Christmas Presents

I hate it every year. I know it is meant to be fun, the excitement of seeing people's faces when they open your gifts. This is, however, not something I

Going Through Rough Times During Holidays

I haven't done some blogging these few weeks generally because there hasn't been anything interesting to report. In the last couple of weeks, the events that took place were surrounding the two children's last days of school. I was really sad at the prospect that they were going to be staying at home with K and I. It would be that everyday for the next week and a few days will consist of the rountines that we'd normally reenact on Sundays, which is shouting and more bickering. However, if any of the two previous days would indicate, it won't be as bad.

On the first day of their holiday, the children were actually gone to their parents' shop. Therefore I had the house to myself without the kids annoying me. So we (k and I) headed to go shopping for the presents for them. I wanted to get them something, not because they deserved it, but for the reason that they are just kids. We shouldn't take away their joy for revenge. So we went off to this mega mall, looking for toys. At the end, we did get some cool things, but the price was not appealing. I didn't enjoy the experience of spending, espeacially one that is involved someone else's money. It was rather nerve-wracking for me. Shopping isn't forme, I suppose.

Following this exemplar, I would say the time for which the whole family be gone to their hiolday destination in the coming weeks will not be as poor as I had first imagined. Seeing that the parents are prepared, or at least take some responsibility in the department of parenting, i think I wouldn't complain as much. To make matters better, in the event that the kids will stay home instead of going to their parents' shop, I will try my best to get out of the house for that it will reduce some potential explosion, otherwise we all had to endure.

Piano Practice

Approximately four weeks ago when I mentioned about the big argument between me and the douche bag and his wife, I am beginning to think it's coming soon again. LAtely for the last few days, I began teaching Ju once again the piano lessons, which I have already mentioned in an earlier post. In that post, I was saying stuff about her being stubborn and I wasn't patient to her reactions, so naturally it was not what was anticipated. An argument ensued, but the explosion wasn't up to the previous extent.

However, I was making her practice today in the most usual way. She was acting in the familiar routine, that is being the stubborn child that she naturally is. SHe didn't want to be there, looking bored and wasn't in it to want to make music. I wasn't mad at first, thinking why the hell I was there for if she was into it. Why do I waste my time for tezaching someone who doesn't even want to be taught. So I dismissed the lesson shortly after trying to lecture her about what the consequences will be if she didn't make effort. Nothing got to her.

I constantly tell myself, why the hell I feel worried for her. I try and try to make her look good to her piano teacher. Apparently good intention doesn't cut it. She doesn't deserve my time honestly. Why after some time, I begin to feel guilty again. I feel like she is only a child like I am feeling now. That is why I really want to leave this place that badly. THe oppression that is imposed on me in this house, it is up to a point to unlivable.

Just wait for a few more months, and you'll be free. I kept telling myself this. I don't know how long I can hold on.

Summer Planning

Within the next few weeks, the family will be off on their vacation to China. I cannot wait for that to occur as i want to have the house to myself. As for K, she will be going to Russell with her friend. This will take place over two days, but the time duration won't matter because at least I can have privacy in that period. SO for the next three weeks, I have to face the ugly reality of the kids staying home after the school finishes but, in the least, I have something to look forward to.

Then, of course, I will have to face yet again the ugliness of their impending return.

