Last time I mentioned that today we, K plus the kids and me, would go to Ken's house for a BBQ. He bought this new bbq set, worth $28, and he wanted to test it out. I, for once was happy in the event that we were going somewhere other than Gram's place. It was a good opportunity for me to pack some pounds. The kids were also excited about going there, as they prepared pretty early to go. The invitation was 11am and so we did leave on that time.
When we reached there, we were greeted by Ken himself since everybody else in the house were still asleep. I was really at first nervous about our intrusion because apparently Ken's wife didn't want to be disturbed since she had the door locked. We knew this because her sister came down asking Ken where was his wife. She asked did his wife lock herself in the grand bedroom because the door there was locked and apparently everywhere else there was no sight of her. In hearing this, we assumed she was inside there. I took this as a sign that she didn't want us to be there. That was the reason for her trying to evade our presence. But Ken was kind enough to kick start the bbq without his wife which had made the scene, at least for me, a little less awkward.
The new bbq set was indeed reflected by its price. It looked small in size. Ken, on the other hand, was really enthused by his new 'toy' because he kept boasting about the tiny equipment can feed at grown people. I, for some reason, didn't see it his way. If it was to feed that many people, we would have to allow 10 years for it to cook completely for everyone. Of course, I didn't rebutt to his boast.
It took Ken 1 1/2 hour to get the fire going. He placed cahrcoal onto the bbq and set fire to it outside in the backyard. But because of the wind and some other factors, the fire wasn't burning. The fire did, however, eventuate the proceeding to the cooking of the meats. There was so much meats, ranging from chicken, lamb to meat on stick. Ken's wife had made her specialty dish which was tossed pastor and potatoes as well. After awhile everything was done cooking and we consumed the feast. Ken and his wife's siblings were present also, in which the foods were being eaten up in a rapid speed. But two, we rested for some time, eventually resorted to the inside. Cleaning and some chattering occurred consequently, and we then returned home at the click of three o'clock.
I did enjoy today. The foods were great, and for most parts of it, it was out of the ordinary. It was a good spice-up after this week's haunt.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
Migraines
It's been troublesome these few days for me. I have been getting these huge migraines due to the weather being too hot. It hasn't rained for many days now and the heat is getting to me. The weather is not the only factor, though, for the cause of these attacks. I think about things too much, apparently. Anyway, here are other activities that had gone on in the last few days;
- I think it is due to my headaches I've been grumpy towards the children, even more severe than ever. I've tried my best to distant myself from them as much as possible but due to their constant annoyance which has led me to explode many times. Seriously, if there is any justice in this world, the world would see me children-free for the rest of my life. I am definitely not fit for caretaking. Ever!
- Have been to Grams' house. K wanted to visit her the other day and also wanted to get the kids out for awhile, so we headed there. For three days straight, we've been going there, occupying our remaining afternoon to staying there. Since they have Sky there, I can't complain much.
- During our rides to places, the kids are increasingly becoming annoying. They get on my nerves so so much that to the point of boiling hot. I CAN"T STAND IT ANY LONGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- I think it is due to my headaches I've been grumpy towards the children, even more severe than ever. I've tried my best to distant myself from them as much as possible but due to their constant annoyance which has led me to explode many times. Seriously, if there is any justice in this world, the world would see me children-free for the rest of my life. I am definitely not fit for caretaking. Ever!
- Have been to Grams' house. K wanted to visit her the other day and also wanted to get the kids out for awhile, so we headed there. For three days straight, we've been going there, occupying our remaining afternoon to staying there. Since they have Sky there, I can't complain much.
