Today is the last of MArch for 2010. Obviously, you'd know this just by looking at the time on the bottom left of your screen. What is significant about today is not only the last day of the month, but also it has made my mum a liar. Ever since she told me about what the fortune teller had told her in regard to my situation, I was keeping my hopes up abit because it is helping me to look forward to something at least. She had informed me that the fortune teller had said I will get my news before the end of the month, that being today. The daylight has now gone and the night sky is starting to appear, and the news of the outcome had never arrived. It just goes to show, don't believe whatever your mum tells you, especially one who has consistently been shunning you.
The way in which her tone she had laid for me over the phone during the time she told me about the fortune teller's premonition, she sounded dead sure of its imminence. I felt for it, because I was thinking of my future away from here. It is obviously premature to start plotting my escape route. I was hoping that it would come true. Apparently not so much.
What is unusual, but funny as well, is that last night I had a nightmare involving the circumstance. The news came and it was bad. I did get a bad headache going into the sleep last night, and at the back of my mind, I was thinking about the impending date 31st. I think it had thus caused last night's nightmare. Just hope next month will bring something good. I doubt it since the kids after tomorrow will have two weeks off of school, and I will have two weeks with them. It'll be fun.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Radiative Computer and TV
Could too much internet time cause tumour in your brain?
As of late, I have been curious about that. I was under the impression that, when I discovered about the cellphones that could be harmful to your health, the excess utilisation of computers would meet the similar fate. I've been wondering about this because apparently in the last few days, I have these headaches after each computer session. The pain is like hammering into your veins because, as I move, it gets bigger pains. I tried not to move too much, so I stationed in one place as much as possible for it helps to ease of the pain.
There is something about cancer causing radiation that is worrying to me. I asked my sister for some light on the matter since she is a science fanatic. She informed that it could cause cancer because of the high radiation that is given off by the screens on the computers. TVs also share the same property in this regard. Since I have the computer and the TV, this could be the double effect. I can't help but think I may get it as a result of duo cnacer screens. I tend to watch tv as well as using the computer. Could this be the cause of my headaches? Have I been exposing myself through my excess use of the computer, and my addiction to tv? My sister doesn't think so. The headaches, she said, could be that I use the computer to the extent that my eyes get exhausted, coupled with the many insomniac nights I have been having and therefore the headaches persist. As for the radiation, it can only be cancer causing when I expose myself to it too often too much. I don't, apparently make the exposure.
As of late, I have been curious about that. I was under the impression that, when I discovered about the cellphones that could be harmful to your health, the excess utilisation of computers would meet the similar fate. I've been wondering about this because apparently in the last few days, I have these headaches after each computer session. The pain is like hammering into your veins because, as I move, it gets bigger pains. I tried not to move too much, so I stationed in one place as much as possible for it helps to ease of the pain.
There is something about cancer causing radiation that is worrying to me. I asked my sister for some light on the matter since she is a science fanatic. She informed that it could cause cancer because of the high radiation that is given off by the screens on the computers. TVs also share the same property in this regard. Since I have the computer and the TV, this could be the double effect. I can't help but think I may get it as a result of duo cnacer screens. I tend to watch tv as well as using the computer. Could this be the cause of my headaches? Have I been exposing myself through my excess use of the computer, and my addiction to tv? My sister doesn't think so. The headaches, she said, could be that I use the computer to the extent that my eyes get exhausted, coupled with the many insomniac nights I have been having and therefore the headaches persist. As for the radiation, it can only be cancer causing when I expose myself to it too often too much. I don't, apparently make the exposure.
Mental Dental Cost
Remember two weeks before when I mentioned that I was having the annual denatl checkup. Well, yesterday was the day I had to get fillings for my two cavitised teeth on the lower canines. I was late to the dentist again, as per usual. The people there don't really care since the money I was about to pay them for the fillings would help erase my lact of punctuality.
The procedure was different than I used to when I had fillings before. I've had quite a few fillings in my young life and they were method usually consists just making the white fillings and pasting them onto your injured teeth. Yesterday, however, was different in that the method that the dentist used seemed more tehcnological advanced. They had given me anaesthetic on the area where the fillings were needed and used some device to paste the fillings on it. I don't rmemberThen the UV laser is used to dry the proceeding faster. It seemed high tech to me, that's all.
The cost was $360. Sh*t, as I have always protesting, the bloody charge is too damn high. Maybe the new technology helped surmount the already high price but did I ask for it when I wanted the filings. Sure, I know that it'd be best to utilise the most
modern technology, but I want to rebuttal in that the dentist never told me about the charges. I think I should blame myself for not asking him, either. Either way, it's over and I should just keep my teeth healthy from now on.
The procedure was different than I used to when I had fillings before. I've had quite a few fillings in my young life and they were method usually consists just making the white fillings and pasting them onto your injured teeth. Yesterday, however, was different in that the method that the dentist used seemed more tehcnological advanced. They had given me anaesthetic on the area where the fillings were needed and used some device to paste the fillings on it. I don't rmemberThen the UV laser is used to dry the proceeding faster. It seemed high tech to me, that's all.
