Today is the last of MArch for 2010. Obviously, you'd know this just by looking at the time on the bottom left of your screen. What is significant about today is not only the last day of the month, but also it has made my mum a liar. Ever since she told me about what the fortune teller had told her in regard to my situation, I was keeping my hopes up abit because it is helping me to look forward to something at least. She had informed me that the fortune teller had said I will get my news before the end of the month, that being today. The daylight has now gone and the night sky is starting to appear, and the news of the outcome had never arrived. It just goes to show, don't believe whatever your mum tells you, especially one who has consistently been shunning you.
The way in which her tone she had laid for me over the phone during the time she told me about the fortune teller's premonition, she sounded dead sure of its imminence. I felt for it, because I was thinking of my future away from here. It is obviously premature to start plotting my escape route. I was hoping that it would come true. Apparently not so much.
What is unusual, but funny as well, is that last night I had a nightmare involving the circumstance. The news came and it was bad. I did get a bad headache going into the sleep last night, and at the back of my mind, I was thinking about the impending date 31st. I think it had thus caused last night's nightmare. Just hope next month will bring something good. I doubt it since the kids after tomorrow will have two weeks off of school, and I will have two weeks with them. It'll be fun.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Radiative Computer and TV
Could too much internet time cause tumour in your brain?
As of late, I have been curious about that. I was under the impression that, when I discovered about the cellphones that could be harmful to your health, the excess utilisation of computers would meet the similar fate. I've been wondering about this because apparently in the last few days, I have these headaches after each computer session. The pain is like hammering into your veins because, as I move, it gets bigger pains. I tried not to move too much, so I stationed in one place as much as possible for it helps to ease of the pain.
There is something about cancer causing radiation that is worrying to me. I asked my sister for some light on the matter since she is a science fanatic. She informed that it could cause cancer because of the high radiation that is given off by the screens on the computers. TVs also share the same property in this regard. Since I have the computer and the TV, this could be the double effect. I can't help but think I may get it as a result of duo cnacer screens. I tend to watch tv as well as using the computer. Could this be the cause of my headaches? Have I been exposing myself through my excess use of the computer, and my addiction to tv? My sister doesn't think so. The headaches, she said, could be that I use the computer to the extent that my eyes get exhausted, coupled with the many insomniac nights I have been having and therefore the headaches persist. As for the radiation, it can only be cancer causing when I expose myself to it too often too much. I don't, apparently make the exposure.
As of late, I have been curious about that. I was under the impression that, when I discovered about the cellphones that could be harmful to your health, the excess utilisation of computers would meet the similar fate. I've been wondering about this because apparently in the last few days, I have these headaches after each computer session. The pain is like hammering into your veins because, as I move, it gets bigger pains. I tried not to move too much, so I stationed in one place as much as possible for it helps to ease of the pain.
There is something about cancer causing radiation that is worrying to me. I asked my sister for some light on the matter since she is a science fanatic. She informed that it could cause cancer because of the high radiation that is given off by the screens on the computers. TVs also share the same property in this regard. Since I have the computer and the TV, this could be the double effect. I can't help but think I may get it as a result of duo cnacer screens. I tend to watch tv as well as using the computer. Could this be the cause of my headaches? Have I been exposing myself through my excess use of the computer, and my addiction to tv? My sister doesn't think so. The headaches, she said, could be that I use the computer to the extent that my eyes get exhausted, coupled with the many insomniac nights I have been having and therefore the headaches persist. As for the radiation, it can only be cancer causing when I expose myself to it too often too much. I don't, apparently make the exposure.
Mental Dental Cost
Remember two weeks before when I mentioned that I was having the annual denatl checkup. Well, yesterday was the day I had to get fillings for my two cavitised teeth on the lower canines. I was late to the dentist again, as per usual. The people there don't really care since the money I was about to pay them for the fillings would help erase my lact of punctuality.
The procedure was different than I used to when I had fillings before. I've had quite a few fillings in my young life and they were method usually consists just making the white fillings and pasting them onto your injured teeth. Yesterday, however, was different in that the method that the dentist used seemed more tehcnological advanced. They had given me anaesthetic on the area where the fillings were needed and used some device to paste the fillings on it. I don't rmemberThen the UV laser is used to dry the proceeding faster. It seemed high tech to me, that's all.