- During our rides to places, the kids are increasingly becoming annoying. They get on my nerves so so much that to the point of boiling hot. I CAN"T STAND IT ANY LONGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Nightmare
Lately my mind is too much occupied by random thoughts that are too far fetched. I was really not in the same mood when I was free of the children. Tonight, having spent many nights fantasising about fake realities in my head previously, I came down with sleep deprivation. Early in the night, I was already sound asleep. In that I was dreaming about the strangest nightmare. Of course, all nightmares are usual in any way of form. I was dreaming about being chased by big sharks with my family. One of my beloved cousin who had passed away was present in there. I didn't know to make of it, but in the nightmare, I was telling not to be stupid when he was playing a game with my uncle trying to use kids as bates to lure the sharks. I haven't thought about him for some time now, and seeing him like that helps me realise the last few days of my ranting about the return of the family seems really childish. I ought to man up and take responsibilities seriously. Stop thinking about the outcome that could've been and focus more about today and the next day. Be good to the kids, and don't unleash your anger on them. It's unfair to them. Remember that!
Speaking of the kids, I want to say that the girl is becoming more obnoxious than previously. She had been the master creator of some of my heat towards being stuck here. Now though, I should realise it is not her fault. She is as a victim as I am about this situation.
On another note, Ken and his wife came here this afternoon, wanting to chat with K about the shop. After the chitchat, they invited all of us to bbq this coming Saturday. Ken had just bought a new grill and wanted to try it. I am happy about that because we would have something to occupy our Saturday.
Speaking of the kids, I want to say that the girl is becoming more obnoxious than previously. She had been the master creator of some of my heat towards being stuck here. Now though, I should realise it is not her fault. She is as a victim as I am about this situation.
On another note, Ken and his wife came here this afternoon, wanting to chat with K about the shop. After the chitchat, they invited all of us to bbq this coming Saturday. Ken had just bought a new grill and wanted to try it. I am happy about that because we would have something to occupy our Saturday.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Contradiction
The other day, K and I had an interesting conversation about the diagnosis of mental disorders. She ended up contradicting herself, when she said that some people use such disgnosis to excuse themself from participating fully or taking full accountability of their actions. She was contradicting herself because she herself had used such excuse to describe the condition of her inability to proper pronounce some words. She had an excuse because she has dyslexia. I confronted her about this apparent condictration to which she totally owned up to. She confessed that sometimes using an excuse such as a diagnosis to explain your abnormal functionalities is a way to avoid blame and self-doubt. SO I had to think about it, do I use my condition of BDD to excuse myself from the real world?
I remember one day at school in Classics class, my teacher was holding a conversation with a girl student. The student was telling the teacher that she felt she was ugly, but the teacher was insisting that it was a phase. An adolescence phase that most normal teenagers had to endure. Immediately, I clicked, thinking I was suffering from this phase. In the beginning I wasn't aware of my appearance. I was quite naive. After hearing this, it quickly occurred to me that I was in the phase of feeling inferiority of my appearance. As what the teacher had said, it was a phase. It will ease eventually, right? WRong. Until now I am still aware of my perceived appearance. I still think that I am ugly, and most times when everyone else goes out, I try my best to evade seeing people. I have compulsion in activities that I don't even know I was performing it. I told K about my condition. She didn't seem to care in the beginning until one day she saw this edition of BDD sufferers on TV that it became more clear. I was a victim of such disorder. I watched the programme with her that day. I was not something I had thought about. I didn't want to be labelled as a mental person. But the sufferers from the show had the same symptoms as me. They weren't into going out, they tried their best to avoid cameras, they picked on their face, avoiding reflection, etc. I was doing the same activities as them. SO that was that. I knew what was wrong with me.
K is the only soul who knows about me. I don't think I'll ever tell anybody else, especially my family. My mum, I would think, would be freaked out. She is not the type who'd understand. My dad is not good with emotional connection with his kids. Besides I haven't seen him for over ten years. My brothers are too distant from me, emotionally.
Fast forward a few years to the present, I still haven't seeked professional help. K had insisted that after we got out of this house, we will find some therapy for assistance. I agreed to it because I don't want the fucking thing to consume my life. Lately, it's been better. I still go out, but anxiety hits whenever I get out of the car. I can't stand that feeling, that heavy anchor pulling you down. I try my best to suck it up, but at times it gets too heavy. K tries to help when possible. I think her help was sometimes further adding on the grievances that I felt already by it. I can't blame her though. How can you when she's the only person you have who understands that side of yourself.
