are so tiny so they are easy to carry and toss around and I just love teasing them. The older of the two is more teasable becasue if you call him wrongly, he'd try to correct you in an annoyed sound. I think it's adorable.

Besides these events, I made the entire day a snooze because I kept to myself in the room, watching episodes after episodes of Ellen. I alomst watched an entire season within one day. AFter watching these clips, I came to the conclusion that my life sucks. Well, I didn't need these videos to realise I am a pathetic loser who is unemployed, mooching off somebody and complains endlessly about these very people who I mooch from, and that I am living life in solitude with only these four walls accompanying me. What I was saying is that I am just a loser. Full stop.

Hoping that when K calls the lawyer tomorrow, it will be good news to bring closure to this whole damn life.

Theory

I had this really weird continual dream about the prospect of going back to school almost every single week. Sometimes, these dreams occur more than once within the same week. I was really blasphered because I always thought that these recurring dreams were used in films either to add supsense or reveal secrets about the character's inner thoughts as the film progresses. It could actually occur in real life.

I don't know much about dreams, and I haven't read anything on why dreams happen and what dreams are, but I do have my own theory on why they occur. I think that we dream dreams because they are unconscious thoughts that are leftovers at the end of the day. But when we're in our unconscious state such as sleeping, these thoughts become more prominent in our minds. I don't have science to reinforce my thinking. However, as many people who have experienced near death, they would tell you their lives would flash before them. I can't say that it could be true but I had my own problems to realise it too. I did get some sort of flashbacks when I was in this realm of depression, wanting to suppress all my troubles, that these episodes of the past came crying back. I remembered seeing images, but these images aren't of prominent significance. It was more like little episodes, like the time I was swimming in this stream on holiday. It was nothing of any importance but again it came straight to me as if something of this little importance in my life needs revision. So, I was thinking the fact that I was dreaming about going back to school and was not prepared to sit tests at the time of examinations would suggest that my unconscious thought was preoccupied by my inner self, wanting to return to school. But what is the not ready for exams part signify? I don't really understand, but according to my sister's theory, it could tell me that I didn't want to go back to school at this time because I am not prepared for that return.

So the fact that my dream consists of the same theme, which is the revellation that I was unprepared for school, tells me that I don;t want to go to school. I had been thinking for sometime anyway why do I want to return schooling after a long interval period of being stuck here. It makes me question myself. My sister insists that I should get some kind of qualification before moving on to do something else, because a degree will butter up my application for a job. I guess she's right.

Dark Day of The Year...yet

Today is officially the darkest of the year yet for me. It is the day that the family is returning. I was really depressed last night thinking about today's eventuality. But nevertheless, life has to move on.

This morning around eight, K got up and prepared to pick them up. Then she woke me up when I was in the state of deep sleep. She had woken me up to ask if I wanted to come along. Obviously, as I really sleepy from insomniactic attacks last night, I really didn't want to tag along, let alone seeing them again. But because of expectation, I would assume I would receive from these people, I thought I should make some adjustions. So I showered in the next few minutes, got dressed, and headed to the airport.

Upon arriving at the airport, we found out my other uncle was there too to pick them up. We hung out around these phone booths as the seats were taken. 9am came and there was no sight of them. K and I had a bet on the time they'd get out of the processing place. I said that they, as a cause of their overcapacity in their luggages and had to take some time to search through all of them, would be aound 9.30 to come out. She however thought that it would be within 10 minutes.

It turned we were both wrong. The family has taken the liberty to go home by themselves. They phoned my other uncle when they reached the house. At hearing this, I was happy thinking, if I hadn't come, I'd be stuck with them all monring. God, sometimes your unintentional activities do you good.

Uncle immediately went back to his house to pick grams and the twins while I and K went off on our own, taking as much time as possible to evade seeeing them. So we went to this parking place to have a little rest. We wanted to wait for uncle and grams to arrive at the house before we do.

Seeing all these things that they bought, it wasn't a holiday afterall. They did enjoy it, they said. SO I will probably be hearing more stories from them about the stories they encountered over there. It won't be pretty, that's for sure.