The ones that weren't

Relationships

- There was one online from overseas that came to nothing. 

- There was one where the guy was too young but I was in a new city and kind wanted companionship/.

- There was one where the guy constantly nervous with me. 

- There was one where the guy was boring and had a bunch of other playmates. 

- There was one where he was too hesitant and we became good friends instead.

- There was one where the guy was already taken and tried to have a side dish. 

All in all, each relationship taught me something about myself. 

Update 15/06/2023

I am still alive. But barely- in the sense that the old me had nothing but a soft core and a newer shell. 

bah

Its really depressing thinking that my real self is so out of sync with the person I am living as. My biggest fear to have that be revealed.

Argument at Shop

They argued again. There was throwing. There was shouting. Then there was the awkward silence. It was hell on earth and I witnessed it all with my naked eyes. 

It was actually ignited yesterday as he was disrespecting her. She suddenly bombed him with words that could pierce somebody's heart to pieces. They stopped for awhile, but the continued silence went on for the night. Eventually it exploded this morning. 

I felt like i was partially to blame for this morning's 'incident'. I was using the cart and then i noticed the other one was occupied and needed to bring the goods on outside, I did so without first emptying the one was using. I didn't realise this but then as I was walking back with the now empty cart, she was whining, which I couldn't make clear of what she was referring to. I continued my own tasks. Then my bro said you should 'them' instead of come to me and complain. At that point I realised she was actually pointing at me. 

My heart was a bit bruised at that realisation. But I couldn't help but to remain silent. I couldn't focus anymore. I was sleep deprived at the same time, in the while all of this tension was colliding. She was angrier than before now. She asked me to do something, which I didn't listen to. I heard it but I was rebellious to her order for a minute ago, she made me feel like shit. I wasn't going to listen to her again. 

She was noticeably unhappy about my disobedience. I sensed it but hey, she was the one who started it, I thought. By then, she was putting on stickers on the packages, and when I was done with my own task, she dropped some rolls onto the floor in a rush. She saw my waiting to use the walking way and pushed the whole sticker cart with her. It was intentional on her part because she wanted everyone to notice her anger. I still waited seeing this ongoing struggle to push the cart. And in the next few minutes, that was how the throwing, the shouting started. 

My bro saw this and made a remark referring to her age. A big mistake. She went all red and threw the roll that was in her hand. It  missed him completely, but her words which were seconds later followed the throwing hit him. They began this argument. I was in a corner by this point. I didn't know what to do as I was trapped. So I had to remain there listening to all these angry words. 

In my head, I truly wanted to throw a fit of my own. I am sick and tired of seeing all this happening when I know they know they are both in this together. I wanted to let go of my true feelings about the shit they put me in. Of course as per usual, my tongue was tied and I was mute. 

The awkward silence was the next occurring event. They didn't speak to each other, and I didn't speak her. It was not my intention but I couldn't bare my mind for a minute and be ok with the situation.  

It was around home time that things began to nail down a bit. I suppose that I was going away and they knew they have to stick together now that there isn't anyone helping (I'm assuming because they were keen on eating with me and Kim).

So we came to Akl this evening straight after shop closed. Finally. I am just happy that I am back to a place I don't feel I am causing problems to others. I don't want to know what they'll do now. I just can't take it anymore. But then I know I have to go back and help them when I get free time. And we all know the cycle restarts again. 

Blah!

So yesterday sucked. We worked to almost 11pm, and it was until 1 that i was able to go to sleep. My mind is shit right now. I can't think straight. Day in and day out, the same events occur. I don;t know how they do it. How they bring themselves to rise up and routinely go through them again and again.

Unasleep

It's 1.37am as I am writing this. I have to get up later at 5am for work. Shoot, I'm gonna be screwed for the whole day. Yet I can't sleep.

It's the mentality. It keeps being busy.

Back to the place that I said I wasn't gonna come back. It's the guilt that got back. I know I should toughen up but it doesn't seem that way. Next semester will my new beginning. Something big will happen. I promise.