I remember one day at school in Classics class, my teacher was holding a conversation with a girl student. The student was telling the teacher that she felt she was ugly, but the teacher was insisting that it was a phase. An adolescence phase that most normal teenagers had to endure. Immediately, I clicked, thinking I was suffering from this phase. In the beginning I wasn't aware of my appearance. I was quite naive. After hearing this, it quickly occurred to me that I was in the phase of feeling inferiority of my appearance. As what the teacher had said, it was a phase. It will ease eventually, right? WRong. Until now I am still aware of my perceived appearance. I still think that I am ugly, and most times when everyone else goes out, I try my best to evade seeing people. I have compulsion in activities that I don't even know I was performing it. I told K about my condition. She didn't seem to care in the beginning until one day she saw this edition of BDD sufferers on TV that it became more clear. I was a victim of such disorder. I watched the programme with her that day. I was not something I had thought about. I didn't want to be labelled as a mental person. But the sufferers from the show had the same symptoms as me. They weren't into going out, they tried their best to avoid cameras, they picked on their face, avoiding reflection, etc. I was doing the same activities as them. SO that was that. I knew what was wrong with me.
K is the only soul who knows about me. I don't think I'll ever tell anybody else, especially my family. My mum, I would think, would be freaked out. She is not the type who'd understand. My dad is not good with emotional connection with his kids. Besides I haven't seen him for over ten years. My brothers are too distant from me, emotionally.
Fast forward a few years to the present, I still haven't seeked professional help. K had insisted that after we got out of this house, we will find some therapy for assistance. I agreed to it because I don't want the fucking thing to consume my life. Lately, it's been better. I still go out, but anxiety hits whenever I get out of the car. I can't stand that feeling, that heavy anchor pulling you down. I try my best to suck it up, but at times it gets too heavy. K tries to help when possible. I think her help was sometimes further adding on the grievances that I felt already by it. I can't blame her though. How can you when she's the only person you have who understands that side of yourself.
Sunday
YEsterday was truly one dark day for me. Today, it wasn't any better. It is widely because of the family returning from their trip. I did tell myself to fasten the seatbelt because it will be another bumpy ride, but I wasn't really antipating this sort of horror. Today was one ugly day due to that the family was staying in the house and I was trapped inside this squared room all day long. I was suffocating, both figuratively and literrally. So why couldn't I get out of the room, you may ask? Well the fact that these people occupy most of the spaces out there with their stuff they bought from their vacation and the fact that they are cleaning the whole house makes me withdrawn. I didn't want to participate/ be in the way of it all. So I decided to remain in this room all day, resorting myself to watching tens of many Ellen episodes on Youtube. How pathetic.
This morning I got up at around 11. Yes, it is late, but considering the whole day was consisting of vacant activities, I thought why should I get up at all. Anyway, the phone rang which broke my sleep. It turned out it was Ken, who wanted to communicate with K for he was going to two interviews today about two shops he had an eye on. K and he spoke for some time. I asked her eventually, after they had finished why he called, in which she replied that he wanted some advices from her about negotiating. She told him to offer the price undervalued for if these people are desperate enough, they will accept the offer. If they don't, increase the amount to the asking price. See how it will go from there. Kim has had some experience in this business, so I guess she should know what she's saying.
Moving on to later in the day, Grams came here to visit again. Of course the twins joined the visit. I like them because they are so tiny so they are easy to carry and toss around and I just love teasing them. The older of the two is more teasable becasue if you call him wrongly, he'd try to correct you in an annoyed sound. I think it's adorable.
Besides these events, I made the entire day a snooze because I kept to myself in the room, watching episodes after episodes of Ellen. I alomst watched an entire season within one day. AFter watching these clips, I came to the conclusion that my life sucks. Well, I didn't need these videos to realise I am a pathetic loser who is unemployed, mooching off somebody and complains endlessly about these very people who I mooch from, and that I am living life in solitude with only these four walls accompanying me. What I was saying is that I am just a loser. Full stop.