The cost was $360. Sh*t, as I have always protesting, the bloody charge is too damn high. Maybe the new technology helped surmount the already high price but did I ask for it when I wanted the filings. Sure, I know that it'd be best to utilise the most
modern technology, but I want to rebuttal in that the dentist never told me about the charges. I think I should blame myself for not asking him, either. Either way, it's over and I should just keep my teeth healthy from now on.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
This Week
The week went somewhat quickly. Just a little event occurred this week that is worth mention. And that event is my gramps seeing an eye specialist to get an operation on one of her eyes. According to gramps, she is having hardship with one eye being blurry to the extent of almost can't see. The appointment this week was only a consultant one and she will have to make another appointment to have the operation. The cost is high, costing $3000. My gramps doesn't like the sound of the amount and had opted for postpone. I couldn't believe my ears when I hear this. Money is just money, but your eyes are very important as they are what you use for navigation. My gramps, however, still doesn't want the operaton now. Her families aren't supporting either. I can't help when gramps doesn't listen.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Troubles and Worries pt II
Last time I wrote about the problems which are continuing eating me up day by day. Here is the resumed list;
> Because there is nothing else to occupy my mind, I have the tendency to want to see flaws in my appearance. It is getting me down gravely being that I can't face the world when I go out.
> My family is replete with losers. It's sad to admit but if you'd seen my whole family, you'd think of them the same. Or worse. Anyway, my family is spelled with trouble as its title. They hate each other for one, and many other things that cause to be falling apart.
> The most sad thing for me, in the long list of things that I don't like about life, lays with the happiness, or lack thereof, of my sister. She is currently in the same boat as me. She is doing her best to fit in with the situations that were handed down to me unexpectedly and these weren't warranted for. Times and times again, she would explode to stress and her frustrations which is understandable. I feel horrible when it happens. It would mean I'm not doing enough to help her out, to alleviate some pain. If you think I have a tough time dealing with the situation, she is doing a gazillion times worse.
There are more to her problems than meets the eye. WHen she was younger, I remember my mum would take me out on her rides to places. These events would take place almost daily. She would leave my sister at home with these other people, who were helping us out with the housework. I had never heard my sister ever complained once. It's saddening when I realise the repercussions would lead her to feel abandoned, and unwanted in the family. I kept telling her she's one crucial part of the puzzle in my life and I would never have wished for anyone else.
When the crucial change in our lives happened on the near eve of the turn of the new millenium, she was there for me. I would feel upset about the change and she would symphasise them with me. I felt I haven't yet reciprocate to her with she is currently dealing with. I don't emotional stability to lend her my shoulder. I's hardening for me to even admit I have problems, let alone be the listener to her.
My sister is going through the rough times of her life. She is at an age where the world is within her reach, yet that sentiment is beyond believable under current oppression. She is braving the situation and she is continuing to endure. What is worsening is her mood swings. They are coming faster and louder than ever. When I could avoid it, I would do so. When I couldn't, I would get into arguments with her over her actions, upon making sure she would let the situation for that moment. To help her lessening the stress. It of course would come as a prize when we don't talk to one another for a couple of days or so. It's all trouble when it comes to us not agresing with each other's actions. Usually the arguments are over the kids, and our parenting skills toward them. Her being stubborn is also a top proprietor to our bickering.
Ok, back to my other issues...
> I am feeling like crap when I don't complete tasks that were assigned to me.
> My Stupid fantasies. They are not real and stop thinking about them. You're still the useless kid inside someone else's house, leeching off of them, and have no life of your own.
> BDD
> OCD
> High stress.
There are of course nice days amidst my situation. I will post about the good things when I get the chance.
> Because there is nothing else to occupy my mind, I have the tendency to want to see flaws in my appearance. It is getting me down gravely being that I can't face the world when I go out.
> My family is replete with losers. It's sad to admit but if you'd seen my whole family, you'd think of them the same. Or worse. Anyway, my family is spelled with trouble as its title. They hate each other for one, and many other things that cause to be falling apart.
> The most sad thing for me, in the long list of things that I don't like about life, lays with the happiness, or lack thereof, of my sister. She is currently in the same boat as me. She is doing her best to fit in with the situations that were handed down to me unexpectedly and these weren't warranted for. Times and times again, she would explode to stress and her frustrations which is understandable. I feel horrible when it happens. It would mean I'm not doing enough to help her out, to alleviate some pain. If you think I have a tough time dealing with the situation, she is doing a gazillion times worse.
There are more to her problems than meets the eye. WHen she was younger, I remember my mum would take me out on her rides to places. These events would take place almost daily. She would leave my sister at home with these other people, who were helping us out with the housework. I had never heard my sister ever complained once. It's saddening when I realise the repercussions would lead her to feel abandoned, and unwanted in the family. I kept telling her she's one crucial part of the puzzle in my life and I would never have wished for anyone else.
When the crucial change in our lives happened on the near eve of the turn of the new millenium, she was there for me. I would feel upset about the change and she would symphasise them with me. I felt I haven't yet reciprocate to her with she is currently dealing with. I don't emotional stability to lend her my shoulder. I's hardening for me to even admit I have problems, let alone be the listener to her.
My sister is going through the rough times of her life. She is at an age where the world is within her reach, yet that sentiment is beyond believable under current oppression. She is braving the situation and she is continuing to endure. What is worsening is her mood swings. They are coming faster and louder than ever. When I could avoid it, I would do so. When I couldn't, I would get into arguments with her over her actions, upon making sure she would let the situation for that moment. To help her lessening the stress. It of course would come as a prize when we don't talk to one another for a couple of days or so. It's all trouble when it comes to us not agresing with each other's actions. Usually the arguments are over the kids, and our parenting skills toward them. Her being stubborn is also a top proprietor to our bickering.
