Work

The builders were supposed to be at the house today. They were going to fix the roof as their earlier effect wasn't complete. The douche, who was also supposed to be here to oversee the whole project, had asked my sister to wait for them. If they arrived, she would therefore give him a call, informing of such news. However, we waited and waited until 11-ish. I suggested to my sister to phone the douche saying just that, and she obeyed. It was then that we found out why the builders never showed up.

The builders WERE coming, but as they were approaching the house, they called the douche for something. Then the douche, who was busy, told them that he was unlikely to turn up and therefore they shouldn't continue their work today. Thus the cancellation. I didn't understand. Why then didn't he call us of the news, so there wouldn't be a long wait for my sister and I. As my sister intentionally waited to delay her trip to the shop for as long as possible, she didn't mind that. But on the other hand, what was the point of going to work at 11.30 when you'd have to leave in about two hours later? Seriously.

So she drove to work in the next few minutes even though she didn't want to. It sucks but we don't have a choice. Living with them in their house, it is their rules we have to abide by. My sister hated going to the shop, yet through obligation she is made to do what she's opposed. They don't ask whether we enjoy doing what they have asked us to do. No once had they showed any sign of sympathy to our situation. We just do it, despite the objection from own will. No freedom of choice at all. That is one of the reasons why I hate living here.

I am guessing that the builders will return tomorrow. I am so glad because I will go have my medical checkup tomorrow, meaning we won't see each other. Heh.

Medical Papers

Today is somewhat funny. The weather in the morning suggested that the day would be grey and horrible. However as the day moves on, it turns out that the morning sign was misleading.

My sister and I were sharing the same mood as how the weather was. We planned on going to get my sister her pair of glasses she had ordered two weeks ago. Then, we would go to newmarket, where we would get the medical check papers in order to get the checkup in the week. When we landed at the location, my sister went in because as usual, I was pissed over how screwed up everything is to even set foot in there. Eventually she came back with the papers, with an attached note pasted on it. It read to call the doctor who will be seeing us. As we couldn't call then and there, we returned home, and to find that the referred doctor is no longer in the practice. But though, the lady over the phone informed us that we should just turn up anytime. No appointment is required and someone will see to us.

That was bad for me. I couldn't apprehend the feeling that go through my body. It's just that I couldn't think of how screwed my life is from the beginning. And to have the future possibly be taken away after many years endured through all sorts of storm that passed our way, it is a big ask to see face to it. Anyway, my sister is more brave than me when she could let go of the possibility and deal with it, like she had done a few weeks back and this morning.

In the afternoon, we ate out. Then, we headed to borrow some movies. It was a good nice break from the thinking this morning had brought upon us. Until now, it had been a good afternoon, albeit going to pick the kids.

Stuck

On Friday, it hit me suddenly. The children are only one month away from finishing their school year. Jord would go to the next level from second to third, with Jude, who will advance to fourth. It is so fast, the time. Only short time ago they were so small and cuddly. Now, they've grown to have their own lives.

Anyway, this isn't the actual post I want to write about. I want to tell about my situation. More like my future. It is not coming fast even. The family is transitioning when they shift to their new property in the ensuing weeks. I, on the other hand, am still stuck, and on the way things look, it is highly likely that I will move in with them into the new house. It sucks, because when I heard about them moving, I had this vision that we'd separate from the family this point forward and it would look like a good split. Boy, was I wrong. Not only am I wrong, it is likely that I will have to suck up to them for some time as the documents that the people had submitted are delaying due to the lack of evidence, etc.. WIth that, I am forever trapped.

My brother, today, had a good go at my sister for being foolish in thinking we could move apart from the family this soon. He was a jerk, but my sister shouldn't've told him to begin with. We know how he would react, but she was adamant that she could just break into this iceberg with any damage. Apparently, the iceberg was the cause of the disaster that kept her head down when we went out with my brother and his wife this afternoon.

He said that with nothing is certain we shouldn't move out at all. Yeah, like I haven't figured this out already. For the fact that my life is in the situation in the first place doesn't echo why I have been biting my lips for so long. To him, being here is at least some sanctuary to what the outside world might offer. I have to beg to differ. Being in this house is like being in prison, plus providing the wards with luxuries that they, themselves, don't deserve one bit. It sucks already, but this guy, who calls himself my brother, still didn't get the clue to why we, for our sanity and closure, desperately in need of the move. Nothing could persuade him, in the end.

So nothing is going to happen. The people, on Saturday emailed my sister to have us get medical checks. They, once and one year ago, said we wouldn't need such check as our case is one of a kind, seeing that we have been going through it for a long time. Somehow, they now need it, despite their earlier implication. I was pissed when I heard from my sister. For one, they made us wait for this fcking eternity. Secondly, the waiting had and has been decimating any normal sane brain cells in my head for the last part of my life. They now want more checks from us.

My sister, being herself, put some sense into all of this. She would tell me that we should obey the rules since we are the ones who seek their help. They are obligated to make whatever adjustments to suit the beaucratic system. She would plan out how we would deal with it, like this coming Monday, we will go collect the medical papers and have body checks, using the people's doctor. We use the people's doctor as they have been doing this more often and it's the safer route since our own doctor don't know about the situation we are in. So it is just for precaution in that sense.

With everything is changing; the children's eventual shift levels, the family are house moving, we are at a still. What we would do is just sit and wait. Something we know oh-so-well how to do for last eleven years.