Hoping that when K calls the lawyer tomorrow, it will be good news to bring closure to this whole damn life.
This morning I got up at around 11. Yes, it is late, but considering the whole day was consisting of vacant activities, I thought why should I get up at all. Anyway, the phone rang which broke my sleep. It turned out it was Ken, who wanted to communicate with K for he was going to two interviews today about two shops he had an eye on. K and he spoke for some time. I asked her eventually, after they had finished why he called, in which she replied that he wanted some advices from her about negotiating. She told him to offer the price undervalued for if these people are desperate enough, they will accept the offer. If they don't, increase the amount to the asking price. See how it will go from there. Kim has had some experience in this business, so I guess she should know what she's saying.
Moving on to later in the day, Grams came here to visit again. Of course the twins joined the visit. I like them because they are so tiny so they are easy to carry and toss around and I just love teasing them. The older of the two is more teasable becasue if you call him wrongly, he'd try to correct you in an annoyed sound. I think it's adorable.
Besides these events, I made the entire day a snooze because I kept to myself in the room, watching episodes after episodes of Ellen. I alomst watched an entire season within one day. AFter watching these clips, I came to the conclusion that my life sucks. Well, I didn't need these videos to realise I am a pathetic loser who is unemployed, mooching off somebody and complains endlessly about these very people who I mooch from, and that I am living life in solitude with only these four walls accompanying me. What I was saying is that I am just a loser. Full stop.
Hoping that when K calls the lawyer tomorrow, it will be good news to bring closure to this whole damn life.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Theory
I had this really weird continual dream about the prospect of going back to school almost every single week. Sometimes, these dreams occur more than once within the same week. I was really blasphered because I always thought that these recurring dreams were used in films either to add supsense or reveal secrets about the character's inner thoughts as the film progresses. It could actually occur in real life.
I don't know much about dreams, and I haven't read anything on why dreams happen and what dreams are, but I do have my own theory on why they occur. I think that we dream dreams because they are unconscious thoughts that are leftovers at the end of the day. But when we're in our unconscious state such as sleeping, these thoughts become more prominent in our minds. I don't have science to reinforce my thinking. However, as many people who have experienced near death, they would tell you their lives would flash before them. I can't say that it could be true but I had my own problems to realise it too. I did get some sort of flashbacks when I was in this realm of depression, wanting to suppress all my troubles, that these episodes of the past came crying back. I remembered seeing images, but these images aren't of prominent significance. It was more like little episodes, like the time I was swimming in this stream on holiday. It was nothing of any importance but again it came straight to me as if something of this little importance in my life needs revision. So, I was thinking the fact that I was dreaming about going back to school and was not prepared to sit tests at the time of examinations would suggest that my unconscious thought was preoccupied by my inner self, wanting to return to school. But what is the not ready for exams part signify? I don't really understand, but according to my sister's theory, it could tell me that I didn't want to go back to school at this time because I am not prepared for that return.
So the fact that my dream consists of the same theme, which is the revellation that I was unprepared for school, tells me that I don;t want to go to school. I had been thinking for sometime anyway why do I want to return schooling after a long interval period of being stuck here. It makes me question myself. My sister insists that I should get some kind of qualification before moving on to do something else, because a degree will butter up my application for a job. I guess she's right.