Ok, back to my other issues...
> I am feeling like crap when I don't complete tasks that were assigned to me.
> My Stupid fantasies. They are not real and stop thinking about them. You're still the useless kid inside someone else's house, leeching off of them, and have no life of your own.
> BDD
> OCD
> High stress.
There are of course nice days amidst my situation. I will post about the good things when I get the chance.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Troubles and Worries
Here are some of my worries and troubles;
> I fell just an oldie despite the fact i am still 20 years old. When I stare in the mirror, I see an old person's reflection. It's saddening me that I am this young but have the mindset of an elderly.
> I am stuck in this sh*thole and it doesn't to ever end. It's been ten or years now that i am waiting and that's killing me.
> I can't go to sleep at night and am constantly feeling tired from the insomnia. There are times I feel sleepy but can't put that into action makes me feel highly frustrated that my mind could play such a cruel game.
> Am in constant bad mood. From early in the morning when I get up to the sun sets to the moment I lay my head on the pillow, I just can't make my life change from its deterioration.
> Am away from school for many years and feel like I can't go back because of the lateness in my schoolings.
> Suffering from loneliness due to staying at home and don't meet people outside the house.
> Can't get the nerve to live life as it should.
> Mute when around people. I can't seem to be myself when I'm around strangers. I get, like, a mind freeze.
> Feeling suffocated with the kids being constantly trying to get me angry at them. They always make the house dirty and don't listen to instructions. They don't like certain foods which are already on the dinner table and therefore refuse to even touch them. I have to listen to their ramblings when they are angry at each other. Though the last one is ok but sometimes it's overbearing to hear about what their sibling had done, when infact it's the sort of thing they'd do it as well.
> Did I mention that I am stuck in the rut!!
> I am living with the worst douche bags of all. They hate me and they think I am useless to the bone.
> Always felt useless. The douchebags are right.
> Angry at my mum for not being a better mother when I was younger. Just never had the proper experience as a child.
> WHy was I even born? My mum already had three prior to my birth. She had two boys until my sister came along. She said that she wanted a girl. SO after the birth of my sister, what is the point in having me? She already got what she wanted in my sister, and my birth would only make things worse, finance and stress-wise. I don't have to the will to ask this question directly to her, though.
> Sleep deprivation!!!!
> Guardian guilts from being a failure to the kids' needs.
> HAte own appearance. Can''t even have my photos taken because I am afaid to see them.
More later..
> I fell just an oldie despite the fact i am still 20 years old. When I stare in the mirror, I see an old person's reflection. It's saddening me that I am this young but have the mindset of an elderly.
> I am stuck in this sh*thole and it doesn't to ever end. It's been ten or years now that i am waiting and that's killing me.
> I can't go to sleep at night and am constantly feeling tired from the insomnia. There are times I feel sleepy but can't put that into action makes me feel highly frustrated that my mind could play such a cruel game.
> Am in constant bad mood. From early in the morning when I get up to the sun sets to the moment I lay my head on the pillow, I just can't make my life change from its deterioration.
> Am away from school for many years and feel like I can't go back because of the lateness in my schoolings.
> Suffering from loneliness due to staying at home and don't meet people outside the house.
> Can't get the nerve to live life as it should.
> Mute when around people. I can't seem to be myself when I'm around strangers. I get, like, a mind freeze.
> Feeling suffocated with the kids being constantly trying to get me angry at them. They always make the house dirty and don't listen to instructions. They don't like certain foods which are already on the dinner table and therefore refuse to even touch them. I have to listen to their ramblings when they are angry at each other. Though the last one is ok but sometimes it's overbearing to hear about what their sibling had done, when infact it's the sort of thing they'd do it as well.
> Did I mention that I am stuck in the rut!!
> I am living with the worst douche bags of all. They hate me and they think I am useless to the bone.
> Always felt useless. The douchebags are right.
> Angry at my mum for not being a better mother when I was younger. Just never had the proper experience as a child.
> WHy was I even born? My mum already had three prior to my birth. She had two boys until my sister came along. She said that she wanted a girl. SO after the birth of my sister, what is the point in having me? She already got what she wanted in my sister, and my birth would only make things worse, finance and stress-wise. I don't have to the will to ask this question directly to her, though.
> Sleep deprivation!!!!
> Guardian guilts from being a failure to the kids' needs.
> HAte own appearance. Can''t even have my photos taken because I am afaid to see them.
More later..
Sleeping Deprived
I am in a severe depression right now. In the last few days, in particular the last two nights, I have been going through depression episodes, which is affecting my sleeps. I haven't had a good night sleep for a week now. When I do go to sleep, my brain keeps occupying itself with thoughts, and that's making me stay awake for longer. Also when I do fall asleep, I can easilu wake up to the slightest noise. I need help desperately.
I have many worries which are the cause of my sleep deprivation. I have been thinking too much, most of which the thoughts are based on nothing but pure fantasies. Take last night for example. I was going to sleep early when I felt tired. The little noise, abit later, had made me wake up. So when I tried to get back to sleep, I couldn't. My brain somehow just couldn't shut itself. I then proceeded to watch tv to the extent that it was 12.30am that I could get myself to bed. By that time, I was really beat. Even then I couldn't count sheep to sleep, it took me another hour or so to fall asleep. And then to add salt to the wound, I woke up to the sounds that were made by the douche bad and the children as they were prepared to leave for work early in the morning. I am right now, as I write, really exhausted and my brain's functionality is not doing so good. What is the matter with me? WHen I want to sleep, I couldn't. But when I don't, my mind tells me to go to sleep. WHat the shit is it playing at?