Exams are over!!!!! Finally!!! =)

Exams are coming...

Exams are fast approaching and I am scared. I am so unprepared for them and the sucky thing is that my exams are so close to one another. Infact, they are only one day apart for the three of them, while my last one has only two day break from the other one. It is scary considering that I don't have much time to study and based on what I am doing, it seems I am less motivated ever to do actual studying at all. 

I imagined myself being educated. But then I don't do anything about it. I don't really make time for myself to work on materials that enhance my future. I know that, yet I don't do anything about it. 

Take today for today for example. I was supposed to start on reading for  the coming exams. I didn't. Instead, I went shopping with my sis and her friends. I didn't even look into study materials. I am hating that I do this, but I still do it. My sis tells me that I should do the opposite of what my brain tells me. In that case, the body does it first, the brain comes forth later on. It's stupid but that's how successful people fool their brains to work in their favour. That's how I should fool my brain to work to study better, thus achieve the grades I deserve. 

That's what I am trying to accomplish here. To an extent it's working.

I am at a low again. I don't understand on how to be happy. Little things would make me feel bad. They accumulate until it becomes more than I could handle. I don't know how to cope. I am dying. Inside, piece by piece....

I hate that. I hate that I am that person. I hate that i am the person I hate. I hate that the person I hate is very person that I am, and I can't change it.

Epiphany...

I signed up wanting to foolishly create the next best thing on the internet. Apparently, it was harder than thought. So now I am back to blogging on blogger, where I will continue writing the poetic sadness that is called me.

I just had an epiphany. It's funny because for the last few weeks, which can extend to the last ten years of my existence, I was lost. Now I have this life goal that I wish to achieve. I am not sure when it will be completed, but it will be a long time.

Post Hibernation

Excuse for the lack of posts for the last month. I have been very busy and everything was mess because I started uni. It was just that alot happened in a short life span which you know I couldn't handle in the first place. I am grateful that it is almost over.

There is something at uni that makes you feel like you're not doing well. Maybe it's the way the lecturers go on and on and they were rushing things. It was diffcult for me to comprehend how quick they teach. It was like if you miss a week's worth of lectures, you will have to catch on a year's worth of high school. For me, even though I had been there the whole time, I was still not going well. I think my body was there, but the spirit was in hibernation still.

I will try to blog more, I am not going to promise it but I will try.

Tuesday Blues

Today I had a panick attack. It was all about my life, my immediate future and my concern for the wellbeing of my whole family. I am weak in this field because I want everything to go great. This night, everything was collapsing on me. I couldn't believe that I was that weak not to deter such emotive feelings.

THere are so many troubles in my life right now. I had to go to uni, which I felt hard to do. The morning classes in particular are hard to wake up for. This very morning I couldn't get up, but when I did, I couldn't make it in time to Bio. I had to sit on the steps, where the slides on the projection made my life even more difficult. THe lecturer was going way too fast.

Then there was the time spending on looking for stationery, and for other school related stuff, which further made the financial situation more complicated. I had to spend around $200 in total for the text books. It's reall hard to contemplate about such spending. But I had to do it.

The worst of all the problems are my stay in this house. I just felt that my sister deserves something better than this. I don't like the way they are telling us not to cook in the kitchen because they fear we stink up the place, thus ruining their clothes. I understand their point of view, but I don't like it. I do want to cook, so does my sister. We are experimental cooks which require the kitchen.

The good thing is that my sister received a phone call from my d, telling us about my bro Ken came to the place and did't like the sight. He went to tell my family about it, and now he is helping us out of this place, which to my sister, it is a good thing. I know that we won't be living here long, but I didn't expect it to be this quick. But in the end, it is about our wellbeing, so I don't mind much.

Back to Reality and First Day at Uni

Im back! It's still a mystery as to what happened last week. I remember going to Sydney for a week, then all of a sudden, I've returned to reality, here in Auckland. It was a good fun time, but I am back to school.

