Aging

In less than two hours I will become a twenty-something year old for the first time.... I will be twenty one, just to be exact.

Awkward

For over a week or so now I have not talked to the douchey couple. Don't know why but we just grew further and further away from each other. It is making me uncomfortable, and it is making the whole living situation with them suck even more.

Take tonight for example. The couple came home when we were watching tv in the outside living room. They got in the house and the wife was looking around the kitchen cabinets to prepare for cooking. I think she was anticipating for my sister to cook for her and her husband, which was not right. She had informed before that she'd like us to just have our own meal, without them. That includes cooking and eating before they return. Until now, she seems to resent us for this reason. Anyway, the douche himself was off to his bedroom immediately, which prompted me to believe that he might be awkward with us. Usually, he might stand in the living or the kitchen for some time before migrating to the bedroom to take a shower. I don't think I should take much conspiracy here, but it is rather weird of the atmosphere we are living under. It sucks cos the guilt is eating me alive. Day by day, night by night, it is consuming my mind. The worst part being that I cannot solve the problem which had to be dealt with when we leave here.

#$%^&*()^&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Waiting

The holiday thing is not catching with me right now. Right off the bat, the holiday and the week had been one that left sour and bitter taste in my mouth. Yesterday, Jude and I had a minor confrontation.

Things were going ok when the dat started. We were planning to take the children to rent movies or just out shopping in general. It was proved to be difficult because the girl was being stubborn in the condescending way. I won't go over it because it was just plain ugly on my part as I wasn't able to realise she is in fact a little girl. At that point I was severely inflicted by depression, noticing how each and every tick I hear was enough to create a world war. We did, however, get out of the house due to the advice given by my sister.

Today was also one that shouldn't be remembered at all. I know that by writing about it on a blog negates the whole purpose of trying to shun this memory but I just wanted to get out my feeling out for the moment. Maybe I won't refer to back here.

So we doing fine for most of the morning. K was debating with herself about cooking lunch. Jord was playing with Jude on the swing, while I was sitting infront of the tv as normal. Suddenly, a cry came pouring with it a sounding to ease the pain. It came from Jude who I first thought was overacting to probable tiny thing. The intention of her cry was actually done to release a pain which was inflicted upon her by Jord who had turned the swing into some rotating device, which by chance caught the girl's finger.

I came to see what was happening. Then seeing that she was hurt, I quickly escorted into the house and had her relaxed on the sofa. Jord tagged behind us explaining the situation, with some of the information maybe misinterpreted as Jude then angrily attempted to drown her brother with an account of her own. It didn't matter, as it was pretty obviously that the situation was not intentional in any way. The girl was behaving rather bad afterward when Jord tried to lean on the sofa where she was resting on. She then shuffed the boy's hand to make him almost slip. I think she was doing it on purpose to avenge what he had ACCIDENTALLY done to her on the swing. I called out on her for this reason and all of a sudden she began to cry. Loudly. And for what?

Apparently she does this majority of the time when she wants attention or wants revenge. She does it in the car at one time when Jord took her paper and she wouldn't let him rest on the middle handrest. She would push his head in clear of it. This was just not an attitude I'd like to witness and indeed I would tell her of this view. She doesn't listen because today was another instance that this happens. And the worst part, she believes I am always favouring the boy, even though I tried my best not to be impartial to either of them. I judge of what I see. What's more, she cried this afternoon just to spite me. Great! Now I have a diva on my hand.

This experience, alone today, had made my day gone bitter. The afternoon was a good improvement to build on what was already a bad day. We went out to have lunch at a Taiwanese bakery. Upon return, we watched out rented movie from yesterday. It was a nice way to escape the chaos for two hours.

Two more days to go before September ends. In those two impending days, I hope that the news would come. My mum's fortune teller would bet on it. Crazy as it sound, I deep down believe him. It is a faint hope but at least it is still hope.

Saturday Blues

Another week has gone. It turns out, this week is the beginning of another school holiday, where the children will be at home for the two I-can't-wait-to-kill-myself weeks. I don't have a plan as how to tackle their presence for this long duration. Hopefully it will be just a smooth ride like the last holiday we had.

My littlest had returned the car to us yesterday. Just in time so we could drive to a Korean convenient store to 'celebrate' the end of their school term. The celebration was just us getting snacks and sat at a nearby carpark, consuming it in a tranquil setting. It was a surprise good feeling, I must add.

