Boom!

Yesterday was another enormous explosion among the many to come. I made the wrong decision when I felt like I should do some preparation for the children as they are facing the return to school just under two weeks. I wanted to get Ju prepared for her piano lessons by prepping her some pieces before going back to her teacher early Feb. That was when the crucial and eroneous decision was made. She was acting way stubborn. Her father wasn't a help either. He was the catalyst to the whole blast as he was underminding me without realising the consequences of his action, which was to disturb me while I was giving her lesson. I made a bad judgement and in that moment of anger that had engulfed my entire body, I tore the most excruciating tear to her piano textbook. I know of my wrong doing, since she is, afterall, a child. Her face, though, at the time I was trying my hardest to convey my teaching to her, was as ever unsympathetic. She was really struck on my nerves. I shouldn't've gone on to do such a thing, which I know realise was a mistake. Should I go to apologise to her, but she will be smug if she hears my apology? She will continue to repeat herself if she get it? One thing I know for sure, right now, is that I don't want to speak to her. I want to get her image out of my head for the time being, to cool myself down.

So after the explosion had been designated by me, I was really done. I didn't want to do anything anymore. I wanted out. Just wanted to become a sane person again. I was fed with everything- the children, the fucking oppression that I am continuing to experience, the empty life. K and I had talked about it. I should leave this place. I will have to find some other place for shelter, despite the restraints we will be dealing with. Money is the big priority. The biggest compromise is the situation that we are currently under reviewing. I can't say it because it is sensitive. It is our biggest drawback and I lay all of our recent issues on my mum, who was responsible for most of these bad occurences in our lives. At times in the night I just feel like wanting to harm somebody to reciprocate the trauma in which I first-hand dragged through. That thought is only a thought though- it was never put into action because I know I am a better person than that. K had said that she wanted me to move away in the wake that I can't control my anger. I don't know how it will pan out in the next couple of weeks, but I will say that I will dramatically make a difference in my life. There will be change.

For the time being, I think I will become more snobby to everybody in this house. Ignore the kids' rambuctuous behaviour, forget about the stupidity of these people. Don't think about anything of them, focus more on myself. That way, these explosions can be avoided.