The trip was really excellent. For the first time in a very long time, I had felt I belonged. I don't know, but for the time spending with the people over there, I made the connections to the people who are in the family.

Places we had been to were;

• Cabramatta
• Parramatta
• Liverpool Shopping Mall
  
• Wollongong
• Opera House
• Chinatown

And the likes. M cried as we went to board our plane. She was going too, but when I saw her expression like she had shown, I really wanted to comfort her. I knew how she felt.

Now I am back to uni. ACtually, it's a false statement being I hadn't been to uni before. Today is first ever uni experience, and it felt good. I felt normal, got lost a few times, looking for classes, and the experience was great in that I joined this Chinese Association. Good.

Opera House

Australia is beautiful. To be more specific, Sydney is awesomely stunning. Today, we headed to the Opera House and it was as beautiful as they mention in the pamphlets. Heaps of photos were taken, and yet we weren't able to make ourselves leave. It was that cool.

We also went to the Sydney Aquarium, then to Paddy's Market, Chinatown, all the while enjoying ourselves in the beautiful blue sky weather.

Oh and the trains are double decker so it was good, compared to the ones we got in Akld.

Sydney

Guess where I am now?

I'm right now in SYDNEY. It's really awesome. For as far as I can see, the city is great. Much much food to choose from. It makes the city that I am from looks like an ugly brother. It is.

Student Loan

SHit. I called the student loan people and they made go see them. What do they want? All i am asking is a loan. NOt that I want an allowance, which I could see why they needed to complicate the procedure since the money they give out is not required to be returned. I don't want to do it, but I needed the loan.

WE'll see what they say. Hopefully, it wouldn't be a sad news aye....

Mt Ruapehu Ski Trip

The condition looked exactly like how pic is showing...

Just got back from the ski trip!! It was a blast! Loved it!

Being back means that tomorrow is another overseas trip for a very long time. I am excited, but nervous at the same time. I haven't seen my bro for a long long time. For almost 12 years, to be exact. Oh god. It's gonna an emotional scene when we finally meet him.

So back to the ski trip. It was a very good trip. We rented two rooms near Mt Ruapehu and damn it was very clean. Since when have you found a more clean place? For me this is exceptional.

The skiing itself was fun. Though the weather was dull, and at times hurtful. Hails were hitting on us as we ski. For me, it was that that made the trip even more enjoyable. But by some standard, the blizzard was a trip spoiler, but not for me, aye. Everyone there seemed to be enjoying it as well. So it was all good.

Today was all about driving. We were supposed to hang in Rotorua for the time being, but for the most part, we were in the car, looking for places to go. We had lunch at the Korean/Japanese restaurant where I got a chicken teriyakoi box set. The whole day was there eating and taking some pics at the museum. Nonetheless, and to the most time, the day was ok. Not up to par with the ski day, but it was good for the reasons that we were laughing and more.

We already planned on doing another trip, maybe going to a worm cave. K said it would probably be two months from now. So am already looking forward to it.

My First Week Of Independence

Monday- I was in Ham. My sister in law and I were looking after her butchery, while my brother was going to Auck to get stuff. They were really good to me, especially when they were genuinely concerned about my wellbeing when I moved out. Ken kept asking me about the new place and told me to get enough meat for the whole week. I did in the end, got a few sirloin steaks, two scotch steaks, a tray of chicken patties, and a tray of kumara croquettes. I took the bus that night.

Tuesday- a frustrating day. The people down stairs weren't at work, so I had the whole place to myself. I had plans to clean the room (which was still a mess), go to the australian consulate, and probably go to uni. None of it was done that day, while nothing was achieved to great success. I was angry at myself for feeling that way. But in the end, I did go help out at my uncle's shop as he was about to close the shop. It was a complete waste of time. The day I mean, not the time I was at my uncle's shop.