Ill

This past week had been hell. First, I was battling the severe depression that kept me awake in the night. Then, out of nowhere, sickness in the stomach overtook my whole body, which had me faced with going to the doctors on Monday. It was just bad.

The doctor said that my illness was due to food poisoning. My sister who was consuming the same food with me didn't get the same sickness, because her immune system was apparently working well, whereas mine was not. My apparent lack of sleeps was the cause to the weakened state of the immune system. Now, everything is ok. No more pain. Thank God.

My insomnia, in which I had informed my doctor, was a result of excess of thinking. Thinking about things that worry me. Of course, I already know that. But I didn't truly tell him why I had these worries, as it was not his business. He, nonetheless, asked me to take my blood to test out any physical malfunctions. It is a good start. Results won't come back for another week, so we'll see.

The whole week was terrible at best. I don't want to experience the near death feeling ever again. It takes so much toll on your mentality. Glad it's gone.

Shit Happens

The girl is getting on my nerves. She and I just don't get along.

Tonight as I was trying to get her practice her piano, she went " I don't want to. I am saying no!" in the most obnoxious tone. Sht. I was getting pounded by a little girl. I didn't even want to, too, but I felt she probably needed it before going to her piano class. Last lesson she got a lolly because she had practised and obviously it showed, so the tutor gave her it. I envisioned it would be the same this week, thus the asking of her to practise tonight. When she responded with the attitude, it hit me again. The first and foremost reason I don't like her.

So from now on, I don't bother. If she wants to be like this, let her be. Don't bother the fact she'd be getting shouted at by the tutor, who at times does it as the girl is that nuisance to her. This actually makes my life easier.

But at times, I feel sorry for her. When she goes to the piano class without any practise, there is an emotion of not wanting to make her attend a place where she'd most likely get scolded at. The parents apparently don't care, so why should I? Only I cared. Too much, infact. I see the problem everyday, so it actually hit me more as the insult from the tutor is more toward the primary caregiver, aka me. When that happens, I just went into the failure mood. I should've done more, or pretect her from these types of issues.

And then today happened that made me feel even worse for caring. She doesn't bother to put the work in, yet seizes every opportunity to evade work. It just doesn't roll with me, which prompts arguments or animosity between the two of us as tonight had done. Right now I don't even want to see her. That is how betrayed I feel.

Insomnia

For the past month I haven't had a good night sleep. It always consists of my mind wondering in the imaginationland. It is hard for me to concentrate on counting sheep. Yeah, I do attempt to make the sheep help me snooze off, but it was never made to avail.

When last night came to call for sleep, I wasn't doing well in the department to get my head around that idea. It made it worse when I think that morning is only a few hours away, which I don't particularly like. I kept feeling wanting to lay my head and just be off in the snoozefest, but that feeling didn't transcend to sleep at all. Instead, my head began to ache. So the whole night I was battling to sleep, I was also made to fight the new found headache that pound ridiculously strong. It's, like, my head is conspiring against my will.

Of course, my head succumbed and eventually fell asleep. When morning arrived, I couldn't help but felt extremely tiresome. I am sick and tired of having this emotion, the feeling to want but couldn't fall asleep. My sister tells me that it is due to depression, something she always says. She, too, does have moments like this. Yet, the only cure for it to find the courage to acknowledge the pain that is causing the stress. I hate it when she makes sense.

I know the root behind the insomnia but I don't have the means to confront it. It is actually beyond my own apprehension because the people, who have the power to solve this, don't know about my depression and probably don't care. They are sitting at their office tables, eating donuts or whatever. Waiting for the future sure does have a toll to your mental health. These people should have just fcking process the documents faster, or at least tell us when they'd finish, so we can have a foundation in our heads. I know they won't listen.

I tell myself that it'd be not before long that we'd find out when we are standing in this situation. Telling myself is one, but seeing the actual result is another. It was the same thing I said last year, and look at where I am now. I just hope it'd be true this time. It'd be something definitely would cure the insomniac episodes.

Halloween

Oops, I am blogging about the day one day after it happened. I was just crazy last night, feeling down and completely neglected to write about the events . Anyway, this is a catchup story.

So in my neck of the woods, we don't do much trick-or-treating. Only a handful of children wondering around, all dressed up in their princess or prince costumes, asking for candy. My little two are no exception. Last night, they dressed up as a pirate and Tinkle Bell , the same costumes they wore yesteryear, because I couldn't afford to buy them new costumes. The kids didn't mind as sweets are what they were looking forward to the most. Off they went to hunt for the lollies they had been craving for since the morning earlier. My sister took them out while I was not in the mood to do so. They seemed happy and of course very energetic about getting the treats. So the night was a success.

In the earlier events, my brother and his wife came to the house. This came as a shocking revelation in seeing my sister in-law as we haven't seen her for some time. She looked magnificent as always, though a bit sadistic. When we landed at a restaurant for lunch, her mood suddenly changed to replace her quiet self before. She was more talkative, informing about the movie that she and her hubby had seen the previous night which was a horror flick. I was glad to hear that they, at least, spend some quality time together.

After which the lunch was finished, we headed to the new Chinatown around our place. It was quite cool and the children, along with the couple, seemed enjoying the trip. So all was well, I suppose.

Halloween this year is cool. Loved it, and the children obviously loved it too.