I have many worries which are the cause of my sleep deprivation. I have been thinking too much, most of which the thoughts are based on nothing but pure fantasies. Take last night for example. I was going to sleep early when I felt tired. The little noise, abit later, had made me wake up. So when I tried to get back to sleep, I couldn't. My brain somehow just couldn't shut itself. I then proceeded to watch tv to the extent that it was 12.30am that I could get myself to bed. By that time, I was really beat. Even then I couldn't count sheep to sleep, it took me another hour or so to fall asleep. And then to add salt to the wound, I woke up to the sounds that were made by the douche bad and the children as they were prepared to leave for work early in the morning. I am right now, as I write, really exhausted and my brain's functionality is not doing so good. What is the matter with me? WHen I want to sleep, I couldn't. But when I don't, my mind tells me to go to sleep. WHat the shit is it playing at?
Friday, March 19, 2010
Going to the Doctor's
Just got back from the doctors which took us approximately 30 minutes doing the testing on my aunt. All is good, as the audiologist informed aunt that she is only suffering from minor sound loss. It was a sign of great relief. It turned out, as opposed to my previous thesis that she was having issues in regard to her hearing loss, that her visit to the audiologist was just a checkup that her husband wanted her to do. He is the one with ear problem, but he wanted her to do a routine checkup as a precaustion. Good on him, I'd say. A rarity in my compliment to the douche bag.
Anyway, as I'm writing this, my sister is at the shop helping out. She was late in the morning when she had to take the kids to the dentist (this makes us sound like we all have problems with health in this family... and it's so true.). So my aunt had to come to pick me up from home. All is all, it was finally a nice break through to our silence within the house. Thank goodness- finally.
Anyway, as I'm writing this, my sister is at the shop helping out. She was late in the morning when she had to take the kids to the dentist (this makes us sound like we all have problems with health in this family... and it's so true.). So my aunt had to come to pick me up from home. All is all, it was finally a nice break through to our silence within the house. Thank goodness- finally.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Hearing Aid
When K got back from the shop this afternoon, I was told by her that I will be going to accompany the oppress tomorrow to the doctor's. Apparently, she is suffering from some hearing problem, and needs the doctor's medication. Tomorrow, she's seeing a specialist and I was made to help her speak with the doctor. The sad thing is that I was never asked by them, and the news came as a shock when K informed me of it. How controlling is that? I mean it's not like I don't want to help out, but at least I wanted to be ased first. I think it is only a good courtesy. Anyway, no matter what, I had to go tomorrow to my own dismay.
IN the meanwhile I will be accompanying the oppress at the doctor's, K will be assisting at the shop. The lady helper there will be gone to school. Nowadays, she goes to school in the afternoon, as she wants to become more fluent with the language. This had led the douche bag couple hate her even more. They didn't like her before because of her lack of work ethic. Now, coupled with the school thing which shorten the work hours, the couple really want to metaphorically push the lady off the cliff. They want to fire her but as they are in the rut with me and K, they had no choice but to make her stay for the time being. This goes to show people can't stand the douche bags, even those who are desperate enough to work for them.
On this topic of the couple can't keep people happy, K and I had discussed many times about them being a**holes with their workers, including us. They never showed any appreciation when the work is done properly. When the work is not done to their liking, they would make sure you know it. Should they have shown some kind of acknowledgement about our works, this would have been less an issue. But because of their echoes of our faults, it has just gotten too much to take in. I can't bear to even want to mention their names because it would mean they are humans. And they are not. They are monsters who don't understand the human conditions, in which they should have caring for. K is definitely in the boat with me on this. She dislikes people like them whose only desire is to bring hell to those already in one. I just hope karma will bite them back in the a**.
IN the meanwhile I will be accompanying the oppress at the doctor's, K will be assisting at the shop. The lady helper there will be gone to school. Nowadays, she goes to school in the afternoon, as she wants to become more fluent with the language. This had led the douche bag couple hate her even more. They didn't like her before because of her lack of work ethic. Now, coupled with the school thing which shorten the work hours, the couple really want to metaphorically push the lady off the cliff. They want to fire her but as they are in the rut with me and K, they had no choice but to make her stay for the time being. This goes to show people can't stand the douche bags, even those who are desperate enough to work for them.