The cost was $360. Sh*t, as I have always protesting, the bloody charge is too damn high. Maybe the new technology helped surmount the already high price but did I ask for it when I wanted the filings. Sure, I know that it'd be best to utilise the most
modern technology, but I want to rebuttal in that the dentist never told me about the charges. I think I should blame myself for not asking him, either. Either way, it's over and I should just keep my teeth healthy from now on.
The procedure was different than I used to when I had fillings before. I've had quite a few fillings in my young life and they were method usually consists just making the white fillings and pasting them onto your injured teeth. Yesterday, however, was different in that the method that the dentist used seemed more tehcnological advanced. They had given me anaesthetic on the area where the fillings were needed and used some device to paste the fillings on it. I don't rmemberThen the UV laser is used to dry the proceeding faster. It seemed high tech to me, that's all.
The cost was $360. Sh*t, as I have always protesting, the bloody charge is too damn high. Maybe the new technology helped surmount the already high price but did I ask for it when I wanted the filings. Sure, I know that it'd be best to utilise the most
modern technology, but I want to rebuttal in that the dentist never told me about the charges. I think I should blame myself for not asking him, either. Either way, it's over and I should just keep my teeth healthy from now on.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
This Week
The week went somewhat quickly. Just a little event occurred this week that is worth mention. And that event is my gramps seeing an eye specialist to get an operation on one of her eyes. According to gramps, she is having hardship with one eye being blurry to the extent of almost can't see. The appointment this week was only a consultant one and she will have to make another appointment to have the operation. The cost is high, costing $3000. My gramps doesn't like the sound of the amount and had opted for postpone. I couldn't believe my ears when I hear this. Money is just money, but your eyes are very important as they are what you use for navigation. My gramps, however, still doesn't want the operaton now. Her families aren't supporting either. I can't help when gramps doesn't listen.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Troubles and Worries pt II
Last time I wrote about the problems which are continuing eating me up day by day. Here is the resumed list;
> Because there is nothing else to occupy my mind, I have the tendency to want to see flaws in my appearance. It is getting me down gravely being that I can't face the world when I go out.
> My family is replete with losers. It's sad to admit but if you'd seen my whole family, you'd think of them the same. Or worse. Anyway, my family is spelled with trouble as its title. They hate each other for one, and many other things that cause to be falling apart.
> The most sad thing for me, in the long list of things that I don't like about life, lays with the happiness, or lack thereof, of my sister. She is currently in the same boat as me. She is doing her best to fit in with the situations that were handed down to me unexpectedly and these weren't warranted for. Times and times again, she would explode to stress and her frustrations which is understandable. I feel horrible when it happens. It would mean I'm not doing enough to help her out, to alleviate some pain. If you think I have a tough time dealing with the situation, she is doing a gazillion times worse.
There are more to her problems than meets the eye. WHen she was younger, I remember my mum would take me out on her rides to places. These events would take place almost daily. She would leave my sister at home with these other people, who were helping us out with the housework. I had never heard my sister ever complained once. It's saddening when I realise the repercussions would lead her to feel abandoned, and unwanted in the family. I kept telling her she's one crucial part of the puzzle in my life and I would never have wished for anyone else.
When the crucial change in our lives happened on the near eve of the turn of the new millenium, she was there for me. I would feel upset about the change and she would symphasise them with me. I felt I haven't yet reciprocate to her with she is currently dealing with. I don't emotional stability to lend her my shoulder. I's hardening for me to even admit I have problems, let alone be the listener to her.
My sister is going through the rough times of her life. She is at an age where the world is within her reach, yet that sentiment is beyond believable under current oppression. She is braving the situation and she is continuing to endure. What is worsening is her mood swings. They are coming faster and louder than ever. When I could avoid it, I would do so. When I couldn't, I would get into arguments with her over her actions, upon making sure she would let the situation for that moment. To help her lessening the stress. It of course would come as a prize when we don't talk to one another for a couple of days or so. It's all trouble when it comes to us not agresing with each other's actions. Usually the arguments are over the kids, and our parenting skills toward them. Her being stubborn is also a top proprietor to our bickering.
Ok, back to my other issues...
> I am feeling like crap when I don't complete tasks that were assigned to me.
> My Stupid fantasies. They are not real and stop thinking about them. You're still the useless kid inside someone else's house, leeching off of them, and have no life of your own.
> BDD
> OCD
> High stress.