Random Thoughts

• I got this feeling that I might become or have already transitioned myself into somebody I despise so much. Earlier in the week Jordan had forgotten his school shoes at school. I was angry that he was so careless about his possessions and I didn't like the fact that he seemed unconcerned about it. I thought this is the product of his parents' non-disciplinary that the kids just believe they can just new ones when lost. I told him that he shouldn't have lost his schools and he had to go to find them. The tone I used, however, was very combative to point I sounded like a douche. Obviously after the blaming, I felt incredibly upset over my behaviour. I apologised to the boy when he returned from school that afternoon. The shoes, unfortunately, are in the land of lost things.
• I am so tired right now. It is 11.32pm here and my brain is telling me to go to sleep. My body, however refuses to obey because I want to use the time being on the internet, doing stuff without the distraction from the kids as tomorrow will be Saturday. That is one of the reasons I hate being here, it is that I get to delay my interests to the time when the kids are asleep rather do it whenever I feel like it. I know life is fair, so I'm trying to get used to it.
• I just played the games of cards with K, and it was good old fun. She was beating me in the game of 13 whilst the reverse was on the game of speed. It took my mind of off the bad things in my head, at least for the time being.
• Money issue. I wanted to spend less these days because the money that is used is not mine nor it is K's. But the rate in which we spend it is quite careless. So I have to tell K about it.
• BAd skin. Why do i care so much such superficial thing? My mind has nothing else to worry over, so it chooses the next visible problem to fixate on.
• I began to gradually build some muscles. I began the regime this week, though I wasn't really into it. I tell myself repeatedly as I was exercising that after departing this confinement I will focus more on looking better, thus increase the workout. My goal is to build muscles, and looking fit. Unlike me in my current state.

Invasion of Privacy

I have only a squared room to myself in this whole world at this present time. It is somewhere, out of very limited amount of space that I can go to, just to have some solitude. A place to get away from the trouble that is outside these walls. A place to think clearly again, somewhere imagination works tiredlessly. Not to mention that it is somewhere I like to watch some tv, play some games and use the computer without the disturbance of the problems from elsewhere. Just to get some privacy after hheadaches that I get to go through each day, worrying endlessly, and the exhaustion of having to deal with the children, plus their clueless parents. Some place where all the troubles seem to be thousands of miles away. Just some place I can call my space.

Apparently, this never occurs to anyONE in this bloody family! I MEAN EVERYONE IN THIS FRECKING FAMILY. THEY SEE THAT A SPACE WORTH VIOLATING IS WORTH VIOLATING. THEY DON'T SEE THE ONE

Crappy Music to My Ears

For the first time in four weeks I made Ju practice her piano. It wasn't that I wanted to teach her music, but I felt obligated to do so. I looked at her lesson book, in which there were many gruffs from her actual teacher, that I decided to make her practice. As usual, Ju wasn't enjoying the practice session, she looked bored and disinterested. I was really impatient with her about this act that she was putting forth. For awhile she was playing this piece that she learnt for four weeks with her teacher. I was shocked to learn that she doesn't know the first note even though she had the piece this long now. WTF. I was quite pissed at the sight of this. As tomorrow is her lesson day, I was pushing her hard to learn the piece quickly. It was to no avail. SHe, at the end, didn't want to practice. Because of this, I repeatedly nagged to her that, if she doesn't like playing the piano, she should tell her dad about it. She seemed disinterested again and maybe afraid at the prospect of telling her dad. I don't know what else to do, so I let her out. She will, for sure, get some growling from her teacher. I can't teach someone who doesn't want to learn.

Her dad is such a scum in many ways that he does, but in particular on this piano topic. At first, Ju was excited about the piano playing. Her dad was telling her about learning the skill is good for her, and he, in persuing that, bought her a piano. She was extremely high about playing music. But now, I think about it, I think it was more involved in the purchase of something grand for her that she liked so much. With the new piano came piano lessons. She began going this Chinese piano teacher at the start of MArch last year. IN the first few months, things were going ok. The pieces that Ju had to learn weren't particularly difficult. The pieces were so short that she needn't to bring it home. HOwever as she moved to a more difficult book, that is when the trouble began. I noticed that she wasn't at all interested in music. She would try her best to avoid practicing and at times, I had to force to do so through threats. At this point, I told K to let her father know about her lack of musicality and therefore she should stop her piano lessons. Her father, on the other hand, was more preoccupied with money making that he didn't bother to see all this. He was and still is oblivious to everything about his children, so this didn't come as a shocker.

Tonight, the douche bag and his wife were particularly happy. I think it was because they saw Ju practiced the piano piece. If it was so I think they are that fucking retarded. They don't fucking understand that their daughter in dead inside when she comes to practice session. I was pushing her so hard tonight to get some playing, so the fact that they were elated simply seeing this is the testament of how clueless they are. Words can't express enough of all of this. Their own child is being abused unknowingly by the very people who call themselves mum and dad.

Not right. Just not right.