On this topic of the couple can't keep people happy, K and I had discussed many times about them being a**holes with their workers, including us. They never showed any appreciation when the work is done properly. When the work is not done to their liking, they would make sure you know it. Should they have shown some kind of acknowledgement about our works, this would have been less an issue. But because of their echoes of our faults, it has just gotten too much to take in. I can't bear to even want to mention their names because it would mean they are humans. And they are not. They are monsters who don't understand the human conditions, in which they should have caring for. K is definitely in the boat with me on this. She dislikes people like them whose only desire is to bring hell to those already in one. I just hope karma will bite them back in the a**.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Morning of Discontent
This morning was yet again another one of those mornings you'd wish you'd never wake up to. I got up at 8.30am to find that the boy would not go to school, apparently he is sick. Even he did get little coughs the previous night, I still don't see it to be as grave as to let him skip school for the day. The mother, last night, had told K to let the boy stay home. I was angry hearing this as I don't think he could be any better by remaining in the house. I remember last year, we had the same scenario in which it involved the two children. They didn't go to school for a couple of days or so because of flu. THen as things weren't getting any better, they stayed home for two weeks further. Seriously, sometimes illness is not the symtoms that show, but your attitude towards it. The children didn't want to go to school, so fake coughing in front of the couple of douche bags would solve their issue. I am pissed about his as I think it will be a repeat to last year. The boy will pretend to be coughing tonight and the parents will, f**king oblivious, make the boy skip school another day, and another, and another, until they realise their f**king clueless actions are infact encouraging the behaviour. I will abhor seeing this putting into action. I will attempt to tell myself the children are not mine, so don't be invasive to them. Just don't bother about them.
Yet that sort of thinking hasn't helped me this morning to evade the rage inside me.
I visited the dentist for annual checkup. I got there quarter of an hour late. They slipped me in anyway. The charge for the checkup was $130 and I had to see them again in two weeks time because I needed fillings on my two lower canines. The total charge the filings surmount to around $260. F**king shit. As I always had said, the dentists over here are legal robbers.
Yet that sort of thinking hasn't helped me this morning to evade the rage inside me.
I visited the dentist for annual checkup. I got there quarter of an hour late. They slipped me in anyway. The charge for the checkup was $130 and I had to see them again in two weeks time because I needed fillings on my two lower canines. The total charge the filings surmount to around $260. F**king shit. As I always had said, the dentists over here are legal robbers.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Silent Treatment
The big tension in this house is incredibly tense. Take today for example. Upon their return from work, they entered the house looking grumpy. They then proceeded to go to their room and remained there until dinner time. THis is unusual because they don't ever stick to the room this long unless bedtime. The mood was intense. When they got out, we didn't speak one word to each other. It has been like this for many months now.
I blame the whole thing on myself. I think it all began when I had an episode with their daughter over piano practice. They were angry at me for not nicely tell the girl to play it, rather put much stress on her. It was an aberration, or so I thought. We argued again for the same problem- the girl's stubbornness to listen which pissed me off. I didn't have the patience I once had. The argument eventually led me to not want to give piano lessons to the girl anymore. This, on top of my constant angry vipe to them, had made them not wanting to speak to me. In retaliation, I don't want to speak to a couple of a**holes who like to abuse kids with overwork and neglect. The end result is this- we don't speak or even look at each other.
I blame the whole thing on myself. I think it all began when I had an episode with their daughter over piano practice. They were angry at me for not nicely tell the girl to play it, rather put much stress on her. It was an aberration, or so I thought. We argued again for the same problem- the girl's stubbornness to listen which pissed me off. I didn't have the patience I once had. The argument eventually led me to not want to give piano lessons to the girl anymore. This, on top of my constant angry vipe to them, had made them not wanting to speak to me. In retaliation, I don't want to speak to a couple of a**holes who like to abuse kids with overwork and neglect. The end result is this- we don't speak or even look at each other.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Episode 5 Of Survivor
This is a disappointing episode for me. The evictee is somebody I wanted to win- TOm. I am just hoping that Colby can stay longer for the duration of the premerge so that I can at least watch the show without feeling angry at the heroes tribe. He is the sole castaway on that team for me to root for in the challenges as the other tribe consists of mostly people I don't particular like watching in their respective seasons.
Yes, even though I already know who the winner is by the leaked boot list, I still am interested in the show. I still want to believe that the list could be wrong somehow despite the correct predictions of the first five eliminations. I, once, was told by my schoolmate that I am pathetic in that regard because I should have learned of the boots as it would lessen the fun when I watch it. I have to agree but I couldn't help myself when the title of the leaked page said spoiler and my hand couldn't resist the temptation to find out.
Yes, even though I already know who the winner is by the leaked boot list, I still am interested in the show. I still want to believe that the list could be wrong somehow despite the correct predictions of the first five eliminations. I, once, was told by my schoolmate that I am pathetic in that regard because I should have learned of the boots as it would lessen the fun when I watch it. I have to agree but I couldn't help myself when the title of the leaked page said spoiler and my hand couldn't resist the temptation to find out.
14 Houses in 10 Years
This current residence of mine is the fourteenth stop in a race to the future and imminent destination of sanctuary. It was ten years ago when my mum made that decision to leave her home to come out in the world where she didn't know anything about. She made the choice because she had no choice. Back where she was from, there were many limitations to her living the fullest life. Ostensibly, this decision was not a wise one, as evident by my and K's current situation.
Anyway, the journey was sprung by the choices that my mum had made. In the beginning, as I was very young, and very naive about the world, the decision seemed sound. I laid my full trust onto her, in which she had abused it. The first house when we got here was a flat shared by many people. They were also in the same situation as us. Forward a few months ahead, my mum and aunt met a person who helped us rent his place in what is now considered the first reststop to the troubles.
Subsequent moves were made in parallel to our economic status. We were doing from poor to ok in the next few years. We moved three times in that short period of time from our little rented house to another one nearby to one that was in a better suburb to end in the current house, which sits in a good neighbourhood.