There are of course nice days amidst my situation. I will post about the good things when I get the chance.
> Because there is nothing else to occupy my mind, I have the tendency to want to see flaws in my appearance. It is getting me down gravely being that I can't face the world when I go out.
> My family is replete with losers. It's sad to admit but if you'd seen my whole family, you'd think of them the same. Or worse. Anyway, my family is spelled with trouble as its title. They hate each other for one, and many other things that cause to be falling apart.
> The most sad thing for me, in the long list of things that I don't like about life, lays with the happiness, or lack thereof, of my sister. She is currently in the same boat as me. She is doing her best to fit in with the situations that were handed down to me unexpectedly and these weren't warranted for. Times and times again, she would explode to stress and her frustrations which is understandable. I feel horrible when it happens. It would mean I'm not doing enough to help her out, to alleviate some pain. If you think I have a tough time dealing with the situation, she is doing a gazillion times worse.
There are more to her problems than meets the eye. WHen she was younger, I remember my mum would take me out on her rides to places. These events would take place almost daily. She would leave my sister at home with these other people, who were helping us out with the housework. I had never heard my sister ever complained once. It's saddening when I realise the repercussions would lead her to feel abandoned, and unwanted in the family. I kept telling her she's one crucial part of the puzzle in my life and I would never have wished for anyone else.
When the crucial change in our lives happened on the near eve of the turn of the new millenium, she was there for me. I would feel upset about the change and she would symphasise them with me. I felt I haven't yet reciprocate to her with she is currently dealing with. I don't emotional stability to lend her my shoulder. I's hardening for me to even admit I have problems, let alone be the listener to her.
My sister is going through the rough times of her life. She is at an age where the world is within her reach, yet that sentiment is beyond believable under current oppression. She is braving the situation and she is continuing to endure. What is worsening is her mood swings. They are coming faster and louder than ever. When I could avoid it, I would do so. When I couldn't, I would get into arguments with her over her actions, upon making sure she would let the situation for that moment. To help her lessening the stress. It of course would come as a prize when we don't talk to one another for a couple of days or so. It's all trouble when it comes to us not agresing with each other's actions. Usually the arguments are over the kids, and our parenting skills toward them. Her being stubborn is also a top proprietor to our bickering.
Ok, back to my other issues...
> I am feeling like crap when I don't complete tasks that were assigned to me.
> My Stupid fantasies. They are not real and stop thinking about them. You're still the useless kid inside someone else's house, leeching off of them, and have no life of your own.
> BDD
> OCD
> High stress.
There are of course nice days amidst my situation. I will post about the good things when I get the chance.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Troubles and Worries
Here are some of my worries and troubles;
> I fell just an oldie despite the fact i am still 20 years old. When I stare in the mirror, I see an old person's reflection. It's saddening me that I am this young but have the mindset of an elderly.
> I am stuck in this sh*thole and it doesn't to ever end. It's been ten or years now that i am waiting and that's killing me.
> I can't go to sleep at night and am constantly feeling tired from the insomnia. There are times I feel sleepy but can't put that into action makes me feel highly frustrated that my mind could play such a cruel game.
> Am in constant bad mood. From early in the morning when I get up to the sun sets to the moment I lay my head on the pillow, I just can't make my life change from its deterioration.
> Am away from school for many years and feel like I can't go back because of the lateness in my schoolings.
> Suffering from loneliness due to staying at home and don't meet people outside the house.
> Can't get the nerve to live life as it should.
> Mute when around people. I can't seem to be myself when I'm around strangers. I get, like, a mind freeze.
> Feeling suffocated with the kids being constantly trying to get me angry at them. They always make the house dirty and don't listen to instructions. They don't like certain foods which are already on the dinner table and therefore refuse to even touch them. I have to listen to their ramblings when they are angry at each other. Though the last one is ok but sometimes it's overbearing to hear about what their sibling had done, when infact it's the sort of thing they'd do it as well.
> Did I mention that I am stuck in the rut!!
> I am living with the worst douche bags of all. They hate me and they think I am useless to the bone.
> Always felt useless. The douchebags are right.
> Angry at my mum for not being a better mother when I was younger. Just never had the proper experience as a child.
> WHy was I even born? My mum already had three prior to my birth. She had two boys until my sister came along. She said that she wanted a girl. SO after the birth of my sister, what is the point in having me? She already got what she wanted in my sister, and my birth would only make things worse, finance and stress-wise. I don't have to the will to ask this question directly to her, though.
