Do You Trust Me?

I went to see my counsellor at around 6.30pm. I was supposed to see her on Saturday but the car situation permitted the meeting to desolve. I called the centre on Monday to reschedule which I got the appointment for tonight.

Here are what we discussed in today's session;

• We talked about the kids' mum has now changed. She is starting to take the kids to school and back, which made me feel left out as I don't know what to do. She understood that if you want something so bad, suddenly you got, it leaves you feeling empty. I got that sentiment when I was made redundant without the kids to look after.


• With the kids now being taken care off by their mum, do I still want to leave the house. I said I don't know, but still wanting to move as I want more freedom. She proceeded to ask what sort of place do I want to move to, like an apartment with roommates, or a school hostel. I couldn't pick initially as I felt both are the same, with respect to being people I don't know, which is scaring at the same as the financial problem this may cause. In the end, I said the school hostel. I think it's more cheaper.


• The conversation moved to the swimming lesson. I said that I had my uncle taking me, instead of the lesson that I meant to take. The problem was that he also brought his family along, which lessen our time for swimming lesson. She asked if I could tell him to take the lesson more seriously, meaning he shouldn't bring his family. Also, she asked about my relationship with my uncle, is the sort of person I could talk to easily? I responded that he's ok, and I do feel comfortable talking about stuff. At the same time, other things I don't feel I want to trouble him, as he has his family to worry about.


• I told Brige about the short story of Walter Mitty. She brought up about my sleeping habits, which is something I hate doing, I told her. I likened the hate for sleeping with a prelude of fantasing to the charater Walter. I mentioned the story being that I could relate to the title character. Like myself, he fantasises about scenarios that make heroic. The difference is that he sees himself in the fantasies, whereas I view myself being in someone else's shoes achieving those magnificent. So in a way, I am not the hero in my own fantasies.


• She said she'd read the story. Would she see me in the story? I said that I am different in him in regard to our age difference and he thinks of himself the hero within his fantasies. He gets beaten by the people around him, which I always felt in my own everyday memory. But I don't think he is me, but a relatable person.


• We also talked about my anxiety. How the first time I came to see her, I was anxious and didn't want to come in. I was sitting in the car outside, and was shaking and thinking that I shouldn't be here. Brige pushed the conversation to why I felt that I shouldn't come in. I said because of money and time I don't want to waste. WHose money was I spending on counselling? My mum's, which she gave me as pocket money. I said I don't like spending it as I wish to return all the amount she has been giving me. I feel it's dirty and it's a charitable thing that she's doing. Brige of course went on saying that she's my mum, therefore it's her duty to give me the money. Also, she said that lots and lots of mums out there do the same thing, so I shouldn't think this way. I still don't like it.


• The talk about my mum turned to if she knew about me coming here? I said no because she wouldn't like it. She would go bananas, as that would make her look bad in front of others. I think she would think only crazy people go see counsellors. I don't feel ashamed but I don't want people know that I am seeing a counsellor.


• Do I trust Brige? On a scale from one to ten, with one being the relationship horrible and ten is where the trust is mutual, where is our relationship standing? I said that it would be high number. Do I feel anxious with her, after four sessions? I do feel better with entering the door, but not so great in pertaining to talking to her. We then practised sitting right. Her homework for me is to sit properly, with my hands on the side relaxed. There are some habits that we've been teaching ourselves for so long that when an anxiety hits, we would naturally revert to a bad habit, which for me the nail biting and not knowing how to position my hands. I should therefore "unlearn" the bad habits, and substitute it with a good habit, which is sitting relaxingly, and comfortably. If we could do that, we can at least calm down the anxiety, or show less symptions externally.


• Lastly we chatted about the periodic interval in which to see each other. I questioned what is the norm for her to see patients. She said sometimes people prefer to see on a weekly basis, whereas sometimes fortnightly. They could change from seeing her weekly to fortnightly depending on the patient's comfortability. As for me, I honestly said that money is a factor in me seeing her fortnightly, something I'd like to change to a weekly thing. She said yea, we should and she wanted to book me for five weekly sessions for the next five weeks. Also the counselling centre would help me with paying for $25 off the cost for each session. I agreed because I wanted to have someone to talk to, as every two weeks is too long for me. So I am seeing her at the same time next week.

The session was good. I would prefer that we talked about my fear of aging and the number that I hate being. I hope she liked the short story I told her about, and I hope to talk to her about my greatest fear in next week's meeting.