The happy ending didn't end from there. When my aunt got married to this douche bag, who was and is influential to her decision making, he took her away from us. He would usually treat my mum rudely, he would often neglect his duties in favour of his selfishness. In the coming months amongst the many that were prior to their marriage had led my mum to implode her anger on the couple. She bashed them verbally to release the anger that was cumulated for some time. The pair sent us packing in retaliation. As a result of this war, we had to move to other places, the number of moving houses added up to 13 eventually. Sometimes the moves were often back and forth between houses.
The last move was three years ago. K was the first person to move here in due to the douche bag and the oppressed was in need of a child carer. Their previous caretaker had to leave quickly, so there wasn't a proper gradual change. THe children, then, were very young. The douche bag and the oppressed by that time had reconciled with my mum. So they asked K to come help out for a few months until they found a replacement. This didnot, however, happen. They didn't find a replacement and wanted K to permanently remain as their helper. The sad thing was they made the replacement claim under false pretense when they didn't follow up with their words. K, until this day, is still angry about their lie.
Anyway, the move to here was made by my mum after the shop that she and my older brother co-owned was bought by the douche bag couple. As we weren't getting real income, we had to relocate to their house. The move proved to be a mistake, because in the ensuing three or four years, there was so much animosity within the confines of this house. After my mum had left us to another country, we had to endure the abuse by the couple. It is not done, of course, in the physical manner, but the emotional breakdowns were hard to bear. I had, for many years, enough of this farking prison cell, but yet here we still are. K was in the same boat from the beginning. She warned me prior to my relocation to here that we shouldn't come at all. I didn't know the consequences back then, told K that her worries would diminish once we came and shared some of the burdens. Apparently, this was one crucial mistake. We are made stuck here for some times more.
So what is the one thing that can save us? A piece of paper that tells us we are free. It is one crucial piece of parchment to free my and K's lives. It is this that we couldn't do anything to alleviate our situation to a new ground. It sucks, because waiting for this piece of papar is doing grave damages to my mindset. The sheer frustration is eating me alive, one tiny bite a day to prolong my slow death. That is the reason why my rants were often seen as monotonic in that I complain so much about the same farking damn thing. I don't have anything going on for me. The trouble which was caused by the person I once loved, is the basement source to all of my rants which branches to my other frustrations inside the house. Writing them down on here is one way to release some stress.
If I receive the "paper" in the immediate future, I will have to move again. This will be my fifteenth move. It will be that of a happy journey away from hell, and the one move that will define me for the next few years. I know for a fact that it won't be the last one, being that I still want to move to other countries. That will be the days I will be happy. Until then, I am still waiting.
Anyway, the journey was sprung by the choices that my mum had made. In the beginning, as I was very young, and very naive about the world, the decision seemed sound. I laid my full trust onto her, in which she had abused it. The first house when we got here was a flat shared by many people. They were also in the same situation as us. Forward a few months ahead, my mum and aunt met a person who helped us rent his place in what is now considered the first reststop to the troubles.
Subsequent moves were made in parallel to our economic status. We were doing from poor to ok in the next few years. We moved three times in that short period of time from our little rented house to another one nearby to one that was in a better suburb to end in the current house, which sits in a good neighbourhood.
The happy ending didn't end from there. When my aunt got married to this douche bag, who was and is influential to her decision making, he took her away from us. He would usually treat my mum rudely, he would often neglect his duties in favour of his selfishness. In the coming months amongst the many that were prior to their marriage had led my mum to implode her anger on the couple. She bashed them verbally to release the anger that was cumulated for some time. The pair sent us packing in retaliation. As a result of this war, we had to move to other places, the number of moving houses added up to 13 eventually. Sometimes the moves were often back and forth between houses.
The last move was three years ago. K was the first person to move here in due to the douche bag and the oppressed was in need of a child carer. Their previous caretaker had to leave quickly, so there wasn't a proper gradual change. THe children, then, were very young. The douche bag and the oppressed by that time had reconciled with my mum. So they asked K to come help out for a few months until they found a replacement. This didnot, however, happen. They didn't find a replacement and wanted K to permanently remain as their helper. The sad thing was they made the replacement claim under false pretense when they didn't follow up with their words. K, until this day, is still angry about their lie.
Anyway, the move to here was made by my mum after the shop that she and my older brother co-owned was bought by the douche bag couple. As we weren't getting real income, we had to relocate to their house. The move proved to be a mistake, because in the ensuing three or four years, there was so much animosity within the confines of this house. After my mum had left us to another country, we had to endure the abuse by the couple. It is not done, of course, in the physical manner, but the emotional breakdowns were hard to bear. I had, for many years, enough of this farking prison cell, but yet here we still are. K was in the same boat from the beginning. She warned me prior to my relocation to here that we shouldn't come at all. I didn't know the consequences back then, told K that her worries would diminish once we came and shared some of the burdens. Apparently, this was one crucial mistake. We are made stuck here for some times more.
So what is the one thing that can save us? A piece of paper that tells us we are free. It is one crucial piece of parchment to free my and K's lives. It is this that we couldn't do anything to alleviate our situation to a new ground. It sucks, because waiting for this piece of papar is doing grave damages to my mindset. The sheer frustration is eating me alive, one tiny bite a day to prolong my slow death. That is the reason why my rants were often seen as monotonic in that I complain so much about the same farking damn thing. I don't have anything going on for me. The trouble which was caused by the person I once loved, is the basement source to all of my rants which branches to my other frustrations inside the house. Writing them down on here is one way to release some stress.
