Birthday Party

It's 5.16am when I am beginning to write this blog post. I have the insomniac episode again. Lately, in the last week, it has been more frequent to get these attacks. I was going to sleep earlier than my usual time last night, hoping to get some goodnight sleep, but apparently as evident by my wake right now, it is not the case. Excuse me if I make mistakes, for it is really early.

Last Saturday, the 30th, the twins had their first NZ birthday. It was also their fifth birthday, the big milestone most parents would celebrate grandly as it is the transition from toddler to childhood. The twins did recieve their grand party to mark the occasion but the transition has to be postponed because they won't be going to school this year. Uncle wanted to have the party when he asked K to make the arrangement for a dinner party at this nearby restaurant earlier in the week. He went on to ask her to order a birthday cake as well. K did just all these. So when Saturday came, everything was ready. Everyone, including my bro and his wife, came to the dinner party where there were many dishes were served. I thought it was a good celebration as the two kids were so elated in the presents they were receving on the night and everyone else was having some fun. Therefore the night was a success, in my opinion.

The twins won't be going to school this year, as mentioned above, despite their age dictates they should be, is due to that uncle hasn't found a house to settle in, meaning the kids don't have where to go attend schooling. I was concerned about this scenario last year. With any window of opportunity to tell grams, who is the primary carer for the twins, I would take them, or at least let K do the talking. However, the answer always deflected the actual issue itself. Grams would be somewhat angry as she felt she was accused by us. For some reason, I suppose I was accusative of her but the blame truly lies upon the parents themselves. For starters, Grams wasn't and still isn't capable of managing the kids in the first place because of her age. So why is it her responsibilty to enroll the kids. Secondly, she was promised by uncle that he would find a replacement, so that Grams could go back to home. Obviously as all things had turned out, none of it was achieved. They always blamed their situation to the tie that they have to their business. I find this as an excuse. Nobody had asked them to buy the shop, and nobody had asked them to have kids either. It was THEIR choice to make, and they chose to have them at the same. Besides, some people could manage both if there was effort involved. I have seen it.

It is pointless now, since anything I said is just wind to their ears. The kids will not attend, but K and I have bought these preschool activity books, so we'll bring school to them. For the time being anyway.

There was one other thing worth mentioning. On the party night, the douche bag was behaving like his suggestive name. He was acting condescending to uncle. K had noticed it and so did I. I sensed it as early in the night when we all were having the cake. He didn't come out of his room, which I saw as a disrespect. K told me today if she hadn't stopped herself, that night could've been remembered as the night the douche bag was beaten by a girl. I laughed at that, questioning though what everyone would've thought of the pretentious event. Nonetheless, we kept the opinion to ourselves of course.

So all in all, the children were having a fun, and that is all it mattered on the night of their fifth birthday. Afterall, it was their party. Everyone else was just a catalyst to their big occasion. I hope good things will happen in the future for them. Now though, I should try to get some sleep because K and I will be off to work at the bakery today.

Night

Just brushed Jo's teeth and read to him before he went to bed. K stays with him until he falls to sleep. Now, am watching Survivor Season Finale. Having read to Jo just before made me feel like a human again after this whole craziness that was the last few weeks. It felt good because there was subtlety in the atmosphere finally in the midst of everything. It was just a good feeling to get back finally.

Unusual Behaviour

Ever since they returned from their vacation, the douche bag has been going to sleep very early. He and his wife now go to bed around 8.30 which is very unusual. Before this phenomenon, they often than not slept around 10. I noticed this new trend on the second day and asked K what is the deal with it. She thought that they wanted to get better quality of life because sleep is good for the health. The douche bag, in particular, was concerned about his hear issue prior to the vacation, and now he is deep in that thought process. So there you go- the douche bag sees that he has health issue and he forces others, his wife and daughter, to follow his lead. Quite a dictatorship he's got going on here, I'd say. Nevertheless, it is not a problem for me. I like it since I can come out to get some air, watching TV outside.

Oh, one more thing about the unusual circumstance upon their return. Today, the douche bag had K return the Sky TV machine because he doesn't want to consume much tv nowadays. Who would've thought? It's like somebody's taken the old douche bag when he was on his vacation and the one we're stuck with now is somebody new. He goes to bed early and doesn't want to watch much. It's getting real creepy.

Birthday II

So it turned out the cake was indeed for me. Kim had planned this 'party' for my twenty first birthday. She even bought this corny candle for the cake and had gone beyond anything to have twenty one cherries to symbolise the 'cherish years of my life thus far', according the planner herself. She went further by giving me three presents, one is a can of three tennis ball, another is an amethyst necklace to help me with my trouble, and the last is this beautiful compass which represents my interest of travel. My bro was of course, as I had mentioned in an earlier post, present at the 'party'. He was in on it too. There was nothing really special after we had the cake. We just continued the day as any other.

Later I asked K, did she invite Ken to come or was it his idea? She replied that she asked him. I felt embarrassed hearing this, because I knew he'd think I am some sort of a birthday hag. It is funny in some way, but total humiliation if you were the victim.

