Frustration

This morning I got up, I was feeling ok. Considering each morning in this house consists of the same routine, which involves preparing the children and taking them to school, so to have this feeling of 'ok' was an oddity. What caused the feeling was the fact that I would receive some news on my case today, as I''ll be seeing my lawyer later today.

Anyway, the children were off to school early than usual, and we were free to vacuum the house. WE cleaned it and had some time to watch tv. Later around 11am, we headed for the lawyer's office. They were relocating to a new building, somewhere near the downtown area, so we thought of going there earlier for we hadn't been there. Fast forward 30 mintues later, we got there ok, with minor mishaps, and the place was easily spotted.

My initial impression of the place was that it was big, and they had definitely upgraded themselves from the old office. Anyway, we talked to the lawyers about our case, which took around 1 1/2 hours. MAny paperworks had to be done. Then and there, I felt really small infront of the lawyers. I felt like I wasn't voiced upon even though it was my case and therefore, it was my life on the line. But the fault lied with me. I knew I should've spoken up when I have a concern. Despite that sentiment, I still was mute. I couldn't get my voice to speak up, as if I shouldn't even be there. My sis had the most talking, becasue she knew the back story to our case. For that, I didn't want to contradict her, it might cause confusion. The real reason, I think, lies in that I didn't want to make decisions that will ultimately affect my future. Wimp.

Later in the day, K and I had arguments over my and her performance in the meeting. I was completely a mute in there, while K did her usual moronic self. It turned out, there were a few mistakes on our declaration paper, which had to be corrected and signed by my aunt. AS we couldn't correct the mistakes ourselves, we had to head back to the lawyers tomorrow to get it done. It will the finale for nightmare. I don't want to face this sort of thing again. God, what did I do in the previous life to cause my fate to become greatly unjust?

I am, in desperation, and in ache, for an outcome. I want to have a closer to all this catastrophe that is my current situation.

Moving forward into the afternoon, I wanted to kill myself. Everything was so frsustating, in that the children were acting like brats, and I was acting more like an a**hole to them. I know my frstrations about my case shouldn't have anything to do with the children, I was more thinking about myself. I wanted solitude at that time, but it was stripped away when the three o'clock chimed. However bad it was, it wasn't as bad as I was acting before. Despite that, I did get some progress, getting the kids do their homework.

Evening was nothing but a mere time warp for me. I was in my room the entire time, same as yesterday, similar to the night before last, and was consistent to all nights living here, really.

I really wish that tomorrow will bring good news from the lawyers. I doubt it, though.