> Sleep deprivation!!!!
> Guardian guilts from being a failure to the kids' needs.
> HAte own appearance. Can''t even have my photos taken because I am afaid to see them.
More later..
> I fell just an oldie despite the fact i am still 20 years old. When I stare in the mirror, I see an old person's reflection. It's saddening me that I am this young but have the mindset of an elderly.
> I am stuck in this sh*thole and it doesn't to ever end. It's been ten or years now that i am waiting and that's killing me.
> I can't go to sleep at night and am constantly feeling tired from the insomnia. There are times I feel sleepy but can't put that into action makes me feel highly frustrated that my mind could play such a cruel game.
> Am in constant bad mood. From early in the morning when I get up to the sun sets to the moment I lay my head on the pillow, I just can't make my life change from its deterioration.
> Am away from school for many years and feel like I can't go back because of the lateness in my schoolings.
> Suffering from loneliness due to staying at home and don't meet people outside the house.
> Can't get the nerve to live life as it should.
> Mute when around people. I can't seem to be myself when I'm around strangers. I get, like, a mind freeze.
> Feeling suffocated with the kids being constantly trying to get me angry at them. They always make the house dirty and don't listen to instructions. They don't like certain foods which are already on the dinner table and therefore refuse to even touch them. I have to listen to their ramblings when they are angry at each other. Though the last one is ok but sometimes it's overbearing to hear about what their sibling had done, when infact it's the sort of thing they'd do it as well.
> Did I mention that I am stuck in the rut!!
> I am living with the worst douche bags of all. They hate me and they think I am useless to the bone.
> Always felt useless. The douchebags are right.
> Angry at my mum for not being a better mother when I was younger. Just never had the proper experience as a child.
> WHy was I even born? My mum already had three prior to my birth. She had two boys until my sister came along. She said that she wanted a girl. SO after the birth of my sister, what is the point in having me? She already got what she wanted in my sister, and my birth would only make things worse, finance and stress-wise. I don't have to the will to ask this question directly to her, though.
> Sleep deprivation!!!!
> Guardian guilts from being a failure to the kids' needs.
> HAte own appearance. Can''t even have my photos taken because I am afaid to see them.
More later..
Sleeping Deprived
I am in a severe depression right now. In the last few days, in particular the last two nights, I have been going through depression episodes, which is affecting my sleeps. I haven't had a good night sleep for a week now. When I do go to sleep, my brain keeps occupying itself with thoughts, and that's making me stay awake for longer. Also when I do fall asleep, I can easilu wake up to the slightest noise. I need help desperately.
I have many worries which are the cause of my sleep deprivation. I have been thinking too much, most of which the thoughts are based on nothing but pure fantasies. Take last night for example. I was going to sleep early when I felt tired. The little noise, abit later, had made me wake up. So when I tried to get back to sleep, I couldn't. My brain somehow just couldn't shut itself. I then proceeded to watch tv to the extent that it was 12.30am that I could get myself to bed. By that time, I was really beat. Even then I couldn't count sheep to sleep, it took me another hour or so to fall asleep. And then to add salt to the wound, I woke up to the sounds that were made by the douche bad and the children as they were prepared to leave for work early in the morning. I am right now, as I write, really exhausted and my brain's functionality is not doing so good. What is the matter with me? WHen I want to sleep, I couldn't. But when I don't, my mind tells me to go to sleep. WHat the shit is it playing at?
I have many worries which are the cause of my sleep deprivation. I have been thinking too much, most of which the thoughts are based on nothing but pure fantasies. Take last night for example. I was going to sleep early when I felt tired. The little noise, abit later, had made me wake up. So when I tried to get back to sleep, I couldn't. My brain somehow just couldn't shut itself. I then proceeded to watch tv to the extent that it was 12.30am that I could get myself to bed. By that time, I was really beat. Even then I couldn't count sheep to sleep, it took me another hour or so to fall asleep. And then to add salt to the wound, I woke up to the sounds that were made by the douche bad and the children as they were prepared to leave for work early in the morning. I am right now, as I write, really exhausted and my brain's functionality is not doing so good. What is the matter with me? WHen I want to sleep, I couldn't. But when I don't, my mind tells me to go to sleep. WHat the shit is it playing at?
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