If I receive the "paper" in the immediate future, I will have to move again. This will be my fifteenth move. It will be that of a happy journey away from hell, and the one move that will define me for the next few years. I know for a fact that it won't be the last one, being that I still want to move to other countries. That will be the days I will be happy. Until then, I am still waiting.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Some Random Rants
This morning I woke up to the sound of the little boy not obeying to his caregiver. He didn't get dressed quick enough for the liking of his supremacy. So the caregiver kept on repeatedly telling him to make himself useful by getting ready for school. I looked at the time and it read 8.15am. The time indicated that the boy was going to be late to school if the trend of disobery was to continue. I, being the other "helper", made the choice that I had to make the boy listen. So that was the end to my sleeping.
The boy, in subsequent events, was very good. He listend and got dressed. He then brushed his own teeth and had his breakfast eaten in the neck of time. It was unbelievably smooth. We weren't late afterall.
I can't help but think that my being here has high effectss on the children. I know they are great kids under the surface of disobedience. They were good for the most part this morning, which indicated some sense in them. It made feel highly guilty when I see this. I realise the children will be highly traumatised by my impending departure from this place. I can't stay here because I know I don't belong. The children however don't know this, and they have always believed I will remain with them forever more. The sad thing is I can't tell them about me not wanting to live in this house, the place they call home. There is nothing I can do, but only to cushion the blow by visiting them every now and then, if permitted of course by the parents.
Another thing that happened today was my big bro's pulling of his wisdom tooth. I didn't know about this until this afternoon when we visited the dentist. I, being true to self, didn't venture in the office to witness the torture, but seeing the bag containing the pulled out tooth was a good enough imagery in my head. The cost of the operation was $800. Damn these dentists know how to make money. They charged you as if they know you were growing dollars on trees. How can the government not intervene on the prices of these ridiculous procedures. It's not right. That's the primary reason you see many people have witches' teeth around here. The people can't afford the checkups, let alone getting operations like my brother's.
Anyway, my brother paid them the full price. He had no choice.
AS a consequent to my brother appointment to his dentist, K was the designated driver for him after the operation as he could not drive under the pain. K therefore didn't go to the shop. I forced her to call the douche bag because, afterall, we are still in their house. She of course was mad at hearing this. But the fact of the matter remains, we are still under their supervision. After many pushes, she stubbornly called them. The oppressed picked up the phone. K had explained to her, but she sounded disinterested as she was quick to hang up. This led to K more infuriated. Hey I was too. Again, this is not our choice.
I talked to my mum on Monday in a long time. Initially, I didn't desire to talk to her at all, but I was insisted by my brother. She brought up a topic in our conversation which was there was this fortune teller she saw the other day. The teller had foresaw my and K's fate, telling her that we would get our news before the month ends. I am of course a skeptic to this, but it is a nice confirmation. K didn't believe it either when I told her afterwards.
The boy, in subsequent events, was very good. He listend and got dressed. He then brushed his own teeth and had his breakfast eaten in the neck of time. It was unbelievably smooth. We weren't late afterall.
I can't help but think that my being here has high effectss on the children. I know they are great kids under the surface of disobedience. They were good for the most part this morning, which indicated some sense in them. It made feel highly guilty when I see this. I realise the children will be highly traumatised by my impending departure from this place. I can't stay here because I know I don't belong. The children however don't know this, and they have always believed I will remain with them forever more. The sad thing is I can't tell them about me not wanting to live in this house, the place they call home. There is nothing I can do, but only to cushion the blow by visiting them every now and then, if permitted of course by the parents.
Another thing that happened today was my big bro's pulling of his wisdom tooth. I didn't know about this until this afternoon when we visited the dentist. I, being true to self, didn't venture in the office to witness the torture, but seeing the bag containing the pulled out tooth was a good enough imagery in my head. The cost of the operation was $800. Damn these dentists know how to make money. They charged you as if they know you were growing dollars on trees. How can the government not intervene on the prices of these ridiculous procedures. It's not right. That's the primary reason you see many people have witches' teeth around here. The people can't afford the checkups, let alone getting operations like my brother's.
Anyway, my brother paid them the full price. He had no choice.
AS a consequent to my brother appointment to his dentist, K was the designated driver for him after the operation as he could not drive under the pain. K therefore didn't go to the shop. I forced her to call the douche bag because, afterall, we are still in their house. She of course was mad at hearing this. But the fact of the matter remains, we are still under their supervision. After many pushes, she stubbornly called them. The oppressed picked up the phone. K had explained to her, but she sounded disinterested as she was quick to hang up. This led to K more infuriated. Hey I was too. Again, this is not our choice.
I talked to my mum on Monday in a long time. Initially, I didn't desire to talk to her at all, but I was insisted by my brother. She brought up a topic in our conversation which was there was this fortune teller she saw the other day. The teller had foresaw my and K's fate, telling her that we would get our news before the month ends. I am of course a skeptic to this, but it is a nice confirmation. K didn't believe it either when I told her afterwards.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Survivor Ep 04
I am so glad to see Cirie gone. No offence to her, I have always felt that she was overrated. Sure she's done some great mastermind works in her previous seasons, but the sure fact remains she was playing with some of the idiotic characters. Besides, her audacious smile or laugh makes me want to kill myself at times. Yes, i am just like the moody old man.