I really wish the result comes before the month ends. My mum told me that she and my auntie went to see this fortune teller about our future. They told her that K and I will find out this month and it will be a good outcome. I really hope that it's true because I can't stand to wait for any longer. The anticipation of not knowing and returning to normalcy is too compounding of a feeling that sometimes lead me to not want to sleep at all. Morning only as it would turn out, is a routine I dread of doing the most nowadays. It sucks to possess such a sentiment. So with the results that I hope will come, I can be free again.

Depression

I have not talked about my depression on the blog for some time now. It is ongoing and everytime I mention it, it would seem all I am doing is repeating myself over and over. So I had decided to not say much more about it..that is, until now.

I am severely under stressed for the last month. This was due to my being the repressed self when I was made to help out with the family. The douche, he was beginning to renovate the house, whereby he wanted my help in choosing and assembling the pieces together. It was a astromical task because as we picked out our desired choice, and had the liberty to make arrangements with the seller, the douche himself would inject his objection in the last minute, making us look we had wasted the seller's energy and time. Sure, their job is to assist us, but with his meddling, next time K or I can't return back there. The stress from this, plus the installation, in which he wanted us to do into the late night, were just unbearable and were causing me feel inadequate at the same time.

What's worse now is that Gran is adding to the pressure. She constantly tells us how we are doing a bad job on raising the children. She says we don't feed them well, we don't take them to and pick them up from school on time, we don't care for them, etc. It is just bullshit, because I tried my darnest to raise them up fine. The children on the other hand have mutated into little beasts when they began hanging with her twins, who btw still can't speak a coherent sentence. It is her who needed to change her ways, but of course I can't say that to her face. She is an elderly, which, in my family, it warrants criticism-free. The shit I do and the shit I have to let go because of this situation, in addition to the constant jabbering about my non-parenting role in the children's lives, would make any man insane. I do have made that transition, apparently.

Just one day I can escape from this nightmare. I just want to just let go. Let go out the responsibility, the stress, that deep breath I usually sigh. Just to forget about it all. Just to make one day better than the previous one, than having to relive a repetitive routine everyday. Just want to feel the lightless that no worrisome can bring down. Just...

Wind

The wind in Auckland is extremely powerful. I had a first hand experience. It almost blew the socks off of me while I was walking the children to school this morning. My littlest uncle had his car broke down in the wee hour of 4 this morning, at the time when he was supposed to go to work. He phoned K, who was in deep dream state to ask her drop off her car there so he could borrow it for today. Of course, K did what was told, and now we are carless for the next few days until he fixes his broken ride. That is why we had to resort to walking in the freezing breeze to school and back from there.

I got a gigantic headache as a result of walking in the cold. It was pounding badly and against the sides of my forehead. It had been going on for a few hours. I took some panadol to help alleviate the pain, but it didn't work so well. Still pounding mad in there. Going to sleep would probably help.

The Day After

Today had been one good one. I couldn't believe it but I actually enjoyed a weekday. Normally I would be bored to death from the boredom that a weekday usually carry with it for me. This however is not another day. My brother came to visit and took us out to lunch which was the highlight of the day. Couldn't ask for a better afternoon.

Why did he come to take us out out of the blue? Not sure, but I am suspecting it has something to do with my mum. Maybe she had told him that it was my sister's birthday and it is his obligation to treat us with something good. Or is it possible that Gran who knows about my upcoming birthday informs him of it, making him feel needing to do something about it. I didn't ask and he for one didn't show any sign of special treatment that would explain the unusual luncheon. Nonetheless, it was enjoyable and obviously the reason or agenda is not that important.

On another topic, I found out that my sister is going to get a Swiss knife for my birthday. It was pretty obvious in her concealing but she however acted as though she wasn't going to get me anything. How did I find out about it? Well, for one she asked this knife specialist for a specific knife for mountainerring, something I had my sister I'd like to do someday. Another she took a special order and deposited the money under my nose. She's one of a kind, that one.

Now my sister is off to pick up the children from school. They will attend the library before reaching back home. They will also drop off the twins who, along with Gran, are going to the library too. So I have time to write this post. The rest of the day will probably somewhat mundane as it will approach the inane rountine that our minds have come to adapt but to abhor simultaneously.