That night my sister's friend R came to our room because he wanted to plan for the trip with her. They did everything and it ended up that everyone has to chip in around $300 each, double the amount we initially thought.

Wednesday- we went to see the university because K wanted to pay off out student fees. But the line was too long, so we didn't do it. Then we went to the consulate, but they were closed on Wednesday afternoons. For the rest of the day, we traveled to Meadowlands to get my cousin Kem's id photos taken, and then got our bank addresses changed, and the statements. After dropping my cousin off at his place, my sister and I got to this hardware store and ordered this five shelf storage. It was on special and looked reasonably good. Home we got to after that.

Thursday- It was tiring. In the morning I got to the city late for my cousin. Once arrived, we walked to the consulate. I went inside and there was this machine that you press to a number, to tell you the order in which they will see you. I remember it was 16 for us. That morning it was really quick, the queue I mean. I presented to the lady before the class window of the applications for my sister and I. In the end, the applications weren't completed to the standard that they require so we departed. I did learn that they only need two items, financial evidence of how you can support yourself and also the the drawback, which to show either school or work evidence.

So school was my next destination, being that I had official papers from them. I went to the student help centre asking for some paper, which the front desk lady told me I have to apply for it. OH, and they charge $30 for the application. The worst thing of it is that they require two to four working days to process it. I was really dazed because I really needed it for the afternoon appointment with the consulate.

I phoned my sister for advice, but rather I asked her to come to the uni. I did pay for my official paper and when my sister arrived she did hers too. We walked around and eventually got to the general library where my sister had to book a computer, then she could print some unofficial documents, in hope that the consulate would accept for the time being.

By the time we were done with the printing, it was twelve meaning that the consulate is closed. Shit, so my sister and I headed back to my uncle's shop to help him. Upon arrival, the shop was in a mess, and there weren't many pies in the warmer. It was quite chaotic. We helped out in making some sausage rolls and K did the selling, thus reducing workload on the pair.

We got back to the consulate at almost two. The wait was rediculous as it took us almost two hours until they called us. Anyway, the questioning wasn't that back. She just looked at our papers from bank, uni and then just told us to return tomorrow to collect the passies. AS for my cousin, his wasn't so smooth. He presented the same things to her but because of his status and his only recent stay in this country, there may or may not be a grant. It was a bummer to hear because the costs for the application wasn't cheap and no refund either.

We came back to the shop to finish off our help for the day. Uncle K needed to go shopping so he closed the place early. Uncle invited us, including Kem, to come to his house tonight to have hot pot. We of course said yes. Nowadays, we go anyplace that has free food really. We came up to the room first and then showered. Kem came to check out our room, and he said it looked cramped. True.

The next destination for us was the hardware store to collect the shelf. Then to uncle's place to have dinner. By then the time was 7;30, we eventually decided to go get some winter gear, preparing for the upcoming trip.

After that we dropped my cousin off, and then we got to the room to set up the shelf and tidy up the room.

Friday- nothing much sofar. I am only washing my clothes. Then I would have to leave for appointment with Alas, and then onto the consulate to pick our passies. Tonight would be the beginning of the ski trip.

Moving

We have moved house!!! I never imagined myself doing this until the moment I told the o about our intention. Now we are the occupiers of this room above the laundrymat. How cool is that?

It is not since the people down stairs have set rules because they require the clothes that they wash for their customers to remain as clean and smell-free. It's actually better than the rules that were impulsed by the douchey couple. At least the rules here make sense.

I am not allowed to cook things that could smell the room and other things that could harm her business. I understood her perfectly, because afterall it is a business. I also think that being here with the room to ourselves, and them, the owners, being absent at night makes life more convenient. Besides, my uncle and his wife have a business near our place, so we could get there to have free food.

The moving itself took us three trips. It was meant to be a single day activity but as we are the most unorganised people in the world, it took us two days to do so. Nonetheless, things were done, and we had also cleaned the rooms for them. It was decently cleaned so I don't think they could complain. Much.