Another thing that I enjoyed from the episode was the mere fact Tom and Colby are looking more and more safe within their tribe. I am hoping they can make it to the end, then one of them can win the grand price. Great episode of the season yet for me.
Another thing that I enjoyed from the episode was the mere fact Tom and Colby are looking more and more safe within their tribe. I am hoping they can make it to the end, then one of them can win the grand price. Great episode of the season yet for me.
Worry
I've been worrying. Yes, it is not unusual but this worrisome is coming to get me everytime I channel my television. It is the age worry. I am twenty years and about four months old as of now. I'm worried about the fact that, being this old, I still haven't accomplished anything that's worth something. When the tv shows people within my age range who have achieved something in their lives, it makes me really agitated at myself, and sometimes envious of their positions. They didn't have to go through hell like I am now, and they didn't require to wait to reach their destination in life. I abhor having to live in this sh+thole and still there is nothing I could do to better my life. This is unfair. Then again, who said life's fair.
My sister is also in the same boat. She, sometimes, tells me about her feelings toward being this old. She felt it could be too late for her to make something for herself, especially the job that she's always wanted to break into. I truly feel her pain. I see her as somebody who'd so great if they were given a proper route. Instead she was made to be stuck with me like this. I want her to do good, and the way she's been thinking about her future reveals to me that she will, oneday, become great. I can feel it in my bones, and I will see it till that day comes. For now though, just bite our tongues to repress the anger.
My sister is also in the same boat. She, sometimes, tells me about her feelings toward being this old. She felt it could be too late for her to make something for herself, especially the job that she's always wanted to break into. I truly feel her pain. I see her as somebody who'd so great if they were given a proper route. Instead she was made to be stuck with me like this. I want her to do good, and the way she's been thinking about her future reveals to me that she will, oneday, become great. I can feel it in my bones, and I will see it till that day comes. For now though, just bite our tongues to repress the anger.
Friday, March 5, 2010
The Week That Was
These few days consisted of the usual and mundane routine. On Tuesday, K had the car fixed and I was there with her. We waited for half an hour or so, as the mechanic tightened the steering wheel for her. For anything else, there wasn't any surcharge to it because the car is still under warranty. So it was all good.
Wednesday was another ordinary. The kids were at school until lunch, K and I had to pick them up for dental checkup. It's half-annually for the children to get their teeth checked and it was free. It turned out the children were needing some fillings and we will return next Friday to do so.
Thruday came more quickly than anticipated. K had to go to work, despite her reluctance. I didn't want her go as well, since the expectations set by the douche bad and his wife on our heads were swaying the thought. Ju attended piano practice and Jord stayed with me at home.
K had a epiphany later that night, thinking her life sucks and blows simultaneously. She suffered from depression and love-deprivation. She wanted to have a normal life, in which the whole situation is starving of. She hated the idea of not being able to find herself again, the somebody who'd know how to engage with life itself. I tried to attend to her sentiment, but I think I dida lousy job. I told her, though, I felt the same feelings as her. I've always crave for more freedom than this, but despite much deliberations, nothing will change. It saddened me to know there is nothing I could do to alleviate the pain abit for her. K knew this all along, and that is what has caused her to become emotional. She headed for bed after that.
This morning, inlight of last night's event, we decided to head out for some fresh air. I had this Vietnamese bun for lunch and she had some drink. AFterward, we directed our way to the library where I had made some readings. I also borrowed some books, three of which were learning Japanese. I decided to learn the language to occupy some worrisome time. So the day is better than most, as it was an small aberation from the norm.
I can't stress hard enough, but all I want right now is the news to my situation. I want to find out about the outcome and be liberated from this house. It is killing me inside out, making me aged faster, and it is not what life is meant to be. K is suffering, too, from these symptions plus more. Tell me what is the result?
Wednesday was another ordinary. The kids were at school until lunch, K and I had to pick them up for dental checkup. It's half-annually for the children to get their teeth checked and it was free. It turned out the children were needing some fillings and we will return next Friday to do so.
Thruday came more quickly than anticipated. K had to go to work, despite her reluctance. I didn't want her go as well, since the expectations set by the douche bad and his wife on our heads were swaying the thought. Ju attended piano practice and Jord stayed with me at home.
K had a epiphany later that night, thinking her life sucks and blows simultaneously. She suffered from depression and love-deprivation. She wanted to have a normal life, in which the whole situation is starving of. She hated the idea of not being able to find herself again, the somebody who'd know how to engage with life itself. I tried to attend to her sentiment, but I think I dida lousy job. I told her, though, I felt the same feelings as her. I've always crave for more freedom than this, but despite much deliberations, nothing will change. It saddened me to know there is nothing I could do to alleviate the pain abit for her. K knew this all along, and that is what has caused her to become emotional. She headed for bed after that.
This morning, inlight of last night's event, we decided to head out for some fresh air. I had this Vietnamese bun for lunch and she had some drink. AFterward, we directed our way to the library where I had made some readings. I also borrowed some books, three of which were learning Japanese. I decided to learn the language to occupy some worrisome time. So the day is better than most, as it was an small aberation from the norm.
I can't stress hard enough, but all I want right now is the news to my situation. I want to find out about the outcome and be liberated from this house. It is killing me inside out, making me aged faster, and it is not what life is meant to be. K is suffering, too, from these symptions plus more. Tell me what is the result?
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