Moving away from the birthday for a minute. Right now I feel depressed. I feel like wanting to kill myself. This is the day after my birthday. Shouldn't I be happy about my special day? Why do I feel this way on the day most people would be glad to have? The day is irrelevant to my emotion. This morning I looked in the mirror, and what is reflected is very haunting in the least. I never liked what I see in my reflection. Yet, I can't resist the urge to stare. It always gets to me.

Birthday

Monday is upon us again. This day is special, or not, because I turn 21 today. K acted unusually secretive this morning when she took off for awhile to get this cake. She never told me whose the cake is for, but you know it is for moi. She said when my big bro arrives she would then tell me. It is pretty obvious, so I don't understand the ambiguity.

Now the time is 11.39am and she still hasn't told me about she has install for the day. Big bro fixed this computer so now I am using it to blog this post. It is kinda slower than the desktop I normally use. It is good though. Never thought I'd use it again after the internet on his com was killed by me. The resurrection is awesome. I guess I can't keep this comp as K probably need it more than me. Her laptop is sick at the moment, and she wants a new one anyway. Since I already have one comp, I can't keep this to myself when my sister needs it.

Sunday

For the last few days were consisting of some ranting to my sister. I wasn't in the mood at all. This of course was the result of the tragedy that occurred earlier in the week that I experienced. Now apparently, everybody in my immediate family knows about the explosive moment. Even my dad, who lives in an antipodent country tries to educate me about the consequences. My brother in oz knows about it because on the night of the incident, I informed him for some releases of the pain. My dad eventually learned about it when my brother told him, in pursuing for some advice as well. So what will happen from now on? The answer is still the same, which is unknown. My bro here, who lives near us, told me this morning when he came to visit (more on this later) that I should stay in this hole, despite the struggle for a few months. He is looking for a business and when he finds one, he will situate us there with him and his wife. I find some trouble in what he said. For one, who knows how long it will take for him to find it, and to further reinforce it he has been searching for a business for over a year now. It might not happen. Second, he has his wife to take care. Therefore, I would feel really guilty if he neglects his wife for us. She wouldn't be happy about it either. So I don't want to be the obstruction to their happiness. I don't know what to do. That is, what actions I should take to escape this hellhole. SHould I listen to him because it is the sensible thing to do? Or should I just leave now? To end the misery this instant. I don't know.

Anyway, today was a pretty good, in comparison to most days in this house. I woke up to hear the triumvirate of my grams and the twins were coming to have dinner over here. My sister would have to get her here so she could prepare the meal. Ken had called also immediately after the call we received from grams to tell us that he would like to take us out to yumcha for lunch. Of course, I was glad in hearing these news, because my grams' visit would ease the awkward environment at least for tonight, and my bro taking us to lunch would mean we would have something to do to occupy some of our time. Free lunch is obviously a good thing too.

Ken stayed after the luncheon and he helped me fixing my computer. My laptop needed this wireless device to work with the modem. Almost three, he and his wife left.

Evening came with the douche bag and his wife and daughter. I resorted to staying in here until dinner. THe rest of the night was somewhat the same as per usual. Considering most days nowadays have me angry, but today was an exception was considered to be a pretty decent day for me.

Boom!

Yesterday was another enormous explosion among the many to come. I made the wrong decision when I felt like I should do some preparation for the children as they are facing the return to school just under two weeks. I wanted to get Ju prepared for her piano lessons by prepping her some pieces before going back to her teacher early Feb. That was when the crucial and eroneous decision was made. She was acting way stubborn. Her father wasn't a help either. He was the catalyst to the whole blast as he was underminding me without realising the consequences of his action, which was to disturb me while I was giving her lesson. I made a bad judgement and in that moment of anger that had engulfed my entire body, I tore the most excruciating tear to her piano textbook. I know of my wrong doing, since she is, afterall, a child. Her face, though, at the time I was trying my hardest to convey my teaching to her, was as ever unsympathetic. She was really struck on my nerves. I shouldn't've gone on to do such a thing, which I know realise was a mistake. Should I go to apologise to her, but she will be smug if she hears my apology? She will continue to repeat herself if she get it? One thing I know for sure, right now, is that I don't want to speak to her. I want to get her image out of my head for the time being, to cool myself down.

So after the explosion had been designated by me, I was really done. I didn't want to do anything anymore. I wanted out. Just wanted to become a sane person again. I was fed with everything- the children, the fucking oppression that I am continuing to experience, the empty life. K and I had talked about it. I should leave this place. I will have to find some other place for shelter, despite the restraints we will be dealing with. Money is the big priority. The biggest compromise is the situation that we are currently under reviewing. I can't say it because it is sensitive. It is our biggest drawback and I lay all of our recent issues on my mum, who was responsible for most of these bad occurences in our lives. At times in the night I just feel like wanting to harm somebody to reciprocate the trauma in which I first-hand dragged through. That thought is only a thought though- it was never put into action because I know I am a better person than that. K had said that she wanted me to move away in the wake that I can't control my anger. I don't know how it will pan out in the next couple of weeks, but I will say that I will dramatically make a difference in my life. There will be change.

For the time being, I think I will become more snobby to everybody in this house. Ignore the kids' rambuctuous behaviour, forget about the stupidity of these people. Don't think about anything of them, focus more on myself. That way, these explosions can be avoided.