I don't know much about dreams, and I haven't read anything on why dreams happen and what dreams are, but I do have my own theory on why they occur. I think that we dream dreams because they are unconscious thoughts that are leftovers at the end of the day. But when we're in our unconscious state such as sleeping, these thoughts become more prominent in our minds. I don't have science to reinforce my thinking. However, as many people who have experienced near death, they would tell you their lives would flash before them. I can't say that it could be true but I had my own problems to realise it too. I did get some sort of flashbacks when I was in this realm of depression, wanting to suppress all my troubles, that these episodes of the past came crying back. I remembered seeing images, but these images aren't of prominent significance. It was more like little episodes, like the time I was swimming in this stream on holiday. It was nothing of any importance but again it came straight to me as if something of this little importance in my life needs revision. So, I was thinking the fact that I was dreaming about going back to school and was not prepared to sit tests at the time of examinations would suggest that my unconscious thought was preoccupied by my inner self, wanting to return to school. But what is the not ready for exams part signify? I don't really understand, but according to my sister's theory, it could tell me that I didn't want to go back to school at this time because I am not prepared for that return.
So the fact that my dream consists of the same theme, which is the revellation that I was unprepared for school, tells me that I don;t want to go to school. I had been thinking for sometime anyway why do I want to return schooling after a long interval period of being stuck here. It makes me question myself. My sister insists that I should get some kind of qualification before moving on to do something else, because a degree will butter up my application for a job. I guess she's right.
Dark Day of The Year...yet
Today is officially the darkest of the year yet for me. It is the day that the family is returning. I was really depressed last night thinking about today's eventuality. But nevertheless, life has to move on.
This morning around eight, K got up and prepared to pick them up. Then she woke me up when I was in the state of deep sleep. She had woken me up to ask if I wanted to come along. Obviously, as I really sleepy from insomniactic attacks last night, I really didn't want to tag along, let alone seeing them again. But because of expectation, I would assume I would receive from these people, I thought I should make some adjustions. So I showered in the next few minutes, got dressed, and headed to the airport.
Upon arriving at the airport, we found out my other uncle was there too to pick them up. We hung out around these phone booths as the seats were taken. 9am came and there was no sight of them. K and I had a bet on the time they'd get out of the processing place. I said that they, as a cause of their overcapacity in their luggages and had to take some time to search through all of them, would be aound 9.30 to come out. She however thought that it would be within 10 minutes.
It turned we were both wrong. The family has taken the liberty to go home by themselves. They phoned my other uncle when they reached the house. At hearing this, I was happy thinking, if I hadn't come, I'd be stuck with them all monring. God, sometimes your unintentional activities do you good.
Uncle immediately went back to his house to pick grams and the twins while I and K went off on our own, taking as much time as possible to evade seeeing them. So we went to this parking place to have a little rest. We wanted to wait for uncle and grams to arrive at the house before we do.
Seeing all these things that they bought, it wasn't a holiday afterall. They did enjoy it, they said. SO I will probably be hearing more stories from them about the stories they encountered over there. It won't be pretty, that's for sure.
This morning around eight, K got up and prepared to pick them up. Then she woke me up when I was in the state of deep sleep. She had woken me up to ask if I wanted to come along. Obviously, as I really sleepy from insomniactic attacks last night, I really didn't want to tag along, let alone seeing them again. But because of expectation, I would assume I would receive from these people, I thought I should make some adjustions. So I showered in the next few minutes, got dressed, and headed to the airport.
Upon arriving at the airport, we found out my other uncle was there too to pick them up. We hung out around these phone booths as the seats were taken. 9am came and there was no sight of them. K and I had a bet on the time they'd get out of the processing place. I said that they, as a cause of their overcapacity in their luggages and had to take some time to search through all of them, would be aound 9.30 to come out. She however thought that it would be within 10 minutes.
It turned we were both wrong. The family has taken the liberty to go home by themselves. They phoned my other uncle when they reached the house. At hearing this, I was happy thinking, if I hadn't come, I'd be stuck with them all monring. God, sometimes your unintentional activities do you good.
Uncle immediately went back to his house to pick grams and the twins while I and K went off on our own, taking as much time as possible to evade seeeing them. So we went to this parking place to have a little rest. We wanted to wait for uncle and grams to arrive at the house before we do.
Seeing all these things that they bought, it wasn't a holiday afterall. They did enjoy it, they said. SO I will probably be hearing more stories from them about the stories they encountered over there. It won't be pretty, that's for sure.
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